Going It Alone

‘The thing that sucks for me most is missing sex.’

His text message sent a wave of anger through me.

‘Masturbate. I do.’ I replied coldly.

‘Doesn’t help.’

‘Never does … alone. Why do you think I had phone sex when you and I weren’t doing it?’

‘That stung,’ he confessed.

‘Now you know how I felt.’ I said, unapologetic.

‘Yep.’

In that moment I knew he finally understood it wasn’t about wanting to fuck someone else, it was about wanting him, when he wasn’t wanting to fuck. I never wanted to physically cheat on my ex, but masturbation alone wasn’t satisfying my needs. I needed human interaction. I needed him, but what’s a girl to do when trying to communicate those needs fails? I am not saying what I did was right. I should have taken another route, maybe ended it, but I wasn’t willing to give up on a good relationship with someone I loved over a lack of sex. I just needed an outlet, and I found it in the sound of another man’s voice.

I wasn’t aroused, but now I am with a capital A.

This man, we’ll call him Lance, he and I met on a random match chat site. The conversation at first was friendly, mostly talking about books, common interests, but then it started to drift to the personal. He told me he was married. They both travelled for work, but much of his time was spent at home alone, putting together portfolios … He admitted to being bored somedays so he often got on chat to meet people. I told him about my role as a stay-at-home wife, my wonderful husband, but I admitted to feeling a little frustrated. Lance was easy to talk to and listened as I poured out my heart about my sexual frustration and guilt, because my husband worked so hard to support us. Lance said his marriage was good, but admitted he was restless. He asked me if I masturbated and I said, all the time, but it didn’t help. I confessed to him that as we’d been talking, I was lying on my vibrator to let it stimulate my clit — that got his attention.

‘I wasn’t aroused, but now I am with a capital ‘A’’ he confessed. ‘Do you want to have phone sex?’

‘You don’t considered it cheating?’ I asked.

‘In a way yes, but really it’s not crossing a physical line; it’s just masturbation with a little help,’ he justified. He gave me his number. ‘Do what you want with that.’

I sat staring at his number, thinking about his words. The rational part of my brain just wanted to delete it, but it had been weeks since my ex and I were intimate and a girl has needs, so I dialed his number…

My ex and I had tried phone sex in the earlier stages of our relationship, when it was long distance. However, we were both sexually inexperienced back then and the conversations were awkward and unfullfilling. Lance on the other hand, confessed to having phone sex often and knew what honeyed words would evoke the most arousing response. The sensual sound of Lance’s voice telling me what to do to myself, what he wanted to do to me, stimulated my imagination and drove me to a quick and blissful orgasm. It was second to actual physical contact, but as my ex has finally come to understand, much more satisfying than going it alone.