NOT Worth The Wait

Waiting until you are married to give yourself to someone ensures that God’s precious gift will be perfect…

The words from my youth pastor’s sermon on ‘waiting until marriage for sex,’ replays in my head as I lay on my friend’s couch in his garage. He is on top of me, inside me and this moment is anything, but perfect. No, I was not being raped. This was purely consensual, but we were young, drunk and unmarried. The guilt I felt coupled with the pain of being penetrated for the first time made my first sexual experience awkward and eventually ruined my friendship. Afterwards there was no cuddling, no intimate talk. We sat silently, finishing our forgotten beers.

“That was fun,” he said in an attempt to break the awkward silence.

“Yeah,” I smiled, but of all the thoughts and emotions flooding through me, fun was not among them.

What they don’t tell you in a worth the wait sermon…

Keeping the promise isn’t as easy as saying ‘NO.’

The guy I lost my virginity to was my best friend of seven years. When I finally got the courage to confess how I felt to him he admitted he felt the same, but was unsure it would work between us, because he didn’t know if we could have sex. He knew I wanted to wait until I was married, but he did not, so out of respect for our friendship he decided not to pursue me. I was touched by his honesty and disheartened by the truth. I understood his reasoning: How could he be expected to wait for someone who may not be able to have sex? I prayed for an answer, but no divine revelation appeared and I realized this was a question I would have to explore myself — God would understand; after all, he made me this way. So with that justification, a lot of alcohol and a condom I broke my promise to wait.

The first time is almost never perfect.

My youth pastor verbally painted us a beautiful image of wedding night between a young couple that waited until they were married to have sex…
They came together in perfect harmony; no shame, no guilt, just love for only each other and for God who brought them through the temptation of lust and sin. They were a perfect fit for one another, because when you wait for God’s gift, it is always perfect.

I wondered afterwards if breaking the promise I’d made to wait until marriage was the reason I had such a disappointing first sexual experience.

A rebellious girl in my youth group asked our pastor:

“How will we know what to do for our husbands if we don’t practice?”

His response:

“God will guide you.”

Even then when I believed in the sanctity of waiting, I felt the answer was vague. As I moved on, I soon learned that the first time with anyone was almost never perfect. Even without the church’s representation of a perfect virgin experience, movies and television portray people having sex in a way that seems flawless. However, my first sexual experience and even the ones after have always been challenging — at least in the beginning. When I met the man who is now my husband our sex life was an obstacle (He is 6’2 and I am 3’4). Finding our rhythm wasn’t easy, but we have other things that connect us and through our love and willingness to communicate to one another our wants and needs, our sex life improved and continues to grow as we explore new ways to strengthen our intimacy. I am not saying everyone should have sex before they are married, but they should wait until they are ready and should be able to discuss it beforehand. I feel it would have better prepared me for the experiences ahead if my parents took the time to answer the questions I surpressed in my youth rather than force their religious standards on me. Instead of advocating abstinence, I feel we should listen to the questions young people have in regards to what they are sexually curious about or what they should expect and answer them honestly. Sex is worth waiting until you are ready to have, but not worth waiting to talk about.

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