Loving Yourself First: A Queer-Positive Guide to Sexual Pleasure & Preventive Care
Sex is a huge topic and, at the same time, a tiny one. It’s so personal and yet, so global. But for all the diversity of human sexual and gender expression, the things we have in common are many when it comes to enjoying each other sexually.
So, while one size can never hope to fit all, sexual practices tend to vary little from basic models of human sexual behavior. In other words, we all tend to have a set of sexual “moves” that form the standard foundation of our wildly variant bedroom repertoires. Any queer-positive approach to sexual pleasure and preventive care begins from what all humans have in common.
Marvin Gaye said it best: “We’re all sensual people.” But human beings are sensual creatures who think. So one of the most fertile fields of sexual pleasure is the brain. While our physical-chemical systems conspire to perpetuate the species, our brain concocts a response to this chemical soup, and if the answer is “yes”? Well, you know the rest. That’s where the magic happens.
The Scent of a Lover
It’s a story as old as time. You turn in the street, bidden by some unknown force and your eyes meet those of a stranger. Why did you turn? You smelled them! The chemical soup of desire includes ingredients that you can “smell” subconsciously. While your mind registers the olfactory encounter, it does so behind its hand, whispering, “Turn around!”
And while it’s undeniable that there’s pleasure aplenty to be had without a lover, skin-to-skin is good medicine that you’re sometimes willing to prowl for. Prowling demands that the stops be pulled out and smart prowlers are doing just that by adding pheromonal power to their chemical soup profiles. Our bodies are powerful but having a secret weapon gives you an edge.
For Love of You
Whatever you do in the land of sexual pleasure once your prowling has borne fruit, you are there. And you must always be at the center of your sexuality. The most common mistake people make is to place their lovers at the center. But that’s where you belong.
It’s easy to lose ourselves in the pursuit of sexual pleasure. That’s part of what sex does for you. Sex allows you to take a holistic break during which you’re fully immersed in the delight of the mutual moment. But don’t you deserve that solo?
If you’re shy about self-pleasure, you need to know that it’s one of the healthiest things you can do for your body. Masturbation, with or without a sex toy, is an acknowledged sexual health practice that imparts overall wellness. So, embrace self-love as part of being a whole person. Rediscover your body in masturbation and open new doors to genuine self-love.
Sharing Sexual Pleasure — Relationships
Relationships aren’t easy for anyone. But for queer people, they’re downright tricky and dating is too often a minefield. But that doesn’t necessarily imply that many queer people don’t find that ideal unicorn that fits them like a glove.
Once the relationship is established and sexual issues crop up — just as they do for all coupled humans — how do we respond? We either allow things to deteriorate or take matters into our own hands with a sexual pleasure plan for two (or maybe more)! While you’re at the center of your sexuality, once you’re in a relationship with another, their needs must be acknowledged and met.
Shared sexual pleasure demands the fully engaged participation of all partners and some creativity, to boot. Cock sleeves are a great resource for those encountering reluctance on the part of their penises, for example. Don’t be afraid of unusual solutions to sexual impasses in your relationship. They’ve come to challenge you, so put on your sexual creativity cap. Sharing sexual pleasure with another means being committed to doing what it takes to bring the noise.
What Pleases You is Valid
Whoever you have sex with and whatever you do together, the only thing that really matters is that you’re pleased. Your personal satisfaction is non-negotiable. While you want to please your partner, your needs and desires should be fulfilled and never neglected.
While every couple should talk about sex, not that many do. I’m sure there are queer people out there who are similarly reticent when it comes to discussing sex with the person they’re doing it with. While we want to be understood, we’re reluctant to hit any potential “sore spots”.
But talking to your partner about what you desire sexually is how you’ll know whether you’re going to get it or not. Is that lover GGG (good, giving, and game) or resolutely unwilling to entertain your kinky bits? If it’s door number 2, it’s time to cut your losses because if you’re not getting what you need, you’re not fooling anyone but yourself.
Preventive Care
The most important component of preventive care is to act to prevent the spread of STIs. Anyone can contract one. Anyone can get sick. If you’re young or old, of any sexuality or gender expression, you can catch any number of STIs. Be prepared for penetrative sexual activity by having condoms handy appropriate to your genitalia, and using them for oral, anal, or vaginal sex.
And if you’re concerned about the possibility of HIV/AIDS in your immediate community, take PrEP. PrEP is widely available from a number of sources, so be aware of accessible resources in your community.
But the best preventive care you can give yourself is an approach to sexuality that puts your soul and body first. Your health is precious. Your love is precious. You needn’t be stingy but remember to stay tuned in to the people you meet and to be aware. Stay healthy. Know pleasure. Love mindfully.
