Why I Say Yes to Sex When I’m Not “In the Mood”
What my D/s dynamic taught me about staying in touch with my sexuality
You know those soft serve cones you can get at Dairy Queen that have the hard chocolate shell? The kind where once you break through it, it’s sweet, pliable, lickable ice cream? Sometimes I feel like one of those cones. You’re probably not surprised to hear that I’m not always in the mood for sex- who is?Over the past few years, however, I’ve realized that 99% of the time, all I have to do to get in the mood is break through that outer shell.
I’m thankful for so many things about my exploration of BDSM, and one of the best is all of the things it’s allowed me to learn about myself. Before my divorce, I didn’t really have a relationship with my sexuality. In the last five years of my marriage, we only had sex a handful of times. We were only 19 and both virgins when we met and remained largely naive about what it might mean to explore sex in non-vanilla ways.
Now that I’ve had the opportunity to come into my own as an adult and a woman, I’ve embraced my sexuality wholeheartedly.
Now that I’ve had the opportunity to come into my own as an adult and a woman, I’ve embraced my sexuality wholeheartedly. I’ve explored in ways that have let me learn what I like, what I don’t like, and realize that sexual connection is extremely important to me. I also suffer from anxiety, depression, and have a past with significant relationship trauma. Because of this, my sexual self sometimes develops a shell that needs breaking. I’ve discovered that saying yes to sex even when I’m not “in the mood” is the key to breaking through that shell.
It All Started With Submission
My boyfriend and I have a 24/7 D/s relationship. What does this mean? It means that we have blanket agreements in place about how we interact with each other, especially in the bedroom.
One of these agreements is that I’ve given consent for him to have sex with me, whenever he chooses. To some, this may be shocking, or sound like he’s getting the better end of the deal. Yes, this means that sometimes, I have sex when I’m not in mental space to initiate it myself. Sometimes I’m tired, or my mind is elsewhere. Sometimes I just don’t feel like it.
I’ve given consent for him to have sex with me, whenever he chooses.
What our arrangement has allowed me to discover is that there’s a difference between not being in the mood to initiate sex and not being in the mood to have sex. It’s kind of like when you haven’t eaten in a while and nothing sounds good, but then once you start cooking it suddenly smells delicious and has you salivating.
It works partially because he’s really good at reading me. He can tell if something isn’t right with me, and he will stop and check in. If something really doesn’t feel right for some reason, or I move from feeling ambivalent about what we’re doing to actively disliking or not wanting it, I am free to say so and we talk and figure out what I need instead. That’s only happened a handful of times in our 5 years together.
It’s Still a Choice
Let me be clear: this is totally consensual. It’s not that I’m doing something I don’t want to do. It’s more that there are times when my mind is somewhere else, whether it be stuck in worry or anxiety, thinking about the grocery list, or wondering whether the kids will be good today. My energy gets scattered and caught up in thinking about all the things I need to get done or what’s going on in the world, and I forget that it’s also important to think about myself and my connection with my partner.
I choose to continue engaging in sexy-time when I’m not sure I’m in the mood because 99% of the time, the mood comes to me.
I choose to continue engaging in sexy-time when I’m not sure I’m in the mood because 99% of the time, the mood comes to me within a few minutes. My body wakes up, and I remember that this is a part of me I need to pay attention to. Then, the world around me melts away and all that’s left is me, and him, and the spark between us.
The action of his initiating sex with me when I am not ‘in the mood’ or expecting it also feeds into our power exchange dynamic. It reinvigorates our connection as Dominant and submissive, which means it feeds a connection that really does it for both of us. Like any healthy D/s relationship, the power lies with me- I have given my consent and could withdraw it if I chose. I love this part of our relationship because of the freedom it gives me to hand the reigns over to my partner.
The Benefits are Clear
Recently, I’ve been very anxious and experiencing a period of depression more intense than I have in multiple years. I am a bit aimless, and experience a lot of days where I don’t really feel like doing anything, sex included. But, things still have to get done, and allowing my physical connection with my partner to go unattended isn’t doing either of us any favors.
It’s really hard to have a bad day when I get woken up with what I like to call “sex alarm clock.”
In my case, the benefits of this particular choice in the bedroom are clear. I absolutely always feel invigorated and mentally better after reconnecting with my partner through sex. Even if it’s just a quickie, the re-establishment of our physical connection means we will be more affectionate and better able to relate to and support each other throughout the day. It’s really hard to have a bad day when I get woken up with what I like to call “sex alarm clock” as my partner pulls the blanket off me and slides inside.
This arrangement works for us because of these benefits. It makes me feel like my partner is taking care of me, and reminds me that even when quarantine has us running to separate corners of the house, there’s a reason we’re in this together. My boyfriend knows when I need to relax, when I’m anxious, when I need to be overwhelmed and cry. He knows that even though sex is a hugely important part of our relationship, I’m just not always able to say so.
Sometimes the lessons we learn about ourselves are things we’d never expect. Having an open mind to re-evaluate our notions about what sex is and isn’t, how it should happen and when, allows us to discover new things that work, even decades in to our sexual journeys.
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