The Fears That Kill Your Threesome Dreams

Four common threesome scares and how to overcome them

Ena Dahl
Ena Dahl
Nov 26, 2019 · 8 min read

Threesomes are high on most people’s sexual bucket lists: According to a 2016 study in the Journal of Sexual Archives, researchers noted 82 percent of men and 31 percent of women were interested in having a threesome. Meanwhile, only 24 percent of men and eight percent of women said they’ve already had a menage a trois.

When they work, threesomes can the epitome of sexual delights. They can be a delicious cherry on top in an already well-oiled sexual dynamic. If you’re the one joining a couple in bed, the experience can feel both adventurous and empowering—and gives you a unique chance to immerse yourself in someone else’s dynamic.

My favorite quote from the sci-fi novel Dune says that “fear is the mind-killer”. I’d also argue that fear is the killer of lots of potential fun and pleasure in the sack. I often hear people talk about how they’d love to have a threesome, but they have all these fears that are holding them back.

I used to have those fears too. I’ve also had some truly outstanding threesome experiences—and a few less-than-great ones. Based on these personal experience I’ve compiled a few classic threesome worries with suggestions for how to overcome them:

1¯

What if my partner will like them more than me?

If you’re thinking about inviting someone into your bedroom, and this is a major worry, it’s a big red flag! You might want to reconsider and ask yourself why you want to have a threesome in the first place.

Threesomes are not a recommended way to rekindle a dying fire, and you could be setting yourself up for failure.

Only consider a threesome as part of a healthy relationship

If you’re a couple, you’re inviting someone into your dynamic, so if the dynamic is non-existent or toxic, your ‘guest’ will feel it. If you’ve ever been invited to dine in the home of someone on the cusp of breaking up, you might know what I’m talking about: They can create the perfect setting, yet you can’t help but feel like something is off, making you wish you hadn’t come in the first place.

You never want to make your guests feel this way! It’s selfish, rude and awkward for everyone.

If you and your partner are in a strong relationship with open communication; if you trust each other and generally feel safe with them, you shouldn’t have a reason to worry. Your partner will not run away with your third just because they’ve seen them naked!

(Ok, I obviously can't guarantee that this won’t happen, but, if they do, it’s probably not the threesome’s fault…)

In a healthy relationship, the experience will rather make your partner more attracted to you; you’ll have created new, exciting memories together, which strengthens a relationship, not the other way around. Most likely your partner will feel super lucky to be dating someone with whom they can share these thrilling and beautiful experiences.

In the relationship with my ex-husband, our communication was toxic and basically non-existent. While I had threesome fantasies, the thought of doing it with him made me cringe. I was especially uncomfortable with the thought of him with another woman because there was no trust between us. Again, unhealthy relationships and threesomes don’t go together!

Later, in well-functioning dynamics, I’ve invited other women in. No matter how hot or beautiful they were, I never feared that my partner would fall for them over me. Instead, it made me feel great about myself and our relationship. This is how it should be!

Be sensitive to each other’s insecurities

Of course, as a couple, you do want to be sensitive about your partner’s, and your own, insecurities and needs.

To use an easy example, if you’re a guy with a smaller cock, you might feel intimidated or emasculated inviting Mr. Big to your threesome. When we care about each other, we want everyone to feel good. On the other hand, it’s beneficial to not let our insecurities get the best of us. We’re here for mutual satisfaction and pleasure—not to win a beauty contest.

Unicorns just wanna have fun!

Whenever I’m the unicorn (aka the one joining), my first concern is always to make sure the woman in the relationship is 100% comfortable with my presence. This comes easy to me since I’m into women, and generally want to focus on her a lot anyway. The man in the FMF usually doesn’t mind watching us getting acquainted and won’t feel left out, whereas if you barge in and go straight for him, she might feel more intimidated.

If you’re a man joining a couple, you should also be sensitive and feel out the couple’s dynamic before you really get in there.

Never once in this situation did I think to run off with one half of the couple. The magical thing about being the unicorn is that you have the privilege to canter in and out at your leisure. You’re (most likely) on a no-strings-attached adventure; you’re simply there to sample the cake. Respectfully so, of course!

Mia Cambriello via Unsplash

2¯

What if we end up not having chemistry?

This is always a risk, but that’s also the case with whoever you go to bed with for the first time. This is also the easiest of the scares to prevent and overcome.

