Want to have better sex?
The science says this will do the trick. It’s simple, but not easy.
We live in such a highly distractible world now. It is incredibly hard to be in stillness or even read a book. It might even be a struggle to get through reading this far into this article because we’re all distracted by social media, phones, news, to-do lists, children, work, (and much more). We often find it challenging to be in the moment with only one focal point…even (or especially) with sex.
According to Dr. Lori Brotto’s book “Better Sex Through Mindfulness”
Brain-imaging studies show that distraction and inattention impair our ablity to attend to and process sexual cues. Even in a highly sexually arousing situation, our brains may not be paying attention to sexual triggers that are necessary to elicit a sexual response […]. It is as if the body is present but the mind is elsewhere — lost in thoughts, memories, or plans.
What is mindfulness?
Mindfulness is paying attention to and noticing where you are and what you are doing, thinking, feeling, sensing right now, in any moment, without judgment. It is a tool for training the brain to be here, now. It is not about shutting off the brain, rather embracing and noticing when the brain is firing and/or time traveling.
We are often floating away from the current moment in our minds. We are thinking about what just happened at the grocery store an hour ago, or running through our to-do list to make sure we don’t forget. We are rarely here, right now. By training our brains, we can experience more moments of here-ness.
The ability to be present, aware, and in the moment, can certainly be useful when it comes to sex. Many people, especially women, have trouble staying connected and present during sex. Many of us find it difficult to get turned on, at times, because we are thinking so much about past and future. We also may struggle to stay focused on pleasurable experiences because our brain keep taking us out of the moment and our body, therefore pleasure isn’t really possible.
Formal Practice
Mindfulness can be improved by using a formal meditation practice in the mornings and/or evenings as a training for the brain. You may wish to sit in silence and focus only on the breath as an anchor. Or, you might want to use guided meditations to help you focus and be guided by someone’s voice. I use and like Insight Timer, but there are loads of apps and other options out there.
If you use an app for guided meditations, you may search for a mindful eating meditation where the guide walks you through eating a piece of chocolate or a raisin mindfully and with intention. There is such a noticeable difference when we mindfully eat something versus scarf it down while watching TV or just eating quickly.
You may also try a body scan meditation. This type of meditation helps us connect more fully to all parts of your body mindfully. Over time, you will create new neural pathways and be able to more effectively connect to your body. This can be useful when engaging in sex and pleasurable touch in your body.
Consistency is the key to formal practice. It is more important to engage in a formal practice for a short time on more days than not each week, rather than only doing a long meditation once a week, for example. I would suggest starting with 2–5 minutes once or twice per day and then you might work up to 10 or 15 minutes once or twice per day. The consistent practice will help build the skill over time.
Informal, everyday mindfulness practice
You will want to combine a formal meditation practice with everyday mindfulness whenever you can remember. In my opinion, remembering is truly the hardest part. If you’re just starting out, you might want to combine mindfulness with a habit you already engage in daily, like making coffee/tea and brushing your teeth.
When you’re making and drinking your morning beverage (coffee, tea, whatever) make it a conscious and engaging activity. Simply make or drink it. It’s really simple, but trust me, it’s not easy, at least not initially. Notice how you start trying to do a bunch of other things while the water boils or drips, or even as your pour. Your mind will likely wander in different directions for these few minutes if you’re not engaged in another chore or activity. Gently bring your attention back to making your beverage. Don’t be surprised if this gentle return of your attention happens a hundred times in this one activity.
The same goes for brushing your teeth. You’re bound to do this at least twice a day, so try and remember to engage in it mindfully. Again, this is simple. Just brush your teeth. However, you’ll notice your mind wandering and an attempt to engage in at least one, if not several other tasks at the same time. Gently return to brushing your teeth over and over.
Once you’ve practiced with daily habitual tasks, then you might want to move on to noticing inner self-talk. Paying attention to how you talk to yourself
Mindfulness = better sex
Here are just a few things to consider when practicing mindfulness for better sex:
1 — Engage all your senses — touch, smell, taste, sight, sound — and really notice each and every one of them as fully as possible. When engaging the senses, it helps us stay present and aware. It will be a little harder for your mind to wander off to your to-do list, though it can still happen. When your mind wanders, simply bring it back to one or all of your senses. Immerse yourself in the sensations.
2 — Breathe. Notice the natural rhythms of your breath and surrender to them as much as possible. Breathe deeply and consciously when you notice your mind wandering off to the past or future. When we use our breath to relax and release rather than control and withhold, sex is more powerful and can really help relieve tension and stress.
3 — Practice non-judgment and acceptance. If your inner dialogue distracts you, it’s okay. Try to be gentle with yourself; no need to beat yourself up about it. Just gently return to the sensations in the moment. If this happens over and over (and it will in the beginning), let it go and keep practicing. You are not bad or wrong, just distracted. Mindfulness actually rewires the brain to focus more on the present moment, and rewiring takes time.
4 — Remove distractions. Turn off the TV. Silence the phone or other electronics.
Go forth and practice, practice, practice…
Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist and sex therapist specializing in sexual wellness and intimacy in private practice in Princeton, NJ. She is offering a 5-week online Women’s Sexual Wellness group starting in July 2022. This group is a supportive and educational group for women who want to take charge of their sexual energy, build confidence, increase mindfulness, and explore pleasure.
