Why You Shouldn’t Care How Much Sexual Desire Is Normal
The answer you didn’t know you needed to hear.
Everyone wants to know if they’re normal. As a sex a therapist, I’m constantly being asked by clients, random strangers and my friend´s mum — just how much sexual desire is normal.
Everyone wants to know the answer. Perhaps their libido is too strong? Too weak? Inconsistent or out of control?
They want to know if they engage in sex often enough and if the way their desires manifest themselves is weird or ok.
In the words of Goldilocks, it all comes down to wanting to hear you’re “just right”.
And who can blame you? Sexuality is perhaps, in many ways, the final frontier.
In my private practice, it’s become abundantly clear that sex and sexuality are still shrouded in mist. The sheer number of prejudices and misconceptions we are subjected to on a daily level, affect us deeply.
From the porn we consume to the religious ideals and the romance novels of the ‘80’s — ideas surrounding libido and how it should work make a lot of us feel insecure. And I’m here to tell you — the ideas are wrong.
How Often People Have Sex
Every so often, a new study is released surveying how many people, usually those in long-term relationships, do the deed. This is one-way science balances the sexual ideals (or at least tries to), with real, hard facts.
The results of these studies are always roughly the same — couples tend to have sex about once or twice a week.
These outcomes, however, don’t tell you how much sexual desire is normal.
They really only tell you how often people have sex — not how often they feel like having it.
Engaging in sex can, paradoxically, have very little to do with our libido at all.
In fact, according to several studies on the subject, there are as many as 237 different reasons people have a little rumpy-pumpy. Some do it to relieve stress, to keep their relationship going or to get revenge on a partner for having cheated on them. Others do it because they want confirmation that only the special intimacy of sex can afford them.
In essence, we engage in sex for all kinds of reasons — only one of them being horniness.
And when it comes to self-reporting the frequency of sex in our relationships — it’s probably fair to assume that at least a few of the respondents aren’t, in fact, telling the truth.
We all want our love lives to be deemed healthy — and sex is often seen as a sign of a healthy relationship. Even when participating in a study anonymously, the norms that govern our sexuality may, subconsciously, affect the outcome.
What Sexual Desire Is And Is Not
To answer the question of how much sexual desire is normal we also need to understand what sexual desire, in fact, is — and isn’t.
It’s often seen as this biological urge that kicks into gear, suddenly. Perhaps you’re folding the laundry or doing the dishes and for no apparent reason at all — you feel like having a bit of sex.
For a lot of us, this is especially experienced at the beginning of relationships, when it’s all sex and talking and making out and romantic dinners.
However, for others, especially those who identify as women, libido isn’t always a spontaneous yearning — rather, it’s a responsive feeling.
It’s a reaction to already being sexually aroused — lubricating or getting an erection. Responsive desire is the answer to the question why you might need to start having sex — to actually feel like having it.
It’s the brain saying “why yes, don’t mind if I do, thanks”, when it notices your body’s arousal response.
What This All Means
As an expert in the field of sexual desire, studies on sexual frequency are seen as important, even if they might not reflect reality completely. After all — sexual dysfunctions, such as low libido, are based on there being a perceived normal libido.
Without the norm — there can be no abnormal.
And for treatment options to exist for those whose desire has disappeared, we need to know what’s abnormal.
This is where it becomes really tricky.
Part of what makes up a low sexual desire diagnosis is that the lack leads to suffering. And suffering due to low libido, is in part, caused by the norms and ideals around sexuality — which are also created by these studies and what they lead us to believe is “right”.
To make this even more complicated — our ideas of normal and abnormal libido aren’t only based on studies about sexual frequency. They’re also based on the myth that sexual desire always comes before sexual arousal. That libido is a spontaneous feeling.
But if libido is also responsive in nature — how can we even begin to measure how often it’s normal to fantasize about sex, feel the urge to masturbate or do the dirty with someone?
Differing libido styles definitely make this a challenge.
What Actually Matters
Everyone wants to know how much sexual desire is normal. But the fact of the matter is — you shouldn’t care what the norm is for others — the only norm that actually matters is your own.
If you feel like your appetite for sex has vanished or decreased, you never or less often feel attracted to your partner, or you feel little desire to engage in masturbation — ask yourself this:
- Do the changes make you unhappy?
- If yes — how come?
For example: because my partner wants to have sex more often, or because sex is an important part of my life and I miss it, or because everyone else seems to want sex more than I do. - If you were to wake up tomorrow with a regained libido — how would that make you feel?
For example: I would feel more “normal”, I would feel excited about the prospects of sex, I would feel like myself again.
If most of your answers are about others or how society views sex and sexual desire — you might not actually be suffering because of your low libido per say.
This, however, doesn’t mean your suffering should be disregarded.
After having met client upon client with libido issues, I know how disheartening low libido can be.
How it can hurt not only you but your relationship.
There are ways of increasing your libido — one of them is seeking help from a professional. But in the meantime, please know this: you are normal, even if you want to have sex once every five years or once every five minutes. How much sexual desire is normal by society’s measures, doesn’t matter.
Leigh Norén is a sex therapist and writer. Her writing on low libido, communication and intimacy has been featured in YourTango, Babe, The Tab, Glamour, and more. Learn more about Leigh on her website.
Originally published at https://www.therapybyleigh.com on January 26, 2020.
