Image: Shutterstock

The Psychology of Fellatio

You Might Be Surprised At What Motivates People to Give Oral Sex

Joe Duncan
Feb 20, 2020 · 8 min read

took me a startlingly long time to learn that giving a blowjob could be as pleasurable for the woman giving it as it is for me. I think most men tend to feel the same and it’s no wonder why, there are so many wonderful things about receiving oral sex from your partner that most men become giddy at the opportunity to receive one. In fact, many of my would-be great instances of fellatio were tempered by the fact that I couldn’t just sit back and rest assured in complete confidence that she was enjoying herself as much as I was. Fellas, feel free to give me a silent nod if this sounds like you.

Well, rest assured, while I don’t speak for all women, here, there is quite a bit of data lying around that suggests that at least a substantial portion of women do, indeed, love giving us head. To those that don’t — to the women for whom it’s more of a laborious task done begrudgingly to keep us happy, hey, that’s your prerogative and they shouldn’t be berated for it — it’s important that we keep in mind that oral sex is a gift, not something to be commanded from other people — unless they’re into that sort of thing.

Gentlemen, if you’re reading this, feel free to candidly ask if your partner loves giving you oral sex and I guarantee you, she’ll give you an honest reply to run with and you can take it from there. Take it at face value and adjust your sex life accordingly. If you’re like I was, perhaps you can relax a little bit in the knowledge that she’s down there having a good time. I know I wasted a lot of would-be great blowjobs worrying whether or not it would be wonderful for the other person involved.

What’s to Love?

I’ve always wondered how, why would women love giving oral sex to a man…what is it that women find appealing? From the perspective of a heterosexual guy, it just seems so…uncomfortable. I liken it to that awful feeling when you’ve taken too big of a bite of your dinner and you can’t really even chew it, you’re just suspending in this weird, uncomfortable limbo that you can’t quite get yourself out of; your gag reflex is starting to set in, as well as the ensuing panic because you don’t know what else you’re going to do, sitting there in front of your family trying to decide — as your jaw aches begin to creep up — whether to spit up this nasty and chewed-up mouthful of potatoes or try to swallow. Yes, I couldn’t think of a more appropriate metaphor to describe what the discomfort of giving a blowjob must be like for the giver, man or woman.

But it turns out, there’s a lot to love and women, loving and king creatures that they are, are often willing to put up with that discomfort in order to make us men happy…because that, in turn, makes them happy…not to mention, it usually makes them incredibly turned on.

  • Of a small sample, one woman replied that it’s the moans that she loves the most, hearing a man moan, be it gently or like a groaning and masculine man who’s lost control of himself. Knowing that she’s in total control of his entire body and having the audible affirmations to reassure her of this fact, many women report this being the driving factor in whether or not they love the process of giving.
  • Other women report that they feel an intoxicating amount of power in sucking a man off, bringing him to his knees while she’s on hers. In short, they like to be in control and there’s no better way to put a man in his place than with a great blowjob.
  • For still other women, they feel that giving a blowjob is one of the moments in time when they see their men at his most vulnerable. He’s open, exposed, free, and he brings his guard down, allowing her to bow and consume him; he exposes his penis to a risk of potentially painful teeth — there’s an element of intimacy that isn’t involved in other forms of sex because of it. For many partners out there, it’s an unbelievably organic and human experience.
  • While this list could go on ad infinitum, I’ll end on the note that many women also report that they feel that a blowjob is the best way to give their men a proper treat that he’s guaranteed to enjoy. I’ll add a note, here, that I’ve had and seen a lot of women operate on this assumption without ever checking with the man in the picture to make sure that he too loves receiving oral sex. I think a lot of women might be surprised to find out that a lot of men don’t love it all that much. Media tends to embellish a bit and paint the picture of us men that makes us look sex-hungry and like we’re selfish takers, but this isn’t always the case. Men are varied and our sexual preferences vary, too. When it comes to giving me a “treat” personally, I’d much rather give oral sex than receive it, unless the person giving it is overt about their motivations. If it’s something they truly love doing, hey, who am I to stop them, but it’s not something I lay awake at night dreaming about. Not all men love blowjobs.

On Being a Good Receiver

Louanne Weston is a sex therapist in Fair Oaks, California, who pulls no punches when it comes to mentioning just how much many women love to please, saying:

“Lots of women derive pleasure from feeling a lover’s erection in their mouths, but few women relish what you often see in pornography — having their heads held firmly while men push their erections deep down their throats.”

