Why are we all fighting for the worst option?
Treating love-relationships like adversarial contests has a cost
Everyone’s heard the phrase “The Old Ball-and-Chain” when referring to someone’s wife. For decades, there’s been advertisements and pop culture (like the ad above from 1954) that marriage is the end of a man’s life. That because he has obligations to someone above and beyond a casual fling, that he now needs to lose some part of his freedom and “what it means to be a man.” This is hogwash, obviously, but everyone’s heard it, and some even believe it. Even people who are in marriages know these jokes and make them, if only to keep up in conversation with the people who believe that it’s the worst decision you could make.
However, if that’s the case, why is there so much weight put on it? If you didn’t want to get married, why do it? If every guy thinks the same thing, why is there pressure to get married in the first place? In the same stories or media where there’s a guy that doesn’t want to get married, the plot just as easily points out how wrong he is and how finding the ‘right woman’ shows him the error of his ways and it’s off to monogamy town. It feels like this huge mixed signal where you’re supposed to hate being in a long-term relationship, but that’s obviously what you should want? Is it just a different target audience, and if THAT’S the case, why would you systematically build a state where one half of the population is supposed to gather the ire of the other?
It all comes down to roles. Specifically, the gender roles. Having men see marriage as some sort of cage helps bolster the idea of conquest. At the same time, showing women at odds with this desire teaches women that this SHOULD be their goal, rather than wanting the same sort of freedom the men have. It’s why these stories always end with the marriage no matter what sorts of life the characters had before. Keeping couples ‘at odds’ makes people easier to manipulate into performing their designated roles, especially if you’re seen as lesser for wanting marriage as a man, or not wanting it as a woman. But what do you think? Let me know what your thoughts are and let’s get this conversation started.
Originally published at aconversations.wordpress.com on April 23, 2018.
