Mindfulness Really Does Make Sex Better
You might be asking yourself — Are you kidding me? Is this a ploy to get me to read? No. Mindfulness training really can be useful in gaining more pleasure from sex (and other aspects of life).
“Studies found that an eight-week mindfulness program can boost sexual satisfaction by 60%,” according to Dr. Lori Brotto author of the book “Better Sex Through Mindfulness.”
What is mindfulness?
In a nutshell, mindfulness is a way of training your brain to be here, now. To keep your mind in the moment as much as possible, and notice where you are and what you are doing, thinking, feeling, sensing in the moment, without judgment. That last part is the key — without judging yourself or others. It is not about shutting off the brain, but embracing and noticing that the brain is firing. You are having thoughts and you’re aware of them and able to redirect yourself back to what you actually want to focus on — breathing, sense or mantra (repetitive statement you say internally).
We are often floating away from the current moment in our minds. We are thinking about what just happened in our spin class an hour ago, or running through our to-do list to make sure we don’t forget something. We are rarely here, right now. By training our brains, we can find more moments of here-ness.
Being present, aware, and in the moment is useful during sex.
Many people, especially women, have trouble staying connected and present during sex. Not only do women find it difficult to get turned on, at times, because they are thinking so much about past and future, but they also struggle to stay focused on pleasurable experiences while in the throws of passion.
It’s difficult to feel pleasure when you’re lost in thoughts and unable to be in your own body. Being distracted by thoughts about body image often distracts women from the pleasure and arousal they might ultimately feel when more in the moment.
Mindful Meditation
You wouldn’t necessarily think that meditating has anything to offer when it comes to sex. After all, meditation is about sitting quietly, alone and still. How will that improve your sex life?
Formal meditation helps you recognize your own thoughts and when you drift away from the moment. The awareness and recognition that comes from formal meditation makes it easier to notice when it happens in other moments of life, including during “sexy time.”
Making time to sit in formal meditation at least once a day for anywhere between 2–20 minutes will help you become more aware and mindful. I have found in my own practice that consistency, not length of time in meditation, is most important. Having a daily practice is more important than sitting for 20 minutes (you can start with 2 minutes and build up or even stay with 2 minutes daily).
The Monk Life confirms, “Consistency is far more important than performance when building a new habit.”
Here are just a few things to consider when practicing mindfulness during sex to make it better:
1 — Create a formal practice — be consistent and build your skill of awareness. Set manageable and reachable goals to create a habit.
2 — Engage all your senses — touch, smell, taste, sight, sound — and really notice each and every one of them as fully as possible. When engaging the senses, it helps you stay present and aware. It will be a little harder for your mind to wander off to your to-do list, though it can still happen. When your mind wanders, simply bring it back to one or all of your senses. Immerse yourself in the sensations.
3 — Breathe. Notice the natural rhythm of your breath and surrender to them as much as possible. Breathe deeply and consciously when you notice your mind wandering off to the past or future. When we use our breath to relax and release rather than control and withhold, sex is more powerful and can really help relieve tension and stress.
4 — Practice non-judgment and acceptance. If your inner dialogue distracts you, it’s okay. Try to be gentle with yourself; no need to beat yourself up about it. Just gently return to the sensations in the moment. If this happens over and over (and it will in the beginning), let it go and keep practicing. You are not bad or wrong, just distracted. Mindfulness actually rewires the brain to focus more on the present moment. Rewiring is a big job and takes time.
5 — Be kind. Notice when you float up into your thoughts and away from your body. Gently bring your awareness back into your body. Don’t beat yourself up for floating away. It’s natural. This is just one more opportunity to practice non-judgmentally returning to your breathing, body, with self-compassion.
Go forth, be kind, and practice, practice, practice…
Kimberly Atwood, LPC, CST is a licensed professional counselor and certified sex therapist specializing in sexual health, intimacy and relationships. She is a member of the exclusive provider network for Princeton University. She also provides online telehealth services in Indiana, New Jersey, New York, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, and internationally.
