Why I’m Paying People to Dominate Me Remotely
Before lockdown, I was happy in my BDSM-based relaxation routine — now I’m having to find innovative ways to satisfy my kinky cravings
I’m a great believer in the healing power of BDSM, at least for myself. From the first time I tried it, 10 years ago, I knew I’d found something that was going to be a big part of my life.
That fateful night is still crystal clear to me — I remember my nerves when I entered the fetish club, my awe at the amazing latex outfits, and my relief to find that patrons were welcoming to newcomers. Most of all I remember the sheer, unexpected bliss that came over me when I was flogged for the first time. My busy brain calmed, my worries paused, the world stopped. In that moment I didn’t have to be on top of things, look after anyone, earn, save, plan, organize. The weight of human responsibility was temporarily lifted, in this moment of release.
Others achieve this feeling through exercise, or meditation, or even by sleeping well. My path to calm, it seems, is ropes, whips and canes. And I don’t feel the need to dissect the reasons for this. I’m confident in my independence and agency, and BDSM is a stress reliever and an endorphin rush that I appreciate.
Over the past decade, I’ve experimented with BDSM in various relationships. I found, however, that whenever the sub/dom dynamic extended beyond the confines of the bedroom or scene, I resented my loss of agency and often ended the relationship. For me, BDSM has its own time and place, so I wondered what it’d be like to engage in a personalized, private BDSM scene that was centered on my needs. So, I went to a professional.
My first paid-for BDSM experience was a game-changer. For the first time, I could dictate exactly how I wanted to be treated, without worrying about shocking my partner or unknowingly encouraging them to do something they weren’t into. Although I knew this pro-socially, once in their studio it was a different interaction — a service provider and a customer given the reins to design their experience. I was able to safely go further, harder, try new things, leading to even greater release and serenity than I’d ever achieved before. The effects started lasting longer — I was calmer, cooler, more able to deal with life in general. I realized that yes, the effect was like a massage, or a run, or some really great sex, but in a very real way, it was also like therapy — delivered physically but providing a real mental lift.
So there I was. I’d settled into a healthy BDSM routine. Once a month, when things were stressful, or work piled up, or if I just felt like it, I’d visit a professional dominant and have my worries beaten away. My current partner understood that this was me taking time for myself, so it wasn’t a problem.
Then lockdown happened, impacting every part of our routine, and prohibiting in-person interactions. Just at the most stressful, intense time of our lives, one of the things that calms me most was taken away. I immediately started exploring digital alternatives. I couldn’t feel the impact anymore, but maybe I could recreate the feeling of domination.
I’ll be honest, a lot of things simply don’t work through video. I’ve tried video chats, asking pro dominants to give me orders, but it just felt silly on Skype. The atmosphere wasn’t there, and I felt self-conscious. What did work, however, was commissioning pre-recorded videos. Like our typical sessions, I could ask for a defined set of actions — spanking, flogging, orders, and the person could create a video enacting those things — bringing the hand down to hit a table to imply spanking, flogging next to the camera, talking through a practiced script with just the right tone. The fact that it’s pre-recorded means there’s no chance either one of us will suddenly realize the silliness of it and break the fantasy by laughing.
I’ve also started focusing on certain aspects of BDSM that I wouldn’t have before. For one video I asked the person to lay out their equipment, focusing solely on their hands, to recreate the feeling of anticipation. In another, I asked for audio detailing every moment of a spanking scene.
It’s not ideal, but it’s an effective alternative, and I’m excited to keep trying new things and working with professionals. Following my audio story, one dominant has since created more stories for other clients, so there’s a market for it. As this new digital world develops, it’ll be interesting to see how the BDSM and wider sex scene adapts and innovates. I can only imagine what we’ll come up with.