That’s right, guys, the head push isn’t something women enjoy, on a whole, and unless it’s explicitly stated, it’s much better to operate under the assumption that women don’t love to give oral sex like we see on porn. She continues:

“That makes most women gag and feel used. But with the man seated or on his back and the woman kneeling or above him, she has a great deal of control and can be as playful and creative as she likes. Many women enjoy that — as well as seeing how much their lovers enjoy oral sex.”

The key to making sure a woman enjoys pleasuring us, bringing us to the heights of ecstasy, is consent, consent, consent. It’s important that we openly discuss what they want and how they want to give it to us, what their limits are, and how they want us to be as recipients. Trust me, if you go out of your way to make sure you’re a good receiving partner, not only will women likely be incredibly touched that you took the time and attention to care about them, they’ll likely give you a whole lot more blowjobs as a result. Feel free to make the conversations as casual, yet, assertive as possible:

  • While you’re down there, do you like my hand on the back of your head?
  • Do you like to have your hair pulled when you give head?
  • Do you want me to let you know before I cum?
  • Do you want me to caress you while you blow me?

Asking these sorts of questions can get the ball rolling and get the conversation started so we can all get on the same page of what’s expected and what’s to come. Somewhere along the spectrum between ‘timid and shallow giver’ and ‘gluck, gluck, huyuck,’ a la Sasha Grey, every individual person lies.

Fellatio Funk — The Hygiene of Oral Sex

No oral sex article is complete without a brief mention of hygiene. I think we men would be surprised at how many women hold their nose, metaphorically speaking, and go down to blow us. We should make sure we’re keeping up-to-date on our hygiene practices to avoid funk build-up that may deter or otherwise make our wonderful giver uncomfortable while wrapping their lips around our manhood. This is something that’s perfectly okay to discuss with your partner as well.

As awkward as it may feel, at first, it eventually becomes easier to discuss in time, when we ask just how clean our partners would like us. Some women love the way men smell and bask in it, but like with anything, there’s such a thing as too much. Fragrance and cleanliness are a very personal and intimate thing and the more maturely we can have such a conversation, the better. No matter what the result of such a conversation, we shouldn’t take it personally and I can just about guarantee that every single woman out there will be thankful that we brought it up and took the effort to be concerned with their feelings.

The Etiquette of the Encore

Semen is the Latin word for seed, just as fellatio is a derivative of the Latin word fellare which is the verb for sucking. And, no matter how great the session, much to the dismay of my male readers, at some point, it must come to an end. And now…for the grand finale…so, what exactly do you do with the grand finale? Well, the answer is, whatever the two participants in the equation want. I think many of my more ‘giving’ readers would like to know that semen is composed of the following:

  • Water (97%)
  • Sperm (in the form of protein)
  • Sugar
  • Enzymes and Proteins
  • Vitamin C
  • Magnesium, Potassium, and Phosphorus (which is why it has its characteristic, stout, and for some, unpleasant taste)

For a more detailed read on this subject, I suggest checking out this story from Mel Magazine, if you really want to know what semen is composed of. Some women love ejaculate, some women detest it and don’t want it near them, this is up to the individual participants involved. For those who love it (and the men who love women who love it), it’s considered a very intimate act, an act of acceptance to the highest degree.

It says, “I will consume a part of you; I will ingest you.” Very little is quite so powerful when it comes to sexual symbolism. For us men, this is where the real psychological draw comes into play, it’s a sort of sexual communion between participants that both parties can often enjoy.

Follow Sexography on Facebook and Twitter to stay up to date on upcoming news and featured stories.

Sexography

Conversations about sex from all around the world

Sign up for Sexography's Newsletter

By Sexography

22,000 followers, new editor & more Take a look.

By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don’t already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices.

Check your inbox
Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription.

Joe Duncan

Written by

From Los Angeles, California. Life isn’t a series of many moments, but one moment that is always changing. Buy me coffee here: https://ko-fi.com/joeduncan

Sexography

Conversations about sex from all around the world

Joe Duncan

Written by

From Los Angeles, California. Life isn’t a series of many moments, but one moment that is always changing. Buy me coffee here: https://ko-fi.com/joeduncan

Sexography

Conversations about sex from all around the world

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store