Go on a pre-threesome date

If picking up someone from a dating site, chat first. If you vibe there, arrange a date on a separate day, before going ahead with your plans. You want to know that you all click, and also build a bit of anticipation and tension.

If there are no tingles or butterflies at the thought of taking it further, move on and continue your search.

Invite a friend that you already know you like

You might want to consider hooking up with one of your friends that you always thought was super hot. To some, this might sound awkward, but I’ve had threesomes with some of my best friends and then hung out with them as casually as ever the next day, so I know that this is more than possible.

While sex is a deeply powerful and profound way to connect, it’s also a human, normal thing that we all do. It’s no more awkward than we choose to make it!

If you do end up in bed and find out that the connection is not working and you’re not enjoying yourself, you’re under no obligation to continue. There’s no shame in turning back—ever!

3¯

What if I feel left out?

This is a common worry, but fear not. Really!

First, keep in mind that not everyone can be at the center of attention at all times, this will naturally happen, and that’s okay.

Take turns giving and receiving

I like to take turns making one person the receiver only, while the remaining two focus on pleasing them. If everyone’s trying to give and receive an equal amount at all times, it can feel more like a job than anything.

If I’m part of the couple inviting another woman, I like to start by making her the center of attention to make her feel comfortable and included. Giving her an orgasm right off the bat is also a great way to make her feel relaxed and at ease.

If the person joining is a guy, depending on his stamina and ability to ejaculate multiple times, you might want to bring him close and edge him several times, instead of taking him to climax right off the bat.

Be a voyeur: Lean back and watch the live-porn

Sometimes, involving everyone can be more distracting than beneficial, so chill, it’s your turn soon!

Instead of feeling left out, think about it like this: you’re watching a real-life sex show unfolding right in front of your very eyes. Lay back, take a breather, and maybe play with yourself (because how could you not?).

There’s always something to do

Threesomes are dynamic; they ebb and flow, peak and lull, so roll with the tides. Sometimes you’ll all have your hands, mouths, and other things full, other times you focus on just one thing.

Threesomes are great opportunities to let your creativity run wild, and there’s no limit to the positions and configurations you can get yourself into. Clearly, everyone can’t fuck everyone at all times, and we all know that sex is so much more than penetration anyway. Chances are there are 3 mouths, 6 arms, 3 sets of genitals and a minimum of 4 holes available to play with—just think of the possibilities!

4¯

How do we decide who does what, and when?

Apart from the fear of feeling left out, many are scared of not knowing what to do with themselves. But, just like how it’s fine and natural to take pauses in communication, we can take breaks during sex too. In any kind of group scenario, especially when everyone involved are not familiar with each other, it’s important that all are ready and willing to speak up during the act.

Decide on dos and don’ts before

This is a perfect activity for your pre-threesome date, and making a ‘playlist’ together only adds to the anticipation and excitement. Make sure all important limits and boundaries, as well as wishes and preferences, are on the table.

Appoint a project manager

My top suggestion to overcome this fear is to make someone the boss. My most enjoyable threesomes have all involved an element of powerplay, where one person is more dominant and guides the remaining two.

Doing this doesn't mean that you have to go full-on BDSM. The point is to have someone call the shots to allow for less confusion and indecisiveness overall. Some are naturally more experienced or assertive in bed and would be happy to take the lead, while others feel comfortable and relaxed when they’re told what to do.

Establish these before and decide whether you switch or maintain the same roles throughout. As always, the boss doesn’t hold any real power, but is more like a friendly traffic conductor.

To recap

First, relax! Threesomes are fun and beautiful, occasionally profound, and sometimes awkward too. Don’t worry so much about things being perfect and instead go with the flow. As long as you ensure that relationship dynamics are healthy, lay the ground rules first, and respect everyone involved—and then stay safe, consensual and vocal about your needs throughout—you’re basically guaranteed to have an amazing time.

And if something doesn’t go as planned, or even totally flops, you’ll have something to laugh hysterically about after, while cuddling and eating ice cream in bed.

Enjoy!

Sexography

Conversations about sex from all around the world

Ena Dahl

Written by

Ena Dahl

Sensualist, alchemist, artist & muse · I write to transmute pain to magick · Believer in sexual healing & the divine feminine · enadahlwrites@gmail.com

Sexography

Conversations about sex from all around the world

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