Raising Kids In a Society Rife With Toxic Masculinity
Or: How We Are Trying to Raise Good Humans
I can’t scroll my Facebook feed without seeing multiple posts from friends about struggling to raise their children without the gender binary stereotypes, and the many societal barriers that come from being a “boy” or a “girl.” As a mother of both a boy and a girl, I have put much thought into how my husband and I will parent our children in this day and age that reeks with toxic masculinity, and how to make sure my kids have the choice and freedom to be themselves, and feel loved just as they are, perfect!
How We Are Parenting in this Dangerous Age of Toxic Masculinity
First, a quick, short definition of toxic masculinity. It refers to the socially-constructed attitude or belief that the masculine gender must be violent, stoic and unemotional, sexually aggressive, and completely self-sufficient even to their detriment.
A woman nearby approached giggling, “well, boys will be boys…”
We had a family day at the beach recently, and I got a nice taste of toxic masculinity (along with salty seawater; I preferred the seawater). I was splashing in the water and rolling around in the waves with my son, when he decided he wanted to nurse in front of the entire beachfront while getting saltwater splashed in our faces.
He quickly and effortlessly ripped my bikini top off exposing my breasts to dozens of bystanders and tossed it a few feet away. As I got up to go fetch my bikini top before it floated off, he tried climbing up my leg to get back to my breasts, and somehow managed to rip the bikini bottom off, which left me fully nude. I finally got myself redressed, and as I was hauling my hungry son back to our beach chairs to nurse in a more comfortable setting, a woman nearby approached giggling, “well, boys will be boys.”
I stuttered an “excuse me?” and listened to her explain how boys always want girls naked, so it makes sense he would rip my bikini off. I was flabbergasted at the course traveled by her train of thought. That my toddler was just ‘being a boy’ and ‘wanted me naked?!’ I quickly put her in her place, but the experience still haunts me. She not only tried to make a harmless encounter with my young son something sexual, but she condoned boys ripping off girls’ bikinis against their will, because that’s “just what boys do.”
i.e. Toxic Masculinity
I witnessed multiple incidents of toxic masculinity while I was bartending my way through college:
- Men punching other men for looking at their partners
- Men unilaterally informing their partners ‘we’re leaving,’ as though they have some kind of ownership over the woman
- Men offering to buy a woman a drink and then getting visibly, loudly, often scarily offended if she refuses the advance
- Men slapping a woman’s ass or grabbing her breasts against her will
My husband and I have discussed how to parent our children while dealing with the social issues that come as a side effect of toxic masculinity in mainstream culture, and — while we’re certainly not perfect — we think we have found a few things that work for us.
Share domestic duties
My husband and I both share house chores. I can change the oil in the cars, or change a tire if necessary, and my husband does 50% of the cooking and cleaning around the house. I feel it is healthy for both my children to see my husband cleaning a toilet, or doing the dishes, and see me changing batteries in toys and doing home repairs.
Equally expose kids to sports and the arts, regardless of gender
Both my children get equally exposed to sports (soccer, baseball, hockey and martial arts) as well as the more stereotypically-feminine activities like art, theatre, ballet and the symphony. Either child can choose to take a class in any activity regardless of what’s ‘socially acceptable’ for their assigned gender. My daughter was the only girl in her “Little Ninjas” karate class and she didn’t even notice!
Play with all types of toys
My daughter’s first toy was a soccer-ball rattle. My son’s first favorite toy was a baby doll he picked out from Target on his own. My daughter is free to play with cars, and monster trucks, and get dirty rolling around in the mud looking for bugs (which she does often), while my son is free to dance ballet and twirl around the house in his big-sister’s tutu while hugging his baby doll. We don’t subscribe to gender norm toys/activities in our house. The message to them? Play with whatever you like!
Wear whatever clothing they like
We present them lots of options for clothing to wear. Some days my daughter likes to wear pink frilly dresses and some days she likes to wear her faded, torn jeans with a Thomas the Tank Engine shirt. It is her choice. The same goes for my son. The other day my daughter wanted pigtails in her hair, and my son requested the same (which was challenging because he is still so young and doesn’t have much hair to pull back) but I was happy to oblige, and he was thrilled to have pigtails like his sister.
We actively, consciously fight stereotypical courtship rules
Modern courtship is a total hotbed of toxic masculinity! We will make sure both our children know, and fully understand, that NO ALWAYS MEANS NO. No exceptions. We also want to dispel the myth that girls perpetually need rescuing or protecting. That is terribly insulting to girls by insinuating girls are weak.
With that said, we want to teach our children to be kind and compassionate humans who will help and/or stand up for others in need, regardless of any gender.
We (try to) notice and address our own gender biases
This mainly pertains to family members, but we have to be careful to remind family to not use “boys will be boys” type phrases and accept our children as they are, or they will not be welcome in our house.
We allow and encourage our son to feel all his feelings
We reject the idea that boys shouldn’t cry or be emotional. “Boys don’t cry” or “man up” are not phrases we use, support or allow in our house. It has been well documented how forcing boys to suppress their emotions (all of which are valid) leads to aggression issues in adulthood, and feel isolated or insecure. It can also cause extreme reluctance to reach out for help (especially mental-health help) when it is needed.
We allow our children to make their own choices
Both my daughter and my son are allowed to make their own choices about their interests and desires. It’s okay if my son (or daughter!) wants to be a pink ballerina princess, and it’s okay if they would rather be a blue-camo ninja dinosaur. Some days they switch between both, and that’s okay too! We give them the freedom to decide their own interests and chose what they like on their own.
Our ultimate goal is to give our children the agency, the power and the right to be who they are by giving them as many options as possible, and always supporting their decisions. We want them to know we love them for who they are, not who society thinks they should be.
We, as a society, are raising the next generation, and as such, don’t we want to make sure they are compassionate humans that feel free to be themselves?
