Ever Have a Dream About Your Ex?
Dream interpretation is a fascinating area of study and just plain fun. Some dreams can be powerful, healing and insightful. Some dreams may include messages to help you heal or move forward in life. They often help you focus inward and build introspection. Other dreams may just be dreams and either you don’t really even remember them, or they don’t spur much emotion. That’s okay too.
The interpretation of dreams is just a way of using dreams for your own personal growth, rather than just letting them pass by without giving them a second thought. I’ve been interested in dream interpretation for several years. I have taken several courses on this topic. I’ve also read a lot about dream interpretation in general, and am especially drawn to the dream work and psychology of Carl Jung. I have been diligently following my own dreams for a number of years. I have found useful ways to make sense out of the patterns and other aspects of the dream realm.
As a therapist, I use dream interpretation in my work with clients, and it almost always adds a new dimension to the process, helping people see things from a different perspective. I don’t have hard and fast rules about dream interpretation so much as I like to talk to people and help them understand more about themselves through their dreams. I ask a lot of questions and might throw in an idea here and there to help them think differently sometimes. Generally, it’s best to interpret your own dreams and not take on anything anyone else labels for you. A few of the most misunderstood dreams that come up for people are dreams about ex’s and sex dreams.
What could it mean to dream about your ex?
One of the most commonly confusing dreams that present for many is the ex-partner dream. It can be complicated because you’re no longer with this person yet they’re coming up in your dreams. This is especially disturbing when you’re with a new partner. You may feel guilty or give too much credence to having your ex-partner appear in your dream.
One way of interpreting dreams is to recall the dream as though you are everyone in the dream. After all, you are the dreamer, therefore you’re actually all the characters in the dream.
When you recall your ex, what are the characteristics you enjoyed most about this person? What did they help bring out of you? Were you more adventurous with them? Do you miss this adventurous side of yourself now that you’re no longer with them in real life? Were they one of your biggest cheerleaders or coaches? Did they help you feel good about yourself in business or another area of your life?
When it comes to ex-dreams, it can be extremely helpful to determine what that person represents to you. This is likely what you’re dreaming about, not the actual person themself.
Some dreams are about wish fulfillment, however this doesn’t mean you want to be back together with this person again. It could simply be that you want something back within yourself that was more present during that time in your life.
If you’re feeling guilty for dreaming about your ex, I’m here to let you off the hook. First of all, you don’t have any control over your unconscious — dreams. You can’t decide to dream about your ex or not, so it’s not like your secretly pining away for them if you’re not interested in getting back together in waking life. Try to find new ways to look at your ex-dreams so they’re less invasive and guilt-inducing.
You’re certainly allowed to have some privacy in your life, so sharing these kinds of dreams with your current partner is not necessary. Privacy is not secrecy, there’s a difference. You may be sparing your current partner’s feelings by not sharing your ex-dream.
If you are, in fact, still interested in your ex and dreaming about them repeatedly, this could also mean that you’re unhappy in your current relationship and want out. This is often what happens when you share an ex-dream with your current partner; it’s like slamming your hand down on the self-distruct button.
If you’re single and dreaming about an ex, this could also mean, you’re single and wishing for parts of that past relationship. As Sigmund Freud famously said, “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.”
What are sex dreams all about?
Sex — in dream state and waking life — is often about power. Many sex dreams can be thought of more as taking power or energy that you need for yourself from another person, or finding this power/energy from within yourself.
Remember the interpretation trick of thinking of yourself as all the characters in the dream? Having sex in a dream is a wonderful example of this phenomenon. It could be about about taking on certain characteristics of the other. However, I find that sex dreams are often more about needing to engage with elements of yourself that you feel separated from right now.
Who is the other person and what do they represent to you? Are they adventurous and you miss this adventurous side of yourself? Were they super-supportive and you need extra support right now? Sometimes these dreams about about getting in touch with a certain side of yourself — feminine or masculine traits — that are currently dormant inside you.
In “The Dream Book,” Betty Bethards states
Sexual intercourse dreams are a merger of energies, aspects or qualities within self. When having sexual intercourse with a particular person, it represents blending the qualities of that person with self, and usually is not actually a sexual dream. Could also mean you have a need for sexual release to harmonize and balance the body.
Sleep Orgasms
If you have an orgasm in real life from a dream, this is normal and common and the technical term is “nocturnal emission.” Nocturnal emissions or sleep orgams usually occur during times of hormonal fluctuations. This is more frequent during puberty for this reason, but continues through adulthood as well. Sex/erotic dreams may lead to nocturnal emissions for all people — yes, for women too — at any age. Not all sex dreams lead to orgasms and not all orgasms are necessarily coming from sex dreams.
If you’re in a relationship and notice yourself having more orgasms from your dream life than you do in waking life, your body may be trying to tell you something. According to this article in Healthline:
If it’s easier for you to have sleep orgasms, then it’s worth exploring what about your dreams is turning you on, and how you could incorporate that into your sex life. Is it a different position? A certain move? Really take the time to connect with your needs and wants, even if that happens to be in dreamland.
You may need to have a more open discussion about sex with your partner. Consider sharing your sex dreams with your partner as a way of exploring what works for you and make your way toward finding your orgasm together. This could be the message from your sex dream.
Don’t Give Too Much Power to Sex and Ex-Dreams
Overall, paying more attention to your dreams can help you learn more about yourself and provide some life guidance. However, do not put too much power into your initial interpretation, especially when it comes to sex and ex-dreams. Try and find new ways of looking at these types of dreams. Explore them more than the first-glance, superficial viewpoint in order to gain more insight and self-understanding for personal growth.
Kimberly Atwood, LPC, CST is a licensed professional counselor and certified sex therapist specializing in sexual health, intimacy and relationships. She is a member of the exclusive provider network for Princeton University. She also provides online telehealth services in Indiana, New Jersey, New York, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, and internationally.
