Women, Dating, Sex & Weight Loss
Women might experience dating and sex differently after losing weight.
In the United States, there were an estimated 252,000 weight loss surgeries performed in 2018, according to the American Society for Metabolic and Bariatric Surgeries. Significant weight loss, either by surgical means or other methods, bring about a lot of change for people. This is especially true for women when it comes to sex, intimacy, body image, and dating.
Unfortunately, people rarely talk about these areas of change. Most professionals will talk about routine nutrition and exercise, but they often avoid anything related to sex and emotions.
When should I start dating?
When you feel ready enough. This means you probably won’t feel super ready; there’s no perfect time. You’re simply going to feel ready…enough. Most mental health professionals will recommend waiting for a year after weight loss surgery or losing a significant amount of weight to start dating again. However, it is a very personal decision and ready enough seems like the best way to put it.
When you do start dating, it’s important to have a support network in place already. Friends you can count on to help you navigate and discuss. Also, you may seek professional help or friends to help increase your self-awareness. Go over your history with dating and intimacy. Have a basic understanding around your relationship to weight/weight loss, food/eating. How might this weight loss impact intimacy, body image, sex for you now?
Note that your past experiences influence your present-day experience — that’s just the truth. It doesn’t mean you are destined to repeat anything, you’re simply impacted by your past — meaning your childhood, teens, and dating experiences from the past.
Dating and emotions
You can expect emotions to run high during the early stages of dating. Did you have difficult experiences with dating in the past? Do you have a history of sexual trauma from childhood or dating? How did your body image impact sex and/or dating for you in the past? These parts of your history don’t just vanish. They will remain in existence for you until you work through them.
Dating may indeed be a healing experience for you too. You could heal through the partnership of others, as many of us do, as human beings. Even with a healthy and healing experience, you might still have your emotions turned around for a bit. It’s different for everyone. For some, it could be a breeze to start dating. While for others, it can create an emotional upheaval.
Going on dates
Know that you can and probably want to be selective when dating. Just because someone is attracted to you, does not mean you have to go out with them or give them a chance. There will be many people who are interested in you. You can be selective and get a sense of who they are and if they’re a safe person with whom to begin your new dating experience.
Take time to get more in touch with your intuition. You may already have a great intuitive connection and just have to listen to it. However, many women become people-pleasers instead and override their sense of intuitive knowing. Try to do less people-pleasing and more YOU-pleasing, especially early on in dating.
In our society, women are socialized to defer to men. Know this fact as you get out there. Do your best to make your own decisions, respect your body, and go at your own pace. Notice if you’re deferring to men or if you’re making your own choices when dating. You may choose to bounce things around with the trusted members of your support system.
Be careful with alcohol.
You may want to consider making the first few dates without food to start. You could start off with coffee/tea or drinks or just a walk /talk.
If you go out for a drink. Know your limits before you go. This is especially true after going through weight loss surgery because your ability to process alcohol is likely completely different now. You might want to try drinking alcohol at home, then out with close a friend(s) first and learn your new limits.
When do I tell my date?
Whether or not you tell your date about your weight loss is totally up to you and you alone. You get to decide. You do not have to disclose this information until you’re ready. You may choose to disclose this information about yourself right away. As you get started, you might want to experiment with the timing to determine what feels best to you. It may also be on a case by case basis.
If you’ve had weight loss surgery and need to engage in different eating habits, you may want to inform a new partner a bit sooner. However, understand that this is not a secret; it is personal and private. A new partner has to earn the right to know your personal information and you need to be able to trust them enough to be vulnerable with them.
There’s a big difference between a secret and privacy. There’s no shame in having gone through weight loss surgery or weight loss in general, so share this information whenever you feel ready (enough). It may never feel like a great time.
I agree with Dan Savage’s “sorting hat” theory (from the sorting hat in Harry Potter books):
You tell someone one thing about yourself, and their reaction tells you everything you need to know about them.
Sex and impulsivity
Be aware that you may have an increased impulsivity around sex. You may find that having increased attention your body stimulating. This may increase your desire and tap into your pleasure center.
At times food/eating may have been used as a coping mechanism for stressors in your life. When that coping tool is removed, it is fair to consider it being replaced by other tools, like sex. This is just a possibility and something to be aware.
Sex and anxiety
Alternatively, you may experience increased anxiety around sexuality. You may struggle with the newfound attention and objectification of your body. Sex may not have been as much of a desire in your life before because you were less connected to your body.
With weight loss, you may find yourself more connected to your body and experiencing desires, arousal, and sensuality in a way you didn’t before. This may create fear or sometimes even disgust for some people. Sex is such a taboo subject and people often grow up believing sex is gross, dirty, wrong/bad because no one talks about it and shares things openly.
Know that this is a common response to changes in the mind and body post-weight loss. The opposite could very well be true as well. You may have felt more in your body prior to a significant weight loss, so getting into your body for pleasure after weight loss may be different. It may prove elusive at first. Either way, you may wish to talk to a friend or even seek professional support. I would recommend a sex therapist in order to freely speak about your struggles, concerns, anxieties, or compulsions around sex.
Sex and physical changes
Pelvic floor muscles may change with rapid weight loss. There may be a tightening or loosening of the muscles of the pelvic floor, which may lead to discomfort and pain during intercourse. You may want to see a pelvic floor physical therapist, and you can find out more about painful sex in one of my previous articles.
Sexual body image
With significant changes to your body, you may find that your body image changes…or not. You may struggle for a period with continuing to see your heavier body image in the mirror, rather than the state of your current body. This is because your body image comes from your mind, not your body or your eyes. It’s not exactly objective.
You know how sometimes you have a “fat” days and “skinny” days? This is because the image comes from your mind, influenced by hormones. It’s not typically because we’re actually different in appearance or weight from one day to the next. It’s important to recognize these as body distortions and not objective truth.
Help with body image
Since body image isn’t objective, know that you might see your body differently moment to moment. It’s almost purely subjective. Do your best to speak to yourself in a kind way when you catch a glimpse of yourself.
Take your entire body into account when viewing yourself in the mirror or in that store window as you walk by. Do your best not to nit-pick your body apart and criticize specific areas — like “I hate my stomach” or “look at those flabby arms.” This is a recipe for disaster. When you notice yourself doing this, take a deep breath and look at your body as a whole and give yourself a compliment. Make sure the compliment is the truth and be as kind as you can be honestly with yourself.
Dress for success
Find sexy outfits for intimate times that help you feel sexy. Remember, you don’t have to be nude for “sexy time” and can wear as much or as little as you need to make yourself feel as comfortable as possible. It can be as simple as a gorgeous camisole with material that feels really nice, or a bra that makes you feel stunning.
One sexy tip is to get a professional bra fitting. It can make all the difference with regard to proper fit, support, comfort and overall appearance. You may think you’re larger than you are and someone with objective measures can help you realize that you’re truly a different size.
If you have loose skin, please know that no one cares about it as much as you do. Embrace it as much as possible. Dress for your current body shape and in a way that makes you feel good (and sexy).
Seek support
Remember, we all need support sometimes. This may mean talking to others about your experiences. It could take the form of a support group and/or friends or a therapist/counselor. You do not have to do this alone.
Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist and sex therapist specializing in sexual wellness and intimacy in private practice in Princeton, NJ. She is offering a 5-week online Women’s Sexual Wellness group starting August 30, 2022. This group is a supportive and educational group for women who want to take charge of their sexual energy, build confidence, increase mindfulness, and explore pleasure.
