What to Do When Your Marriage Is On Life Support
How to walk the fine line between hoping for a miracle and pulling the plug.
What happens when you wake up one morning and you realize that the heart of your marriage has stopped beating?
You do what any normal human being does: you perform CPR, you call 911, you rush it into the emergency room, begging the doctors to save it.
You sit over the hospital bed, clutching the hand that’s now unresponsive, tracing the lines of those hands that you memorized so long ago.
When your marriage has been on life support for so long that you’ve forgotten what it look like alive, when do you know it’s time to walk away?
Do you keep out holding out hope?
Do you keep wishing, praying that somehow that lifeless, shell of a heart will come back alive?
Or do you just finally pull the plug, grieve and move on?
Honestly, at 28, I never thought I’d be writing these words.
I never thought I’d be contemplating my marriage this way. I honestly never thought that I’d be even considering separation, much less divorce.
Things with my marriage have gotten messy, incredibly messy.
And the thing about it is the fact that I’ve quickly discovered I’m not alone, nor am I in a unique situation.
I reached out on Facebook to a group of women who have become a bedrock for me. They are supportive, encouraging, and the voices of truth I need in this time of struggle.
In the midst of this messiness, I’ve learned some really critical things about what to do when your marriage is on life support:
1. Recognize and identify ways that you aren’t alone.
This might be the darkest time of your life. I know, for me, this has felt like a yawning chasm of despair. I have never felt so alone.
One of the most critical things for me has been to realize that I’m not alone.
There are people around me who love me, who care about me, and who want to support me in this process, however it ends up.
That Facebook group that I’m a part of has been a huge part of that reminder that I’m not alone. So many women chimed in to remind me that my story isn’t unique, that to be 28 and have a marriage on the rocks isn’t something out of the ordinary. To have this reminder was everything I needed at the time.
Circle your wagons. Find your people. You’re going to need them.
2. Ask for help.
This might be one of the most helpful things someone suggested as I am in the midst of this.
This goes for both you and your partner/spouse (if they are willing — if they aren’t, then this is a whole different conversation).
If you find yourself with a marriage on life support, going to therapy might be one of the best first steps to take.
My husband and I will be starting marriage therapy in the next few weeks. We both recognize that our marriage is in peril. We both know that if things don’t change, we are going to both have to make some tough decisions for ourselves.
Reach out for help. Asking for help isn’t admitting failure.
3. Take care of yourself.
It’s easy to get caught up in the emotions. It’s easy to lose yourself in the fighting, in the exchange of words, in the tears. It’s easy to forget to focus inward.
Find ways for self-care.
Take a long, warm bath. Wrap yourself in a blanket and cry if you need it. Go for a long walk with the dog. Take a mental health day off from work and have the house to yourself.
Acknowledge the different emotions you’re feeling — don’t discredit them. There’s a lot going on right now!
In the midst of all of this, don’t forget to care for yourself, because at the end of the day, all you’ll have is who you see in the mirror.
4. Don’t rush into any decision.
Rome wasn’t built in a day. Unfortunately, however, Rome burned in a day.
One single spark can ignite and ravage so much of what once was beautiful.
One of the biggest things that keeps getting repeated to me over and over again throughout this process is the importance of not rushing to any decision.
Rash decisions are never the best decisions. There’s a reason that people say to “sleep on” any major decisions, financial or not.
You’ll have good days and you’ll have bad days with your partner. Don’t immediately jump to divorce on those bad days.
Don’t burn Rome in a day.
Acknowledge the emotions of the day, bring them up at your next therapy session or try to talk through them at a later day when you are both in a better head space.
Don’t discount the years that you put into building your relationship.
5. Breathe.
This one is tied directly into all of the above, but it also deserves it’s own bullet point. It’s easy to forget to breathe in the midst of all the fights, tears, hurt feelings, emotions, and overwhelming moments.
My friend, breathe. Just breathe.
Take a deep breath in, and take a deep breath out.
Allow yourself to focus on your breath and nothing else. Your breath is what carries you through each and every day. It’s your constant companion.
It, along with your heartbeat, are what sustain you.
Find ways to find gratitude for your breath and for your heartbeat in these moments of struggle and trial.
But at the end of the day, do what’s best for you.
If you’ve done all of the above, you’ve gone through therapy, and you still find yourself unhappy and know deep in your gut that separation and/or divorce is the next step that you should take, take that next step.
If you’ve done all of the above and you want to continue to fight for your marriage, do it. Fight tooth and nail. Know that it will probably get worse before it gets better. Know that it’ll get messy. Know that it will be worth it.
Know that the wagons you circled will be there and you will continue to need them.
Know that the help will still be there as you move through this next part of the journey.
Know that you need to continue to take care of yourself as you move through this process as it probably will get worse and more difficult before it gets better.
Know that you didn’t rush to this decision and that you made the decision with yourself in mind.
And know that your breath and heartbeat will continue to sustain you, every single day.
Beloved, you are loved as you moved through this next part of your journey, whatever it may be.
