How to Talk About Consent
Dr. Sara C. Flowers, Vice President, Education, Planned Parenthood Federation of America
You’ve probably heard the word “consent” recently, and for good reason — consent is an essential part of having a safe, fun, and healthy sex life. But many people don’t know how to talk about consent — or even what it means. They may not learn about consent in school or from their families, and we rarely see people talking about what they want or don’t want in sex scenes in movies or TV shows. That’s why Planned Parenthood provides education and creates resources — to help people learn how to navigate these conversations.
First, what exactly is consent? Consent is when people agree to something — often this is sexual things, like kissing, touching, oral sex, vaginal sex, or anal sex — but it really could be about any activity between people. It needs to be totally clear that both people involved are into it. Partners need to check in with one another before doing anything sexual, and also throughout the experience to make sure that everyone involved is excited about it. Consent looks like a clear, happy, excited “yes!” communicated through words and/or body language. The key is that there should be no guessing, no assumptions, no leaving the burden on the other person to stop you.
That means if you want to do something sexual with someone, ask them. This doesn’t mean asking to “get” consent. This means communicating what you want, asking with curiosity and openness what they want, and then seeing where there’s overlap with what they want, and then figuring out your next steps together. Without this mutual decision making and clarity, someone may experience harm, even if that’s not your intent. Sexual assault is ANY sexual contact without consent, and unfortunately it happens way too often. That’s why understanding consent matters.
The good news is that this stuff doesn’t have to be awkward. In fact, it’s pretty easy: say what you want to do and ask the other person how they feel about it. Planned Parenthood created a “Consent 101” video series that explains what consent is and shows examples of what it looks like in practice. You can check them out HERE.
The best way to remember it is that consent is as easy as FRIES:
- Freely Given. This means people are given the space to give whatever answer they want, without pressure, manipulation, or being under the influence of drugs or alcohol. This is particularly important to pay attention to if one person has more power than the other, based on their identity or status.
- Reversible. Anyone can change their mind at any point in the interaction. Even if it’s something you’ve done before, and even if you’re both already naked.
- Informed. You can only consent to something if you have all the information you need. So if someone says they’ll use a condom and then they don’t, there’s not consent.
- Enthusiastic. When it comes to sex, each person should only do what they WANT to do; no one has to do anything because someone expects them to do it. Communicate with your partner early and often to make sure they’re into what you’re doing together.
- Specific. Saying yes to one thing doesn’t mean you’ve said yes to other things. For example, consenting to going to the bedroom to make out doesn’t mean you’ve consented to have sex.
So let’s say you want to kiss someone. You can say, “I really want to kiss you. How do you feel about that?” If they say “I’d like that” and look genuinely happy, that’s a pretty clear signal of consent. If you ask “Can I kiss you?” and they say “yes” but seem unsure or withdrawn, you need to pause and ask how they’re feeling. You can check in again by saying something like, “I want to make sure you’re into this. How are you feeling?” If they say “no,” or “I don’t know,” or don’t respond at all, they’re not consenting, and you should ask them what they’re feeling/thinking.
Remember: the key is listening and paying attention to your partner (including words and body language), and communicating your desires and boundaries as clearly as you can. This is even more essential if there’s a power difference — like because someone has more social status, one person is openly queer while the other is not, or because of race or gender power dynamics.
Planned Parenthood is the nation’s largest provider of sex education, and we’re committed to helping people communicate about sex respectfully and honestly, and engage in healthy relationships. We believe that all people deserve access to information and skills that can help them make healthy decisions about their bodies, sex, and relationships.
Planned Parenthood is here for you, in-person, online, and on your phone. You can make an appointment to speak with a doctor or nurse at your local Planned Parenthood health center. You can have live conversations with trained educators via our Chat/Text program at PlannedParenthood.org/chat or text “PPNOW” to 774636 (PPINFO) to get answers about pregnancy, birth control, emergency contraception, STDs, and abortion. You can check out our new our new sexual health chatbot, Roo, at Roo.PlannedParenthood.org, to ask questions about all things sexual health, 24/7.You can also learn more about consent, healthy relationships, and sexual health at PlannedParenthood.org, and follow us on our Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram pages.
