New Term for Women with Painful Sex
Women who suffer with painful intercourse may want to adopt this new sexual term, side.
Joe Kort, Ph.D. coined the term side for the gay male community. He came up with this term for gay men who don’t enjoy penetrative/anal sex and only want to engage in other sexual activities, of which there are plenty.
Gay men often identify as either a “top, bottom, or versatile.” There has long been a stigma against gay men who don’t identify with any of these terms. Kort believes that this stigma is at least in part due to the fact that there has never been a word for someone who is not “top, bottom or versatile”… until now. Having this term, side, may help remove the stigma he is describing in the gay community, while it may also do wonders for women who suffer from painful intercourse.
Adopting “side” for the heterosexual community
In June, Kort was interviewed on the Savage Lovecast, where he encouraged the heterosexual community to use this term too. I agree.
One group of people who could benefit from this term are the many women in opposite sex relationships who do not enjoy or want to engage in intercourse/penetrative sex because of pain. The term side could help remove the stigma and shame for women who experience painful sex, as well as help women disclose this information to sexual partners.
There are millions of women who have sex with men who never did or no longer enjoy penetrative sex because of pain.
According to an article published in Harvard Health,
“Millions of women experience pain before, during or after sexual intercourse. Many women suffer in silence and don’t seek the help they need, or they have trouble finding a clinician who can diagnose and treat the causes of their pain.”
What is painful intercourse?
Painful intercourse can happen at any age or stage in life. Pain or discomfort during penetrative sex in women may be diagnosed as dyspareunia, vaginismus or vulvodynia. There is often painful intercourse for women who have endometriosis, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), and other chronic pain conditions like fibromyalgia and Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). This is not even an exhaustive list.
Dyspareunia is the medical term for painful intercourse. The Mayo Clinic defines this as “persistent or recurrent genital pain that occurs just before, during or after sex.”
Dyspareunia is often diagnosed for women who are experiencing peri-menopause and menopause. The lower levels of estrogen cause a thinning of the vaginal tissue and there’s also less natural lubrication, making intercourse uncomfortable and sometimes painful.
Vaginismus is “vaginal tightness causing discomfort, burning, pain, penetration problems, or a complete inability to have intercourse.”
The vaginal tightness results from a limbic system response toward penetration, a protection mechanism that signals the body to brace and protect against potential harm.
Sometimes a burning and stinging pain occurs along the outer opening of the vagina and this condition is called vulvodynia.
Opening up more sexy conversations
This new term can help aid women with sexual pain in having talks about preferences when dating, as well as open up important sexual discussions in short-term and long-term relationships, as sexual interests change.
The term side was recently accepted on the Grindr dating app so gay men can disclose this information to people they wish to date or hook up. Side could be adopted on other dating apps as well for people of all genders who don’t want to engage in intercourse or penetrative sex, making it easier to discuss and disclose.
Just as in the gay male community, there are many women in opposite sex relationships who have great sex lives that don’t include penetration. It’s just that very few people are talking about it.
What is there to discuss?
This lack of discussion is at least partially due to the assumptions made about sex when a woman and a man come together for sexy time. It is too often assumed that sex is PIV (penis in vagina) intercourse.
The assumptions around sex in the heterosexual world need to go away. When same-sex couples approach sex, they have a discussion about “hey, what are you into?” A conversation about likes and dislikes ensues, and the options are plentiful.
The same types of conversations need to become common for everyone pursuing a sexual relationship. What are you into? There’s oral sex, outercourse, cuddling, finger play, mutual masturbation, anal sex, things I don’t even know the terms for, such as putting the penis in between the thighs, the armpit…the list can go on and on.
It’s really only in the heterosexual community that so many assumptions are made about sex as one thing only: PIV (penis in vagina). Too often, sex between and a man and a woman happens without much, if any, discussion at all.
The discussions need to happen more regularly in the heterosexual community in general, and the term side may be useful for women who experience painful intercourse to have an easier time sharing it with their partners.
Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist and sex therapist specializing in sexual wellness and intimacy in private practice. She is offering a 5-week online Women’s Sexual Wellness group in late August 2022. This group is a supportive and educational group for women who want to take charge of their sexual energy, build confidence, increase mindfulness, and explore pleasure.
