You met on Tinder — awesome sauce. You had a few coffees and then you fucked.
And then you fucked a few more times and it’s been pretty fucking good. You’re feeling something for him and he’s feeling something for you, no doubt about it.
But his profile is still up.
How do you know? Because your account is still active, and you know what, you still have a couple of unfinished text conversations that have been going on for a few months with about…oh, fifteen guys.
Yeah, you’re not so innocent.
But really, if you want him to take his profile down, girl, what do you have to do?
1. Take down your profile too.
I didn’t say first. But it might be a good strategy, eh, to go into that conversation with a clean conscience. Don’t let him get distracted. The point of this conversation is you would like to try “exclusive” for a while. So why not take the damn thing down? You can always put it back up if the conversation backfires.
2. End the text conversations with those fifteen guys.
I’m not saying block them. Just forget them. If they text you, simply copy and paste this response. “Nice to hear from you. Met someone. Sorry.”
What if he’s still having those endless text romances with his fifteen finest?
Ask him to end those too. You can even copy and paste the above text and send it to him. My treat. You're welcome.
“But wait,” you say. “Some of those guys were like really connected and it might have been good networking and led to a job or…”
No, the only job it was leading to was a blow job and you know it. Networking is something that is done at serious events like conferences and business meetings — not Tinder. So don’t worry about ruining your career. Focus on moving this thing with this new guy to the next level.
When is the right moment to have this conversation?
Well, the quick answer is when he has an erection. Guys are just in better moods generally when they are hard or half chubbed. So my advice is to make out with him, put your hand down his pants, get him stiff and then say, “So, would you please take down your Tinder profile for me?”
What’s he going to say, no?
No man on planet earth will refuse that request.
“But isn’t that too manipulative? I want him to really want to take it down.”
You might have a point. Then try these more reasonable methods for women who are less deranged than me.
3. Take a little road trip.
Get some new underwear and a cute little bathing suit. Drive somewhere fun for the weekend. Have a great dinner, a couple of martinis, go back to the room, give him an erection and…
No, I’m kidding. I think over dinner is good. But the best is in the car. The tunes are playing. The traffic just broke, and it’s nothing but highway before the two of you, and metaphorically, nothing but open road ahead for your relationship.
Keep it light, but not like it’s a joke. Do you know how to make it light but still serious? Here’s how.
“So, here’s something I’ve been thinking about when I’m not thinking about your pretty face.”
He’ll be in a slightly dumb, zoned out, “I just got called pretty”, mindset. Spring it on him quick.
“How ‘bout we try going exclusive for a while.”
I know, that seems counterintuitive. Exclusive is not supposed to have a “for a while” attached to it.
But we don’t want it to have a “forever” attached to it either, which is what it has if you end the sentence this way, “How about we try going exclusive.”
See, it seems never-ending. Don’t scare the poor guy. They scare easy you know. Especially this new crop of snowflakes you younger kids are puttin’ out.
If you can’t squeeze in the road trip, here’s another idea:
4. Binge watch something.
Spend like three days on a cool old series like Mad Men or something. After you’re both in an altered binge state, and you have been calling in sick to work and you’re both obsessed with Betty Draper’s teen age “friend” out in Connecticut, you know the one that wanted a lock of her hair, that weird kid who had that certain something? Anyhow, ask him then, because compared to that kid you are not going to seem weird at all. And it’s going to seem like a much more rational request than “Can I have a lock of your hair.” Plus, you’ve just proved how much fun you guys have together! Who’s more fun to watch Mad Men with than you! He’s bound to say yes.
Or, if you don’t like the so-called golden age of TV:
5. Try an outdoor concert.
This is kind of the end of that season, but there still might be a few going on in your area. Get yourself a picnic lunch, a blanket. Get there nice and early. Pour yourself some wine. Cuddle up with your guy and wait for the warm-up band to finish, and when they are finally finished, and the main act is about to start, and everyone is in that optimistic state, believing in spite of every lousy live concert experience they’ve already had that this show is actually going to be any different than listening to the artist on Spotify — I call this the triumph of hope over experience. That is the perfect time to squeeze his hand, look at him excitedly, tell him what a great time you’re having and pop the exclusivity question.
And don’t worry, that slowly fading smile as he watches the next hour and a half of this dumb concert play out has nothing to do with you — it’s just the sad reality of almost every live concert except The Flaming Lips. Sorry, just is.
Or you know what? Maybe scratch all the above. Don’t ask him in person at all.
6. Text him.
Hey, don’t knock it. Remember those glory days of your relationship, when you got your first witty text from him and you thought of something clever to reply right away, and you just felt something click.
That was the honeymoon, guys. Call me nostalgic, but why not harken back to those halcyon days with a little sexty texty. Flash him a pic of your boobs. And text, “Would you take your Tinder profile down for this?”
Hopefully he’ll send you back a dick pic and a “Hell yes.” Plus a Heart emoji to which you lipstick kiss reply.
Yes. I’m confident that that’s the best way forward.
And if he says no…sorry girl, but…
Move on. Don’t waste your time with the sorry SOB.
Plenty more fish in the Tinder sea.
7. Maybe it’s not meant to be exclusive after all.
Haven’t you been listening here on Medium? Relationships are a bitch, girl. Just keep playing around while you’re still young and having fun. Don’t take it too seriously. Unless of course, he’s the one.
If he’s the one, you will trust your heart, I know, and not pay any attention to advice from me or anyone else.
You know what you want, now go out and get it!