Overcoming sexual coercion
If you’re like me, prepare for a tough — but worthwhile — journey
I’m still … trying to claw my way out of the nasty head space I was forced into not so long ago… [but] rather than turn myself into a hermit, I’m putting myself out there as much as I want to, and forgiving myself when I don’t much want to.
It’s unfortunately common for people, specifically women, to be coerced into sex at some point in their lifetime. It’s especially unfortunate when that coercion comes from a long-term partner that is loved and trusted. “Sexual assault by an intimate partner is neither rare nor unique to any particular region of the world,” according to the World Report on Violence and Health.
These victims are robbed of sexual freedoms and safety that many others enjoy daily. If that isn’t bad enough, these victims are also robbed of the relationships they once held so dear. It’s incredibly difficult to bounce back from sexual coercion once it’s been introduced into a shared bedroom.
At least, it was difficult for me; and to some extent it still is, almost one year and two new partners later.
After spending nearly two years in an abusive relationship, I found it increasingly difficult to be emotionally involved with a potential romantic partner even when I desperately wanted to be. For me, relationships have always been more about the romance and deep, personal connections than the sex and eroticism. Thus, not being able to have that kind of emotional intimacy was really difficult for me.
What made things worse was all the sex I was having without that personal connection. I’m the type of person who needs to have an emotional relationship with someone before I sleep with them. The sexual attraction just isn’t there unless I have a foundation with that person beforehand (fun fact: this is known as demisexuality, which falls along the asexual spectrum).
Imagine the cognitive dissonance I was facing here:
I’m seeing a man with whom I had no emotional connection. I crave this kind of connection, but can’t find a way to achieve it. Regardless, I push on with the relationship, and even take it a step further by sleeping with him when I didn’t want to sleep with him.
I felt like sex was owed and expected — like I had to sleep with this person whenever they wanted, and the sex would be whatever they wanted it to be. I had no authority, but not because my new partner wouldn’t let me have any power in the relationship. No, I just couldn’t get over the learned behaviors left over from my abusive relationship. In that situation, I didn’t have much say in when sex happened and what happened during it. Those habits were hard to break.
I continuously sought out romantic partners with whom I could be emotionally honest, but instead I closed myself off to that kind of connection completely, and reduced the relationship to nothing more than sex I didn’t want to be having.
I don’t have much wisdom regarding this type of situation tucked away in my back pocket for any readers who stumble upon this post. I’m still in this type of situation, still trying to claw my way out of the nasty head space I was forced into not so long ago.
All I can really say about how to overcome this type of situation is to be kind to yourself. I spent a long time hating myself for being “damaged,” but that only makes recovery harder. I had to learn to forgive myself for setbacks I encountered during new relationships before I started pursuing emotional connections with others. If you’re like me, you’ll start associating your personal resentment with your new relationship, which isn’t ideal.
Trust your gut. If you find yourself yearning to be emotionally vulnerable with someone, especially a new partner, try it. Let a few bricks tumble away from your walls. If it feels wrong, stop. If it feels right, keep knocking shit down. Don’t force yourself to be open if you aren’t ready, but don’t get into the habit of resting cozily inside your comfort zone, either.
Give yourself time. Like I said, I’ve already ruined at least one relationship because I wasn’t ready for it. This doesn’t mean that I have to stay away from relationships until I’m “better.” The way I see it is that I won’t know if I’m ready until I’m in the moment. Rather than turn myself into a hermit, I’m putting myself out there as much as I want to, and forgiving myself when I don’t much want to.
I’m not a professional (though I do see one, and she supports my mindset on this), but I have been actively working on my recovery for a little while now. I’m not entirely healed from my experiences, but I’m doing so, so much better. I’ve shown unprecedented sexual restraint and emotional openness with someone I really care about recently and I’m sincerely proud of how far I’ve come.
Progress may be slow, but it’s still progress, and it’s worth fighting for. I have high hopes for my future relationships, and I have no doubt that I’ll be able to enjoy good, healthy sex in those relationships, as well as strong personal connections with people I’m crazy about. Maybe not now, maybe not even soon, but I’ll get there.
And so can you.
