When You Let Her Take The Sexual Lead
Some of the best times I’ve ever had in bed have been with two men. Sure, it’s fun to have the extra attention and the extra options that come with more hands, more mouths, and more penises. But even beyond that, when I’m with my husband and another guy, the traditional sexual expectations and dynamics are disrupted and that’s what makes space for all kinds of possibilities. This is in large part because when I’m with two men, I’m the one taking the lead.
I like to be with take-charge and confident people in sexual situations. Even the women I have sex with tend to have a lot of assertive energy. I love being held down or otherwise restrained as part of sex play, and it’s fun at times to be a body that’s being acted upon. My husband James has a move that always gets my engine revving where puts one arm under my head and grabs my wrist. My other hand is pinned between our two bodies. Then he uses his legs to grab one of mine and pull them apart. I am both close to him and completely at the mercy of whatever he wants to do with his free hand. It’s unbelievably sexy.
But there are also times when I like to be the instigator; where I want to feel that I am driving the narrative. Having sex with two people, and particularly with two men, allows that to happen naturally without me having to even say anything about it. James kind of half-jokingly refers to MFM (a woman and two men) as “goddess worship”, but it’s his way of acknowledging this change in the dynamics as well.
In a lot of porn, MFM is depicted as a woman basically servicing two guys at the same time. This is not what I’m talking about. When I’m with two men, I may well be pleasuring both of them at the same time but the power dynamics are still such that I am the lead actor in the scenario. I am not there for their pleasure. We are all there for each other and although the guys get to go after what they want in the interaction, I am the point person and they are taking a lot of their cues from me. If you are a man who has sex with women, you want this to happen. Trust me.
This way, the sex could happen as it would naturally without the pretense of ownership or long-term dating, love-formation, pair-bonding, or whatever you want to call it. It was just sex, accepted on all sides as sex, and when we do this, we accept the deeply intimate sexual sides of one another that we otherwise wouldn’t be exposed to.
Seeing the woman I love and have a commitment and strong bond with having sex with someone else, naturally, as she would irrespective of our relationship, is seeing a side of her that’s very real, one that monogamy closes off to partnered couples in the name of possession and a singular perspective.
Having sex with my husband and someone else disrupts all of the things that we were indoctrinated into as children about what relationships should be and how they should go. Having sex with my husband and another man accomplishes that in spades. It gives me the opportunity to access my full sexual self in a way that is sometimes challenging with just James, even though he is a thoughtful and exciting lover. This has more to do with societal programming than it has to do with him.
Women are subtly trained from an early age that their sexuality does not belong to them. It is there to intrigue and excite the men around them, and it is also there to serve the sexual needs of the man that they eventually partner with. This is the main reason that a woman with a lot of partners is called pejorative names, because she is using her sexuality for her own ends and not in the service of one man, as she supposedly should.
Even a woman with a caring partner who wants her to be fully sexually expressed may have a hard time helping her to break through this life-long programming, although it’s certainly worth trying to do so. Finding a way to see her natural sexual self that is irrespective of your relationship reveals a whole new level of woman, the kind of woman who is a lot of fun to be in bed with, even if she already was that way to start with. James and I already had a spicy love life, but it was only when we began adding in other people, particularly other men, that I truly found my most primal sexual self.
I think the best sex that a man will ever have with a woman, whether or not it’s just the two of them or others are involved, is when he slowly invites her to dig deep for parts of her sexuality that are often closed off. Women spend so much time fending off unwanted sexual interest that pursuing her like prey, pressuring her, or otherwise treating her like she owes you something closes off the doors to that primal aspect of hers. She needs to feel safe in order to let that part of herself out, and she needs to feel truly desired as well — not just that you are aroused, but that you are aroused by her in particular.
I cannot overstate how vital it is for a woman to feel respected and safe in order for her to feel truly sexually unleashed. Sure, you might get somewhere without that, but you’re going to be missing out on the kind of sexual experience that you could have had if you’d been less engaged in self-gratifying pursuit and had been more focused on making space for her wild side. You’ll both have much better sex if you invoke, tease, honor, and call to her sexual self than if you pounce it like a prize that has been promised to you.
Because women are not allowed by societal standards to be sexual beings full time in the way that men are, it’s not necessarily natural to them to feel in a sexy mood at the drop of a hat all the time, ready to put aside thoughts of work and their other responsibilities to focus on sex. But female sexuality is highly responsive. Set the mood, entice her in, give her time to shift gears from the other things that she’s been thinking about, make her feel desirable, touch her erogenous zones, starting with the ones that aren’t on her genitals, and chances are pretty soon you’re going to have yourself a whole new woman.
Helping her shift gears to think about sex is vital, but one of the main things that kills female libido is over-familiarization. That’s another reason that mixing it up, can really rekindle her spark. Routine, rote, sex is most likely going to eventually send her into a state where neither of you thinks she’s even all that interested in sex anymore. But chances are, that wild woman who wants to howl at the moon is just buried under the crush of the same old, same old. This doesn’t have to mean adding in other people, but it could. Just letting her really take the lead sometimes might be enough.
In many of the old religions, the way to receive blessing and healing from the Goddess was through sexual congress with one of her priestesses who would embody the Goddess for you. Then Christianity came along and declared that women were distressingly carnal and unrestrainedly sexual and that men should guard against their lustful ways — probably due in large part to the sacred sexual practices of many of the religions that came before, which needed to be thoroughly repudiated in order to be stamped out. It is only in the last couple of hundred years that women have been viewed as less sexual than men because it suited cultural narratives about what was demure, and appropriate for women.
Victorians like Charles Darwin saw female sexuality as reticent and choosy because that fell in line with how they believed women should behave. The fact that the vibrator was invented during the Victorian era ought to tell you about what women truly were experiencing as a result of those kinds of mores — a lot of sexual frustration. Women with cases of “hysteria” began visiting their doctors to have manual pelvic and clitoral stimulation, and doctor’s hands were getting so tired from doing that all day that a large steam-powered machine was invented to give the doctor a break. In 1902 an electric version came along — the vibrator was the fifth domestic electric appliance to be invented.
Female sexuality is still obscured by a lot of disempowering stories, even within existing relationships. Many women worry about being judged or otherwise stigmatized for their sexual desires, and although women sometimes do this to each other as well, no matter where it comes from, the root is the patriarchal paradigm where female sexuality only exists for the pleasure of men.
When you find ways to dismantle that and encourage a woman to plumb the depths of her natural desires without feeling censored or shamed, you may well discover a sexual being, instead of just a woman who is willing to let you have sex with her. That’s the woman that you want to go to bed with because she is a lot more adventurous and a lot more exciting than a woman who has let her sexuality get too buttoned-down by cultural programming.
She may well enjoy being sexually submissive at times or love the comfort of your strong arms around her, but that doesn’t always mean that there isn’t another side of her that you’d both benefit from exploring. She may not even realize that she has this side, although I think that many women do suspect it’s there. I believe that the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey was a collective longing by women to experience something sexually edgy and beyond their everyday experience, even if it was just vicariously. Not every fantasy has to be something that you’d actually want to do, but I think many women want more sexually than they typically have access to. So do many men.
When men deprogram themselves from their societal messaging about how they are supposed to act in bed and help the women they are having sex with to deprogram as well, the possibilities for really great sex go up exponentially. When she gets to take the sexual lead, with or without other partners present, you both get access to a more primal woman, and that is something that will bring greater pleasure to you both.
© Copyright, Elle Beau 2020
Elle Beau writes on Medium about sex, life, relationships, society, anthropology, spirituality, and love. If this story appears anywhere but Medium.com it has been stolen.