When’s the best time to talk about sex?
Sex is one of the most difficult topics for people to talk about in relationships.
Is there a “right” time?
People often wait for the “right time” to talk about sex or share something they need related to sex. This can go on forever, as you’ve probably experienced. There truly isn’t a “right time.” Waiting just means that you’re risking a build-up of frustration or even anger.
People will wait to bring up concerns and/or different ideas around sex for fear of hurting their partner. They’ll wait and hope their partner will get a hint or read their mind. Over time, this can build into resentment. Rather than bringing it up calmly early on, it may get tossed out in exasperation, which isn’t really fair since your partner hasn’t known it even existed until now.
I call this “coming out sideways.” We spend so much energy holding onto something due to fear of bringing it up, it builds up, and ultimately feels like it explodes out of us.
When we wait to bring things up much later than we originally realize them as an issue or a difference, it risks becoming a compound issue. Instead of it being just one thing to talk about, it may wind up being five things, plus the fact that you waited and hinted to no avail. Ultimately lack of communication needs to be another topic of discussion as well. So much!
Common rules
People often provide the following types of guidelines for talking about sex:
Have your clothes on.
Don’t talk about problems with sex during sex.
Don’t expect sex after the discussion (though it may happen because talking about sex is a turn-on).
Don’t criticize the sex you just had during pillow talk.
I have said all of these before too, but after working with couples and individuals for nearly 20 years, I have realized that the more limitations we put on ourselves, the harder it is to talk about sex…and talking about sex is hard enough.
Any time is truly better than never, which is when most people end up bringing up the topic of sex. The best time is…NOW.
Just bring it up…as kindly as possible.
If you have your clothes off, so be it. If you want to make a point about something related to the sex you just had, go for it. Just be as kind as possible. Consciously take note that sex is a tender subject. Any feedback can be difficult to hear about such an intimate topic.
Also, try to be constructive with any criticism you may have to help you and your partner work toward a solution together; you’re not just complaining.
If you’re less than kind or not as constructive as you would have wanted, that’s okay too. Talk about this with your partner as well. Own the fact that it didn’t come out as you would have wanted and continue to work toward a solution together.
Realize that there is not a script for this kind of conversation. Most of us were not taught how to effectively communicate about sex and you most likely didn’t even have any good role models for having these kinds of talks.
Sandwich method of communication
You might also consider using the sandwich method of communication. This is when you wrap your feedback in praise and appreciation. You will start with offering one appreciation, such as “I really enjoy having intimate time with you” (Bread). Then you will bring up your criticism or feedback (the peanut butter/jelly). Lastly, you’ll provide more appreciation or praise, such as “I am so glad we’re able to talk about this in a calm manner. Thank you for hearing me out” (Bread).
Additionally, you may wish to adopt one other communication skill: Using “I” Statements. Rather than saying “YOU don’t do this right,” a partner will hear it much differently if you were to say, “I like it better when you…” or “I find it difficult when we…” Practicing with “I” statements can really improve relationships in general because they are difficult to argue with and much easier to hear without getting defensive.
Socialized to react poorly around sex
Recognize that we live in a sex-negative culture and are socialized to respond negatively to sex as a whole. Initial reactions may not be the best. Know this going in. As things calm down and find way to have more effective communication as a partnership, you may give and receive a better or healthier response.
This is a process. Together, you can cultivate healthy and effective ways of talking about this sometimes challenging topic. The only way to get there is to start putting it out there. As a bonus, once the subject is out there, it’s easier to return to it again and again.
Kimberly Atwood is a licensed psychotherapist and certified sex therapist in private practice in Princeton, NJ. She is offering a 5-week online Women’s Sexual Empowerment group with new group offerings each month. This group is a supportive and educational group for women who want to take charge of their sexual energy, build confidence, and explore pleasure.
