Don’t we all just love raw, untamed, animalistic lust, unleashed; to be held down, rendered breathless, yet panting all at once? To be taken, with such passion, it almost looks violent. They must have you! Right now! There is NO holding back!
Few things are hotter than unbridled desire; being wanted so badly by your lover that they simply can’t constrain themselves.
There is one thing though… namely bridled desire or self-restraint: To be wanted so badly by your lover they can barely constrain themselves, but, they choose to anyway; not letting any of you have it. Not yet, at least…
Why? Well, let me tell you…
Before I started exploring BDSM a few years back, I’d never encountered a man who possessed the true power of self-restraint. No one had really held back but always went for it—the very moment the window of opportunity opened. I never really understood why, when sex was something most seemed to covet, were we in such a rush to get it over with?
I’ve since highlighted and written about many things that anyone, kinky or not, can learn from the so-called deviants: Clear, in-depth communication, pre-negotiation, and aftercare are BDSM-staples that are beneficial for all, both in and out of the bedroom. Moving further, self-control and delayed gratification, are common elements from the scene that can take most sexual activities from great to ahh-maa-ZING!
Until I met my first experienced dominant partner, I can’t recall a time when sex lasted much longer than about an hour. There’s only so much you can do right? Wrong! My lover from the BDSM world turned all of that around when he showed me that it’s more than possible to keep a scene going for hours to an end. Since then I’ve had many a session last the better part of a day (or night), and anything under an hour is basically now a quicky.
Sure, there’s no need to overdo it or turn sex into a marathon, at least not every time, but these dragged out ordeals that allow tension and anticipation to grow, and grow—and grow (!)—are definitely my favorite ways to get it on…
Common for these scenarios is that my partner will delay gratification (for themselves) for as long as possible and will generally not have an orgasm until the grand finalé. Usually, penetration is held off for the longest time too—the exception being if they’re capable of multiple orgasms and have a fairly short refractory period—but, in general, his big-O is saved for the bitter (but, oh-so-sweet) end.
Delayed gratification is the process of resisting temptation, or immediate reward, in preference for a later and often greater reward.
Greater reward is the key term here! The person who deliberately waits does this, knowing that the ultimate reward will be far better, for all parts, than an immediate one. For a lover who’s mastered the art of delaying gratification, this isn’t just true in the short term. In my experience, someone with these skills will keep their partner(s) coming back for more, again and again, and thus the reward multiplies manifold.
It intensifies orgasms
Those familiar with edging will know that getting close to climax, repeatedly and over a period of time before you finally cum, will elevate your average orgasm from a big sneeze to a petit mort, (a small death), as the French call it. But, there’s a lot more to it than this:
Self-control is sexy—and it speaks volumes of your character
“A growing body of literature has linked the ability to delay gratification to a host of other positive outcomes, including academic success, physical health, psychological health, and social competence,” says the Wikipedia entry on the topic.
A Stanford study from 1972, famously called the marshmallow experiment, tested a classroom of four-year-olds who were given a marshmallow and told that if they were able to resist it for fifteen minutes they would be rewarded with an extra one. When re-evaluated as teenagers and adults, the ones who were able to hold out for the greater reward demonstrated an array of advantaged over their peers, from better academic performances, a better sense of self, stronger coping mechanisms, and increased maturity. They were also less likely to struggle with addiction and other self-destructive behaviors.
It seems that a person with the ability to delay gratification often possesses other similar skills such as patience, impulse control, and willpower. These are all signs of adaptability and mental maturity — and, they’re traits that are immensely sexy if you ask me.
And again, being deeply tuned in and connected to our primal, instinctual urges is hot as hell. Being connected, yet able to keep these under control using the power of our minds; even hotter! Getting there might take some training, but I assure you that it will be worth the effort.
It turns (expected) gender roles on their heads
I refer to men in the title of this article, and while this approach isn’t gender-specific per se, there are reasons why I believe this is something male (or male-identifying) persons should seriously consider with their female counterparts.
