What I Learned About Men as a Fetish Star
What a porn site taught me about men
I’m going to just spit it out: I’m a 40-something working mother who is relatively popular on a well-known fetish website. There. I said it. Got that secret off my chest.
In the four years that I’ve been on it, I’ve learned a lot about men.
The Obligatory Backstory
I’m your classic case of a woman approaching her middle age who wanted aesthetic validation. I had kids and a full-time job, thus no time to myself. I managed to treat myself to a “Mommy Makeover” body surgery but nothing drastic; I just wanted to take care of sagging skin and drooping boobs.
If you saw me in real life, without being all dolled up, you’d think that I got hit by a truck. My undereye circles are pronounced and my hair is barely brushed. I work a standard office desk job where I schlep in wearing a company t-shirt and baggy jeans. When naked, I look like Frankenstein thanks to a tummy tuck scar and I’m plastered with stretch marks. My days of getting male attention are long over.
I had a husband and a dead bedroom. Not my choice. His low libido and lack of sexual attention my way made me feel even worse about myself. Lingerie didn’t make a difference and eventually, my self-esteem couldn’t handle any more rejection.
I literally just wanted a male human to say, “Yeah, I’d fuck you”.
Becoming the Poor Man’s Porn
One evening when I was perusing the XXX internet world (having a dead bedroom leaves you pretty horny), I came across Fetlife.com. If you’re not familiar, it’s the website for all things kink and fetish. Everything from rope-tying to master/slave relationships to guys shoving random metal objects up their dicks. If you can think of it, there’s a fetish for it.
I whipped up my profile with a non-identifiable username and a blurb about how I was a horny working woman in a dead bedroom. Posted a few naked pics and made sure my face was cropped. Since I’m what is considered “vanilla” (no whips or nipple clamps for this gal), I didn’t have a lot to add to my profile. A few minutes of effort and I was ready to go.
Lesson Learned #1: men love women who are secretly horny.
The men that read my profile went wild at the thought of their female coworkers lusting after them in meetings. It’s not surprising that men yearn for women who are excited to have sex but also that men desire women who keep that a secret, like some alter ego. Kind of like the naughty librarian fantasy except with a coworker…who is wearing a hoodie…barely any makeup…and is shoveling a vending machine Twix during a meeting. So basically, the complete opposite of a naughty librarian physically but in spirit.
Becoming Little Miss Popular
Through Fetlife’s algorithm, my profile was consistently promoted. I racked up thousands of Friends and liked images.
There is a pretty good ratio of men to women on Fetlife. However the women are the ones putting up most of the kinky pictures. Note that I can’t speak for LGBTQ ratios.
Lesson #2: more men than you’d think are not just into thin women with big breasts.
It shocked me that there is a pretty even spread of body types that men respond to. The same guy that gives sexual praise to a bodacious tight body with zero pubic hair is also the same guy who will give a drooling comment to a woman who is overweight and hasn’t groomed anything down south. What they all had in common is what men lusted after: a naked body interested in sex.
You might think that there’s no way that guys would lust over your body if you haven’t been to a gym and it’s been ravaged by childbirth. Any female body regardless of shape, random things flapping, loose skin that folded over itself, or vaginas that looked like they had seen some real shit in war all received mass amounts of praise and adoration from men.
Lesson #3: men don’t get off on just the naked picture as much as they’re getting off thinking the girl in that naked picture is aroused as well.
In addition to posting pictures, I used the journal feature as a way to brain dump everything from past sexual exploits to marital woes to bitching about everyday life. It was surprising the number of men who would read them. My guess is that men read my journal entries to feel that they had a connection with me, or they were in a similar marital situation.
From the beginning, friend requests and messages inundated my Fetlife inbox. I’m not saying that because I’m hot stuff and my pictures spawned buckets of baby batter from men but simply because I was female. That’s all.
I present to you the general groups of people who messaged me.
Occasionally I would receive messages from women. Every female knows that we’re the most critical about other women; having another chick complement your naked body feels pretty damn good.
Men Who Were Lazy
My single friends tell me that men on dating sites are generally lazy. If I were to judge men by this category, I would be inclined to agree. Any female of any size on a fetish site is swamped with mail. So if any of these men wanted a reply, they should have done better than the following examples. These are all real messages in their entirety with no editing:
“Hope you are well?” Well judging by your question, I sure wonder if I’m well too.
