The Science of Libido
How a hyperactive libido impacts on a relationship, and how to keep it in check.
The human libido is a curious thing. It has such an important part to play in our lives, yet very few of us understand how it works, or its importance within our intimate relationships. If ever we do become aware of it, we tend to brush it off almost without a second thought — unless, like me, your libido is constantly roaring in your ears.
The popular view of libido has been that men have too much of it, and women not enough. Although, modern studies into sexual appetite have a much more nuanced approach to this idea at a scientific level. The scientific truth is that we (men and women) are all individuals, and we all have different levels of libidinous drive, and sometimes those different levels can throw a curveball into our relationships.
I live with a high libido. It is something that has dogged all of my past relationships and has been an important contributor to their successive collapse, the resultant collective pain, and the chaos that ensues after the collapse. And that is why it is so important that we learn how our libido works, how to manage it, and how to not brush it off. Too often it is dismissed as ‘just wanting to get your leg over — again’ complete with eye-rolls.
Our libido is what drives our desire for sex, making love, getting our leg over, procreation (or whatever other euphemism you care to use). It is easy to brush-off sex as merely a physical need to be satisfied, however; what is missed in the brush-off is the fact that sex is fundamental to our intimate relationship state. Neurologists tell us that the act of having sex/making love stimulates the production of a variety of hormones which are necessary for the well-being of our intimate relationship. Most well-known are the production of Oxytocin which is the ‘bonding’ hormone; Serotonin which is the ‘relaxing’ hormone; and Dopamine which is the ’reward’ hormone.
Now, you don’t need to be a neurologist to understand that if you are relaxed and bonding in a rewarding sexual encounter, then your relationship will be benefiting from that encounter. However, what most of us fail to take into account is the positive impact that sex has on us as individuals. Amongst other hormones produced in the brain during sex are; Immunoglobulin-A which is an antibody that helps to protect us from infections; Prolactin which helps us combat stress and promotes good sleep; and in women, Oestrogen, which can help protect from heart disease, osteoporosis, Alzheimer’s; and also promotes the production of collagen that keeps the skin healthy and supple. Not to mention the physical and cardiovascular benefits that go hand-in-hand with good sex; an enthusiastic love-making session can burn up to 200 calories, and provide a workout that helps protect against heart attacks. So, good regular lovemaking/sex is beneficial to us as individuals, too.
This is all very well if you are in a relationship that provides all of the good sex that your libido needs — but what if the imbalance between you and your partner means that your libido remains unsated; then things get tricky.
The problem for the sufferer of a high libido is that they are impacted by negative hormonal changes in the brain through not having sex that are very different from the positive changes that occur when they are. Most well-known is the absorption of Testosterone (the male hormone) that can make people aggressive and/or combative — all well and good for the gym, or fighting off Sabre-tooth tigers, but not really constructive in an intimate relationship; Adrenaline (the fight/flight hormone) which interferes with clear thinking, and can have the effect of making them tetchy and short-tempered; and Cortisol (the ‘stress’ hormone). Added to those is the constant production of Dopamine which can have the effect of suppressing the production of Serotonin (the calming hormone) which can lead to symptoms of depression. All of which can make them difficult to live with when their high libidinous drive is being denied.
In my personal experience, I understand that, in the past, that denial was due (more often than not) to a set of circumstances that were beyond my ex-partners’ control — but my libido and the hormones in my brain didn’t.
I now understand that the negative changes that take place in my brain when my libido kicks in are evident about 24hrs after making love with my partner. By that time, the post-coital glow has gone as my Dopamine and Oxytocin levels have dropped back to normal, and there is the desire to make love again. That desire becomes insistent after about 18hrs and overwhelming within 24hrs. From that point on, as my brain produces more Adrenaline and Cortisol, along with absorbing more Testosterone, I have to concentrate on monitoring my behaviour (not being tetchy, or quick to ire), and I have to really concentrate to focus on the ordinary tasks of my work and domestic day. The moment my focus drops my mind turns to how/when I can make love to my partner again. I will scheme elaborate processes in my head to ease their day so that they can relax and be more open to a gentle ‘pass’; it becomes THE overriding thought in my head. The constant concentration is exhausting, and also means that in extreme periods I live my life through an unpleasant vicarious sacrifice that no amount of ‘self-administration’ can relieve.
