Sex, Love & Goop: A Review
A sex therapist’s perspective on this Netflix series.
Netflix released a new show called “Sex, Love & Goop” produced by the online company Goop, founded by Gwyneth Paltrow. I went into the six-episode series skeptical about how sex will be discussed and portrayed, and if it will be educational in the right ways.
Right off the bat, I notice that the type of practitioners used in the show are at least somewhat there for shock value. None of this is typical sex therapy — which is broadly just talk therapist with a therapist who is well-educated about sex and comfortable talking about sex more than a lot of other therapists. Much of the hands-on work done with these professionals are not offered in most states. I am a proponent of this type of experiential work, believe it helpful with the right practitioners, and encourage the legaliation of it. However, we live in a sex negative, puritanical society. I don’t see this happening anytime soon.
As a society, we are too silent — which leads to shame — about sex and intimacy. Goop is attempting to help us break out of this silence. I applaud the attempt and am hopeful it will take viewers to a new comfort level.
If nothing else, it will start conversations.
Overall, I am pleasantly surprised by the series. My main complaint is that I wish there were more episodes. It captures a lot that I see regularly in my office related to sex, relationships, human beings with bodies, communication and intimacy.
I applaud Goop for tackling controversial subject matter and offering the general public an opportunity to learn more. Sex is such a taboo subject and we rarely talk about it. Most people struggle with sexual pain, body image issues, and communication breakdowns in silence. Many couples do not know where to begin when it comes to conversations about exploring different kinds of sex, pleasure, and sexual expression with a partner.
Not Porn — thank goodness!
This series starts a conversation about sex and intimacy that is not otherwise available in a truthful, informative way. We often watch pornography as a certain type of education, and of course porn isn’t an education at all. Pornography often leads to more sexual ignorance and confusion. As I’ve frequently heard, learning about how to have sex from pornography is like to learning how to drive from watching “The Fast and the Furious” movies. Porn and movies are forms of entertainment, not education.
Erotic Blueprints
One aspect of the series truly educated me — the Erotic Blueprints quiz to help determine where one falls on the erotic scale. This reminds me of the five love languages quiz, which I often suggest for couples to learn more about their own and, even more importantly, their partner’s love language. I will now be suggesting the Erotic Blueprints quiz for people as well.
It makes perfect sense that we all have different ideas of what eroticism is and how sexuality is expressed. As you’ll see on the website, there are five types of erotic blueprints: energetic, sensual, sexual, kinky, and shapeshifter. I find this framework useful for people to determine their sexual expression and learn more about their partner’s as well. Many couples may have different types and learning about them is important. Educating people about these various erotic expressions will reduce shame and help people validate their partner for having a type other than your own.
The series focuses on one couple’s journey of discovering their erotic blueprint and how their sexual connection came alive once they both understood their own type of erotic pleasure. Damon and Erika’s experience will help many couples because we’re all socialized to believe that the sexual blueprint is “right” and the only form of sexual expression worth having. Damon, unintentionally, seemed to shame his wife for not being “sexual enough” because her erotic blueprint wasn’t the the same as his — sexual blueprint — and isn’t seen as sexual in the general public eye.
One of the greatest discoveries in the entire series, for me, is when Erika and Damon both realize that Erika is indeed quite sexual and embraces sex through a different erotic lens that the couple simply didn’t know existed. We all don’t know what we don’t know. This is likely a blindspot for many of us. Obviously, couples don’t know how to explore different kinds of erotic expression when we, as a general public, aren’t educated about the various types that exist.
Sex Ed
The overall sexual education in this series is surely helpful for the majority who watch. I am especially pleased with the anatomy lesson through the use of a vulva puppet with Damon and Erika. The vastness of the clitoris as a structure in the body is definitely not widely known and surely not a common topic of discussion.
It is interesting to realize in this same setting that the female anatomy was removed from books in the Victorian age, leading to lesser understanding of the female sexual organs and how they are similar yet different from male anatomy. Dr. Jen Gunter also talks about this glimpse of history more in depth in her book “The Vagina Bible,” which I highly recommend for anyone interested in learning more.
Additionally, the education for Shandra and Camille through looking at their own vulva’s in a mirror for the first time is powerful. Learning to explore our own genitals is empowering and really important. For men, this area of the body is external, so men are looking at their genitals regularly. For women, this is harder to do because much of the anatomy is more internal and less accessible. It takes a conscious effort to view our own vulva region; an effort truly worth making in order to feel connected to and empowered in our sexuality.
Sexual Body Image
The body image work, especially with two of the couples — Shandra and Camille and Joie and Mike — is challenging to watch as they explored their own bodies. Body image issues around sex seem universal and this part of the series is relatable.
For Shandra, along with many other women, it is difficult for her to fully accept her body and sexual identity through the experience of penetration without pain. The vaginal pain is at least in part due to internalized homophobia and a religious upbringing that is being expressed through her body. The experience of the body expressing shame through pain is so common, yet we rarely talk about it.
A similar experience comes up for Erika when she realized that she has been bracing — against pain or the anticipation of either pain or other potential forces — for so many years. She recognizes her body bracing and her mind returns to past experiences — like doctor’s visits for pap smears, and less pleasurable sexual experiences — when she is trying to be sensual with her husband. Once she shifts her mind to the present moment, she has an emotional release around how much her body has braced throughout her life. I’m sure many will relate to this experience as well.
Camille also struggles with her own body shame based on her background in the dance world. This is all too common, unfortunately. Being able to accept one’s body, in the here and now, is key. In order to have meaningful, passionate, pleasurable sex, we need to be in our body, embracing it as much as possible, and not picking it apart in our minds. Our brain is our biggest and most important erogenous zone — if the brain is telling you to be ashamed of your body, you’re not going to feel much desire or connection to your body, or your partner.
Sex and Aging
Joie and Mike are a couple in their mid-60’s and Joie is working with her body image through the aging process. It’s so important for people as they age to continue seeing themselves as sexual beings. Aging does not have to take this aspect of living away. In fact, sex can just get better over time. However, many of us get bogged down in the weight gain, wrinkles, and gravity and let those changes define us and diminish our sexual prowess.
The naked vulnerability (pun intended) of Joie’s practitioner, Amina Peterson, through mirror work and the exploration of her body through the aging process is on a different level. Hats off (and every other article of clothing) to Amina for sharing and baring her body in the service of helping others feel more connected, accepting, and loving toward their own bodies.
After seeing the series all the way through, I wish Joie and Mike could also work with the erotic blueprint and the practitioner who Damon and Erika saw as well. This might be something they explore on their own, separate from Goop, at least this is my wish for them. It would have been amazing if the different practitioners in the series could have worked with each of the couples to have a more whole experience, but this is a fantasy of mine and may not be universal.
Endorsement
There is so much more I could go into as an overview of the series, but these are my main takeaways. Hopefully, this is tempting enough for anyone who hasn’t already done so to watch this show. It will likely be eye-opening on at least one level for most people. For many of us raised in the United States, I can imagine this series being controversial in the best way, as well as illuminating on several fronts.
It is my hope that this series will open people’s minds to new and (potentially shockingly) different ideas around sex, love, relationships, and communication on all these topics. It may help to reconsider your own intimate lives and open up to deeper conversations with partners, friends, loved ones, in a positive way.