“How have you been gorgeous”
“Hie miss, can be frnds” Sigh. No. Just no.
“Would you like to masturbate with me or watch me” This can’t possibly be an effective method to find an audience.
You get the gist of it. Whether it’s in real life, on a dating site, or on a sex site, there will always be men who are lazy and want to get laid with the least amount of effort. That includes men who wrote a lot but clearly copy/paste the same jerkoff material to every woman they message, such as:
“You come to my place as instructed, you dressed up like my slut, a collar around your neck, without underwear, and you are wearing an anal plug, as soon as you go inside, I slap your ass, and put a leash on you, I make you go to the bedroom crawling like an obedient bitch in heat. In the bed I kiss you, while I take off your clothes, to find your wet pussy with my fingers, I keep using my fingers until they are drenched, and take it to your mouth for you to taste yourself, I suck your tits, I fondle them the way you love, I bite your nipples and lick them, after, while doing that I go back and forth kissing your neck, and my fingers are inside of you. You beg me for my cock like a cum hungry whore, I make you suck my cock while I eat your delicious pussy, you can’t control yourself and you squirt in my face, but you keep sucking because you want to swallow, so I help you and I fuck your face, we keep eye contact, you gag and your eyes are watery but you take it like a good girl, until you make me cum, you swallow, but it’s too much, so you close your eyes and put a happy face while I unload on you… The next part we don’t know yet…”
Truthfully, I haven’t even read any of the above text and I don’t plan on it. Women don’t want to feel like they’re only worth a copy/paste and we definitely don’t want to hear your unsolicited fantasies.
Lesson #4: whether it’s real-life or online, there are always men who will take the lazy way out. Fortunately, this is clear because they’re too lazy to even hide their laziness.
Men Who Attempted to Bone Me
Obviously, some guys were thinking with just their dicks. When will men realize that dicks are a dime a dozen? I could step outside and within 10 minutes easily find a guy who will show me their dick. Unless we already know the human to which the dick is attached, a penis on it’s own is relatively meaningless.
Lesson #5: if it was unknown before, men love telling women about their dicks. They are very proud of their dicks. So proud in fact that they will assume women will be in awe. No matter what their dick looks like, they will be in heaven if you adore their meat.
Here’s a sampling of messages, copied verbatim:
“Hi — Are you the sexiest woman in the world? Because it seems like you are the sexiest woman in the world.” My fragile ego needed to hear that. Thank you good sir.
“Do you like creampies from Monster Thick Cock? I can play. I’m (name deleted) send me some contact detail and we’ll meet up”
“Mmmmmm you seem absolutely yummy….ever been bound in rope and gagged by a cock nearly a coke can thick? 😈 My girl and I both find you insanely attractive 🦄” I should point out that the subject of this message was “thick white cock”.
“You have a gorgeous body! Ever think about bondage and power play? If you like it rougher but passionate, we might make great play partners!”
“Can i be sevant for you mistress . I am university student from Egypt and have 20 years and i want you toTorment, Flog me and treat me as your dog. Hit me on my testicle, piss in my mouth open my ass . Do anything you want in me my mistress. Tell me anything and i will do it. Your new sevant 🌹💚💜”
You get the idea. This category of message was up my alley and definitely satisfied my destroyed ego.
Lesson Learned #6: men love telling anyone who will listen how they are hard and how they jerked off to something. They say this with the same excitement as if they found gold in their backyard. If you have a lull in conversation with a man, ask how he jerked off and he’ll yap for hours.
Men Who Wanted Sex and a Relationship
Obviously, there were men who made genuine effort to connect. That one surprised me, I falsely assumed all my messages would be of the “hi, let’s fuck” nature. I think that for some people a fetish site is how they meet others for real attempts at relationships with both people knowing they value sexual activity. It’s actually not a bad idea if you think about it: find out from the start whether you’re sexually compatible and into the same shit rather than bemoan about it later…when you’re married…with kids…and have a dead bedroom.
These kinds of messages were rather lengthy, here are a few (copied verbatim) that were on the shorter side:
“Hi how are you doing today, hopefully your enjoying your week.
My name is (name removed) and well i am very interested in chatting with you. Hopefully we would find each other interesting and enjoy getting to know one another. say hello if you would like to chat.”
“Hope it’s been a great weekend! Would LOVE to know more about cha. I obviously know I’m attracted. Best part of weekend? Place you’ve most wanted to get naughty (location wise?)”