At a physical level, the Cortisol and Adrenaline prevent me from sleeping properly unless I self-medicate. And a particularly unpleasant side-effect is the production and build-up of Nitric Oxide (stimulating blood flow) which leads to random spontaneous tumescence (not what you want standing in the queue at the supermarket). Almost every touch or look (unless blatantly obvious) is translated as sexual in my hormone-addled brain; each leading to a rise of expectation and a change in brain chemistry that prompts a Pavlovian response in preparation for making love with my partner. This is an automatic response to a stimulus that I am not even aware of — the ‘Psychophysiology of Sex’ (ed. Jansen, 2007) states that:
“…processing of an actually present or imagined sexual stimulus automatically results in preparation of the organism for sexual action. When we become aware of these bodily changes, through feedback of these bodily responses to the brain, we experience sexual excitement and desire.” (Both et al, pp330–331)
Each subsequent denial stimulates the production of Adrenaline and Cortisol which mixes with the Testosterone to produce an unbalancing cocktail of hormones that have the capability, if unchecked, to make me surly and short-tempered. In this state, I am more susceptible to irritation (which produces more adrenaline) over the smallest of things, and I am constantly trying to be aware of my own responses to outside stimuli which lead to constant underlying stress (which produces more Cortisol). Also, each denial is accompanied by an unconscious sense of disappointment. In my past relationships, this unconscious disappointment and the intimate withdrawal that comes with it has led to feelings of resentment (in my ex-partners and I) which have undermined the stability of those past relationships. When sexual intimacy is the mortar that holds the blocks of a relationship together, disappointment provides the cracks in which the weeds of discontent take root.
On the other side of the unequal libido is the partner who is faced with the almost constant sexualising of any/every look and touch. This constant attention can often lead them to feel pressured, at best, or regarded as an object of sexual gratification, at worst. It can promote feelings of self-doubt about their own libido — ‘it must be me that’s not normal’ — which undermines their own self-confidence regardless of any reassurance that their partner gives them. The resulting self-doubt can, in some cases, completely kill any desire that they had, and lead to the collapse of a relationship. They can also feel performance pressure (if/when they are trying to keep up with their high-libido partner) which in some cases can lead to a sense of ‘going through the motions’ in order to keep the high libido partner happy. However, we all know that ‘going through the motions’ type of sex/love-making is rarely satisfying for either partner over the long-term.
So how can both partners manage a high libido in order to reduce the negative impact it can have on a relationship?
The most important thing is to understand how our libido works in us as individuals; once we have that knowledge, we can then learn to manage it, like any other condition.
Communication, as always, is the next step; if we know (or think), in our experience, that either partner has a high libido it is important to discuss it with our partner as soon as we feel the time is right — I told my current partner that a lot of sex is a vitally important part of my relationship needs after we had been together for a couple of months.
Compromise is as necessary in this aspect as it is in all others within a respectful intimate relationship; our high libido must not be the alter on which our partner’s needs are sacrificed, nor should we have to bury our libidinous needs in order to ‘keep the peace’. Working together we must find regularity in timing (not content) to our sex/love-making that helps reduce the pressure on both partners. It is easier to control our libido if we are busy looking forwards to a specific time/day, and it is easier for our partner to look forwards to ‘getting together’ if they are not feeling under constant pressure.
Compassion is the key element for all of the above; there will be times when we have to understand that our partner is physically/emotionally incapable of sex/making love, so we simply have to keep our libido in check, and not resort to pointing out ‘…but it’s Friday…’ on this occasion.
It is also necessary for our partner to understand that we cannot help having a high libido, and to be prepared to work with us to manage it for the benefit of the relationship.
By understanding how our libido works and working together to develop effective management techniques, we can prevent any imbalance from impacting negatively on our partner and protect our relationship.
