So You Want To Visit A BDSM Club?
Some important things to know before your first foray into the den of sin.
**Hopefully, it goes without saying, but during Corona regulations, I don’t recommend — nor should clubs currently condone — play parties where people may be put at risk. I encourage people to keep this information in their back pocket up until play parties are safe again to attend.
Congratulations! You’ve decided to look into your first forays into public BDSM play. I know that’s not an easy decision, and you might be a little nervous. I’m here to tell you not to worry, clubs are friendly and open places as long as you stick to a few simple guidelines.
I first started visiting clubs many years ago, and it’s a decision that I never regretted. I met some of my best friends at BDSM clubs and introduced many people to them that became regulars as well. Hopefully, this handy little list can help you have a successful first visit and keeps you coming back for more.
So let’s get right to it!
The Golden Rule is to know your consent basics.
Consent is not just important in the BDSM community, it’s what makes it possible, and it’s taken very, very seriously. Just because there are titties and asses and cocks in cages roaming around the room doesn’t mean you have an invitation to touch or make lewd comments.
There is absolutely no touching unless invited to, and personal bubbles grow even bigger when two (or more) people are engaged in BDSM play. Keep a respectful distance if you want to watch.
Speak to people as if they have clothes on, and don’t try to engage in conversation with people who are playing or doing aftercare. If you’re not sure whether or not they are, you can politely ask if it’s a good time to introduce yourself. They may let you know they need a moment.
All clubs are different, but they all have a base set of rules.
I’ve been to clubs that range from dance halls with DJ booths to ones that feel like a private home and everything in between. They’re all quite different from city to city, country to country, but one thing is for certain — they will all have their own sets of rules, and will be happy to inform you what they are.
Many BDSM-specific spaces have an orientation, sometimes a full evening and sometimes just a small intro before the play party, where newcomers can get the rundown of the place and safely ask questions. I always recommend these, as they are full of people who are in the same boat as you. Who knows, maybe you can find a club buddy who also doesn’t want to go alone.
As consent is the Golden Rule, some clubs will expand on that. Many also have protocols for cleaning equipment after use, bringing your own towels, noise regulations, and so on. It differs from space to space, so please inform yourself on what is standard in your place of play.
When in doubt, ask the dungeon monitor or event staff.
Many play spaces in the US have dungeon staff whose job it is to maintain safety and answer questions. If that’s not an option, event staff and volunteers are also frequently present. In situations where you are uncertain, they’ll usually be quite pleased that somebody is seeking self-education and can point you in the right direction.
In places where that is not a standard, like BDSM-themed dance clubs (which I see more in Europe), you can use this as an opportunity to strike up a conversation with somebody around you who looks like they’ve been there a few times. Just keep it respectful.
Don’t expect to play on the first night.
I hate to break this to you, but very rarely do people go to a dungeon and find somebody to flog them on the first night. You’re a new face there, and people like to vet their play partners before stripping down and allowing them to do horribly wonderful things to them.
If you want to find people to play with, I suggest making yourself a regular at your local munch. A munch is a meet-up of kinky people in a vanilla space, like a cafe or restaurant, so people can get to know each other outside of the club.
Another helpful tool is a FetLife profile, which can help you find those munches to begin with. FetLife always has an extensive list of events that you can search for by region, and finding classes and munches in your area is a good way to establish yourself as a safe newcomer who is doing their best to educate yourself.
Besides, who doesn’t want to go to a kinky class? People teach workshops on everything from rope bondage to squirting — go find your kink and learn about it. Better yet, you’ll meet people who are into the same thing just by attending!
Door fees and dress codes vary from place to place.
This one is pretty self-explanatory, but the main takeaway here is to look for information on the fees and dress codes. You don’t want to show up to a big sexy night just to realize they won’t let you in the door or that you don’t have enough cash. Do your homework ahead of time. It shows you’re really serious and not just a sight-seer.
Alcohol may be your liquid courage, but it’s not always welcomed.
I have never, ever been to a play space in the US that serves alcohol, and there’s a good reason why. We’re already doing some pretty wild and crazy stuff. Some of it can get pretty dangerous if the players are drunk.
Regulations vary, but don’t count on booze being served unless it’s a private event. Some clubs will allow people entry if they’ve had a drink or two somewhere else beforehand and are not visibly impaired. Others can be more strict.
In Europe, I’ve seen a more relaxed approach to alcohol at events. There’s a lot of trust that people won’t play if they’re too impaired to do so safely and that decision is left to the players. Some dance clubs with play spaces actually encourage alcohol sales, but this is mainly because they’re a dance club first and the play space is secondary.
If you’re a first timer, it’s understandable to need a drink or two to quell the nervousness. But don’t go crazy, and don’t play while intoxicated. Don’t you want to remember all that hotness and feel every sensation that comes with it?
Don’t yuck another person’s yum.
Know that when you enter the club, you’re entering a no-judgment zone. The puppy-play in the corner, that guy getting pegged, the people having needles stabbed into their genitals — all of this is sanctioned. If it weren’t, the staff would have shut it down already.
If you see something that offends you, turn away and move on. This is a safe space for everybody, and nobody should be told their kink is an unsavory exception. Kink-shaming is not just frowned upon, it’s downright not allowed.
Relax.
You’re here! You made it! And everyone here was once as nervous and uncertain as you. So sit back and enjoy the debauchery, perverse noises, and crazy scenery all around you. Strike up a conversation about the joys of anal training. Have a cup of tea. People come to play spaces because they are safe, not because they are intimidating.
I hope this helps you feel prepared for your grand entrance into the public BDSM world. May it be the first visit of many!
