Masturbating My Way to a Stronger Relationship

My journey into the world of self-love and masturbation

Charu
Charu
Aug 4, 2020 · 5 min read
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I have been in a monogamous relationship for the past decade; I spent most of my twenties with one person and it was great. We enjoy each other’s company, and the physical side of it was great until about 7 years into the relationship. It was not that we got bored or lost that “spark”, it was much simpler and biological than that.

As time went on our libidos changed, one of us enjoyed sex a lot more than the other. This is not to say that over time my partner stopped being attracted to me but simply that their appetite was a lot smaller than mine. Initially, this left a huge void in our relationship, and I clearly was not getting the sexual satisfaction I was seeking and yet I was not ready to end this so I went on a self-love journey. On an intellectual level, this relationship gave me everything I was looking for, the conversations were interesting and the laughter still aplenty. It was everything I wanted just not as many orgasms as I wanted/needed.

S o it started with me consuming an unusually large amount of erotica and/or smut. Thankfully I did not have to break the bank here because Kindle Unlimited had a lot of books waiting for me to download and get aroused on. I wanted to feel connected to myself so when I do indulge in a little self-love I would be able to orgasm. My biggest hurdle was getting myself stimulated, this was very easy to achieve with a partner however it was not that easy when it was just me, myself and I. That’s where the erotica came in, it gave me an opportunity to imagine the words I read, the actions were being done to me.

When the main character was being bent over a couch and ravished, I could imagine myself in the scene and thus get myself aroused and in the mood for some self-stimulation.

The world of erotica on Kindle was not as smooth as I wanted it to be. There was something for everyone on there which also meant that not everything on there got me where I needed to be. Erotica about a wicked priest simply did not arouse me although it may be someone else’s kink; I did discover that bad boy bikers with a predilection for menage were my preferred subgenre of erotica. Although it took me a while to figure out what I preferred in terms of erotica once I did, it was quite easy to get going with the self-love.

N aturally, as a millennial who depends on the internet, it would be out of character for me to not consider porn and being a very visual person I thought this would be a sure thing. However much to my dismay, I found porn to be a bit too fast-paced. I thoroughly enjoyed that build-up and erotica gave me that whereas porn, at least the porn I was watching, got right to it. There was also this sense of grimy-ness that came from watching porn, in the back of my mind I would constantly wonder if this was some revenge porn uploaded without consent or whether the people in it were of age.

When you are trying to achieve orgasm, the last thing you want is a moral dilemma.

The other issue I experienced was, I never found all the porn stars in a particular clip to be attractive or my type. There was at least one person who would be a complete turn-off, ruining the fantasy for me. It was also a lot harder for me to imagine those dirty, naughty deeds being done to me as I could very clearly see the actors on my screen. I also noticed that there seemed to be at least one actor who always assumed they were out of the frame but wasn’t and ruined the whole scene with some odd behavior.

Now I am not completely swearing off porn, I am simply leaning more towards written erotica that I can cast with whoever I want in my head. Porn has a time and a place, which for me is usually when I need a quick orgasm after a long day at work. When I am looking to really love myself and have some personal time, I prefer a well-written piece of erotica.

After a while the simulation of my fingers left me wanting more and not to mention if I wanted multiple orgasms, which I practically always did, it meant a proper workout for my little phalanges. I did what every millennial would do and took to the internet for some answers. After days and days of research, I finally bit the bullet and bought my first vibrator. It was quite daunting getting to that point of hitting the buy button because in the back of my mind it felt like I was cheating on my significant other. Masturbating while reading some erotica was one thing but purchasing a sex toy for my personal use felt wrong.

But I went ahead with it and when it arrived took it for a test run with my partner and it opened up a whole new world for our sex life. Not only did it help me get over my discomfort and allow me to use it for self-pleasure but it also unlocked this part of our relationship where toys and other sexual paraphernalia came into play. It additionally served as a form of foreplay for us and at times gets me going when I might not be in the mood.It was the thing we required to keep our relationship moving forward.

It stopped me from resenting my partner for not wanting to have sex as often as I desired to and gave me that power to take ownership of my sex life.

After being with someone for so long I forget that I will always be in charge of my own happiness and if something is not giving me what I want or desire, I have the power to make changes.

I recognize it may be a deal-breaker for some people but the idea that during your lifetime you will always be with someone who has the same sexual appetite and needs as you seem a bit unrealistic. Even if it starts off hot and heavy, which it did for us, the idea that as you grow and your needs change this other individual will also grow, and change in the same exact way is illogical.

For me taking charge of my sex life and adding masturbation strengthened our relationship as well as helped me overcome those societal stigmas that were ingrained in me.

It empowers me and leaves me looking forward to the next 10 years with my partner as well as myself.

What will be the next step in my self-pleasure journey? I for one cannot wait to find out.

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Thanks to Benjamin Davis

Charu

Written by

Charu

Sex-Positive WOC | Feminist | Writing about my experiences | Exploring my sexuality

Sexography

Conversations about sex from all around the world

Charu

Written by

Charu

Sex-Positive WOC | Feminist | Writing about my experiences | Exploring my sexuality

Sexography

Conversations about sex from all around the world

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