Embracing And Releasing My Inner Goddess

Learning to love myself despite physical imperfection took a leap of faith

I never embraced my sexuality or considered myself sexy — my body doesn’t meet society’s high standards. I am 3ft 4in, have a severe case of scoliosis and am in a wheelchair.

I used to be proportionate, but when I was ten, my back began to curve. As I hit puberty I started to feel awkward. While my other girl friends were developing lovely womanly figures, I was still flat chested with curves in all the wrong places. It was around this time that I realized I was not only jealous of women, but extremely attracted to them. The realization, along with my strict religious upbringing, made it hard for me to connect with most females.

When I was in high school, I resigned myself to the fact I would never be as sexy as other women and gave up trying. I cut my hair short, wore baggy clothes and inserted myself as one of the guys. I had many crushes, but rarely did I attempt to put myself out there and whenever I did, I was rejected — young people can be so cruel. I realized I just didn’t have any real sex appeal.

Fortunately, with the end of adolescence came the clean slate of becoming a young adult. I decided it was time to start over — I wanted to find someone who could see the beauty within and I took to dressing more feminine, letting my hair grow out and building a little confidence in myself (it also helped that I’d finally developed breasts). It was difficult to talk to guys as a female who wanted more than friendship, but it eventually paid off. I met a man who appreciated what was special about me and even made me feel beautiful.

However, as time passed I realized that I wasn’t entirely satisfied with my life. I wanted to have adventures. I still had the desire to explore my bisexuality and engage my curiosities, but I was so wrapped up in the relationship I was in that catering to his happiness was diminishing my own. Little did I realize the things he wanted, that I couldn’t give him, were eating away at him as well — we were both unaware of the train wreck our relationship was headed towards until it was too late.

Now, as I pick up the pieces of my life and reconcile the mixed emotions of ending a ten-year, codependent relationship, I am discovering myself for the first time. I have spent so much of my life either shying away from my sexuality or suppressing my own desires to meet those of another, I’ve neglected my own happiness and well-being. I know I am different, but I’ve come to learn there is more to being sexy than simply being physically beautiful. Some women may only look sexy, but the appeal might be lost in the personality. Other women carry their sexual deity within, allowing only those who are worthy to see them for who they truly are; that’s what makes me beautiful — sexy. Now, as I go out and explore my sexual freedom, I am excited I can finally embrace and release my inner goddess.