Most of the others are too long for me to post samples.
Lesson #7: when a guy is genuinely interested, he is putting his heart (and in this case, his dick) on his sleeve. He knows he might get rejected but he’s willing to take that leap of faith anyway, just for the chance. The “he was intimidated by you” theory for unresponsiveness is bullshit.
Men Who Made No Sign of Wanting Sex, Just Friendship
I have to admit, I was most surprised about this group of men who messaged me.
If we’ve learned anything from shows with prostitutes, it’s the old adage that men are really just paying for someone to listen to them. They’re right.
Lesson #8: men in shitty marriages are lonely too. Not just horny, but emotionally isolated and yearning to connect with the opposite sex.
I received floods of emails from unhappily married men because their wives didn’t want sex anymore. I tried my best to explain sex from their wives’ perspectives. Almost all of them had children and I explained that having a human grow inside of you, fuck up your body, and destroy your sleep cycle will make your libido turn to mush. It destroys your self-esteem when you look in the mirror and don’t recognize the reflection back at you because it’s so jacked up from converting “Fun Wife” to “Unfun, Exhausted, and Jacked Up Body Wife”. I felt strongly to convey that I’m not a sex kitten by day; I’m also a tired wife who struggles with her sexual identity.
Lesson #9: husbands don’t care about their wives’ post-baby bodies as much as we think they do. If you want sex and you want it with them, they’re stoked. You may think you look ridiculous in lingerie but they couldn’t care a less if it’s ten sizes too small; they just see “A FEMALE HUMAN WANTS ME TO PUT A PENIS IN HER, HURRAY”.
I’m not sure how to write this next line without sounding entitled but here goes: the novelty of thousands of men telling you that you’re sexy and fuckable wears off after a while.
I wanted my self-esteem boosted and I achieved that goal.
Now I’m sure at some point when reading this you’re wondering, “uh what about the hot mess that is your marriage, husband, and dead bedroom”? That’s something I’m still working on but at least I know that it’s not for a lack of sexiness on my part, thanks to this experience. My marital bedroom drama will be another post for another time.
Lessons from the Fetish World to the Real World
If I should find myself single (the path that my marriage is sadly barreling towards), I feel that I learned a lot of things to apply to my potential future dating self.
Let me preface the list by saying I realize many of these go against everything that we, as strong feminists, stand for. We are more than just our bodies and sex, blah blah blah. However, on the flip side, chemistry and humanity’s desire to procreate are important when meeting a potential mate. In other words, it doesn’t hurt to step up your bone-worthiness.
- My husband’s low libido wasn’t because of me. He has his own issues. I spent 2 decades thinking that I wasn’t fuckable and it sadly took a massive dent out of my self-esteem. I can repair that now.
- Outfits for online dating site pictures and first dates should have something that shows your body, regardless of your size and shape. Whether you’re wearing a V-neck top or body-clinging dress, men are just happy to see the female form regardless of your self-perceived flaws. Men really don’t give a shit when you’re showing them a female shape. Save the baggy shirt for another day. I now know that guys aren’t looking at my cellulite when I wear a short dress, which is a huge relief because my legs look like someone took a pencil and poked some Play-Doh.
- It doesn’t take much to get a man going (my husband excluded). Odds are your partner is open to taking your sex life to the next level. Even telling him that you’re not wearing any panties when you go out will get his engines revving (regardless if you’re actually wearing them or not). I now know that it’s okay to want to add some extra spice and it will most likely turn into a positive experience.
- It’s okay to want sex. You don’t have to rely on the guy to initiate and he won’t think less of you if you show early in a relationship that you want it and enjoy it. I used to rely on the “it’s go time” cues from previous lovers because I didn’t want them to think less of me by perceiving my general horniness for desperation.
- Your partner doesn’t care when or where you have sex. They’re not worried about cum getting on the couch or whether they’re cramped because you whispered you wanted sex in the car. There is no perfect time to initiate sex; distract your kids with Paw Patrol for ten minutes and pull him into the bedroom. They don’t need dim lights, clean sheets, or candles. They just want to experience you.
In the end, men just want a woman who wants to fuck them as much as they want to fuck her. Regardless of her appearance and the setting. Hopefully, I’ll have the courage to apply all these lessons regardless of where my sex life takes me.