The Ins and Outs of D**k Pics
“Why hello there penis!”
“Why hello there penis!”
That was my first reaction to the penis on my phone. My boyfriend at the time — we’ll call him Ryan — had texted me a picture of his rather large member. We were dating long-distance, and he had somehow gotten the idea that sending a picture of his giganto schlong would keep things hot while we were miles apart. In the absence of his physical presence, he surmised, I would find pleasure in a picture of his dick. I did not.
On my phone, in the cold, sober light of day, it looked kind of purplish and weird, like some sort of demented, amputated arm. Don’t get me wrong — his penis was bomb.com. More often than not, it was a source of great delight. But I didn’t want a picture of it on my phone. It didn’t turn me on, and I certainly didn’t ask for it. No, instead, it just popped up while I was sitting at my desk in the office, in plain view of anyone who might pass by.
The photo itself was badly lit, and it looked like something I might have seen in my college human-sexuality class. I wondered if Steven Meisel had shot said appendage, would it have been more alluring? Sexier? If I was to send a pic of my boobs to someone, I imagine I would at least have the decency to set the scene.
Did he think I was going to suddenly be quivering with excitement, ready to run to the nearest bathroom to rub one out? I was befuddled. But then again, I’ve also had men offer to:
• Take me to Whole Foods (yes, the grocery store) on a first date.
• Tell me I wasn’t funny or smiley enough (I beg to differ), but that I should go out with them again.
• Bring their friends on a date.
Boobs are cute and fun, like pillows. Penises, however, are inherently sort of funny-looking. Just imagine what Mardi Gras would be like if people went around flashing penises instead of tits.
But some men surmise that just because they like a little visual stimulation, the object of their affection probably would, too. This type of thinking works great with gay couples— I’ve never met a gay man who didn’t like a good penis pic — but for women, not so much. If Ryan really wanted to turn me on, he would have told me what he was going to do to me when we saw each other next. A penis is only really truly exciting in the heat of the moment. The idea of Ryan was sexy because of how much chemistry we had, his razor-sharp intelligence, and the way he made me laugh.
But at least Ryan and I were dating. Some guys tend to think it’s okay to just randomly send penis pictures to any woman they’re trying to pick up. But as Brett Favre and the appropriately named Congressman Weiner so eloquently showed us, that’s not the case. Women do not like to receive photos of penises they never requested. It’s like virtual flashing, except, instead of instilling the viewer with a sense of awe, the unsolicited photo offers room for laughter.
When my friend received a surprise dick pic from a guy she was dating (but hadn’t slept with yet), the first thing she did was recoil in horror. Not because it was a penis, but because it was skinny and small. It looked, in her words, “like a miniature-golf pencil.” Unsure why he would boast about such an unimpressive member, she forwarded the offending image to all her friends. Boys, if you insist on sending women penis pics, make sure your junk is up to snuff and that she wants to see it.
To be fair, there are some women who do like to receive a nice dick pic, but not necessarily because they find it a turn-on. My slightly kooky friend Selena, for example, loves to receive penis pics, but only after she asks for them. However, it’s not because she goes home and masturbates to them, or even that they turn her on. She simply wants to know what she’s working with before she gets down and dirty. Not only size-wise but aesthetically speaking. Very practical, but not so sexy.
Modern technology has opened up the ways in which we flirt, but it’s a double-edged sword. Should you choose to use it carelessly, like Favre or Weiner, you may find yourself the subject of mockery and ridicule. Use it wisely and she may be all yours.
The moral of the story? When in doubt, keep it in your pants.
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