Stereotypically, the male partner pushes ahead while the female holds back. This happens for reasons that are both cultural—due to patriarchy and purity culture—and physiological—which I’ll get to later. I’m be generalizing a tad here, but, he’s basically ready to go right off the bat and can barely wait to get on with it; to stick it in, jackhammer it out for however long he can last before he’ll blast off and roll over. Done! She, on the other hand, traditionally needs time to warm up to get properly aroused.
A quick google-search for foreplay confirms this by producing a plethora of results directed at teaching men the importance of foreplay, or at women with the angle of “how to get him to be better at foreplay”.
There’s something incredibly sexy about a man who defies this age-old stereotype; who doesn’t go straight for the kill but takes his time to circle his prey. Instead, he tantalizes and teases until the moment is just right. This guy is focused, determined, and in control—of himself above all.
With roles reversed, the female partner gets to be the one pushing for more; she yearns, pleads, or even begs for fulfillment (…) rather than being made to play the stale role of gatekeeper; the one sitting on the breaks, giving in, inch by inch until she finally lets him in. [Yawn…]
It can open up for some kinky role-play
A continuation from the point above; for those who fancy a dash of humiliation, this flipping of the expected script can be a major turn-on in itself. Personally, I go wild when a partner (playfully) mocks me for being an impatient, greedy little slut; when they turn me down and push my hand away when I try to touch them: “Hands off! Patience… Wait for it!” The thought alone revs my engines immediately.
A small warning is in order here: Not everyone’s into derogatory terms in bed and we all have different limits, so this is something to discuss before you run the risk of verbally assaulting your lover. Whether someone’s into being a cock-hungry harlot, a horny goddess, or perhaps a dirty little girl, matters less than the fact that this is an excellent opportunity to step into an empowering new role—whatever that may be for you and your partner.
It gives time and space to focus on her pleasure
Until the infamous orgasm gap has been filled with the sweet cum-juices of the 35% of straight women who rarely or never orgasm during sex, I will not listen to any whining about how this is not fair!
The majority of straight sexual encounters finish with intercourse—regardless of whether she does or not. That’s what’s not fair. If we move straight to it we hugely diminish her chances of having an orgasm. Besides, most people with vulvas are multi-orgasmic, meaning they can cum multiple times in a short amount of time, and without it meaning that sex is over—which is very often the case for the penis-owning part of the population.
If you haven’t explored the multi-orgasmic potential of your femme-partner yet, it’s time to get on it. If you’ve never had her convulse in at least a few otherworldly orgasms while your pants were still on, you’ve got a new thing to add to your sexual bucket list.
Giving her the time and space to enjoy receiving pleasure, unhurriedly and without pressure to reciprocate immediately, is often what many women need in order to tap into our full orgasmic abilities with a partner. And for you, learning to find as much (or even more) joy in her pleasure as you do in your own will enhance sex for both of you, I promise!
It might make you irresistible to her
Mastering the fine art of sexual self-restraint might simply make you the hottest lover she’s ever had. I kid you not!
Sex starts in the head and thus it’s the ability to build erotic tension—not a set of bulging pecs—that will make her squirm for your touch.
Anyone can be the wham, bam, thank you, ma’am kinda lover; the one who moves fast and reaches for the tube to lube her up before she’s had a chance to warm up. Not everyone, on the contrary, understands how to be the one who makes her flush and swell, slick with lust, basically begging you to enter.
I bet you want to be the latter. Well, then, you’ll want to learn to hold back a bit.
We live in times of instant gratification and everything-on-demand. Like fast food, a quicky might satisfy us momentarily, but in the long run, they often lack substance. Sure, variety is the spice of life, and, there’s a time and a place for fast fucks too. Still, the best things are to be savored and must therefore be given sufficient space and time.
A Norwegian proverb says that “the one who waits for something good never waits in vain” and, in our fast-focused culture, this way of thinking deserves more room—especially in the bedroom.
If you make yourself wait—make both of you wait—I’m telling you that you won’t be waiting in vain. Because, when it comes to sex, if you can hold off on that first marshmallow (or three) you won’t just be getting one extra, but all the goddamn marshmallows you can eat!