Consent = Empowerment: Making Sure Everyone Can Exercise Their Right to Choose or Refuse Sex
By Kecia Weller & Leigh Ann Davis
Conversations about consent can be confusing, especially for people with intellectual and development disability (I/DD) who have not been given education on this topic. Essentially, consent means to give approval or to agree, and it’s also about empowerment through communication. How can we expect people with disabilities to be empowered through their communication when they aren’t provided access to much-needed education about consent? How are they being supported to communicate consent when it comes to choosing or refusing sex? Are their choices being heard and respected? Other questions include:
Can a person with cognitive disabilities give consent to sex?
- YES, people with disabilities do have sex and can give consent to sex or choose not to consent to sex. People with I/DD continue to fight false stereotypes that they aren’t sexual or have the ability to consent to sex.
Are people with disabilities taught basic information about sexual education and healthy relationships?
- Due to societal stereotypes and other factors, people with I/DD are often left out of education about sex, relationships, and consent beginning at early ages. That has to change in order to help them learn how to make their own decisions when it comes to having sex.
How does the lack of autonomy impact someone with I/DD who is developing their own sexuality, sexual relationships, and sexual boundaries?
- Lack of autonomy, or independence, creates lack of opportunity for the individual to fully explore and express sexual needs or to learn how to say no to unwanted sex. This is especially concerning since people with I/DD are disproportionately affected by sexual violence compared to those without disabilities.
How can individuals with complex communication needs express their desire to consent or choose not to consent?
- Some people with disabilities encounter significant challenges communicating with verbal or spoken language. This can be addressed through the use of Augmentative and Alternative Communication (AAC) devices that help people with disabilities express themselves.
What is a parent or guardian’s role when it comes to consent or sex education?
- Parents or guardians can seek information to help them talk more openly about developing healthy sexual relationships. They may need to address their own misconceptions or fears about addressing the topic. They can learn more about school or community-based sex education programs and take part in these as a way of building their own confidence when supporting the person with I/DD.
How can supported decision-making help people with disabilities give consent, or choose not to?
- Supported decision-making (SDM) is a process where people with disabilities consult with trusted advisors who help them make their own decisions. The use of SDM is especially important when it comes to making personal decisions about relationships and sexual activity.
People with disabilities deserve consent education, too
According to the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN), communication should happen every time and in every situation involving sexual activity. Consent is about helping people learn how to set boundaries, ask for permission, and respect the choices of others when it comes to sex. Being able to communicate YES or NO when it comes to engaging in sexual activity should be a basic right that all people share. But for people with disabilities, whose rights in many areas of their lives have historically been denied, this right is far from being championed or even acknowledged as a priority in our society.
While I (Kecia) was growing up as a person with a disability, I wasn’t taught about what consent meant, and I wasn’t provided with any sexual education either. The fact that I wasn’t taught what consent is created huge problems for me as a young adult. I experienced multiple sexual assaults that could have been prevented if I had understood what consent was and had strong personal boundaries. As an adult with disabilities, I find that giving consent or not giving consent to someone who wants to have sex is extremely important to me. This is what consent means to me personally: When I give someone my consent, I’m telling the person that I agree to have sexual activity with them. When I was raped I didn’t give the perpetrator consent to have sex with me. A basic definition of consent is: “a clear and unambiguous agreement, expressed outwardly through mutually understandable words or actions, to engage in a sexual activity.” I have had experiences when I didn’t say no because I didn’t understand what consent was and the other person was assuming that my lack of saying no was consent to go ahead and have sex with me.
What does consent look like?
Consent should not be assumed by someone’s body language, the way they communicate with people, how passive a person is, the person’s disabilities or lack thereof, and having consent is not a lack of the ability to say “no”. It’s important to know that you have to right to say “no” especially if you don’t want to do something like have sexual relations with someone! If I had been taught that I could say “no” to someone, it’s likely I wouldn’t have been sexually assaulted so many times.
Consent is about having clear communication with someone about your intentions to participate in sexual activity. Effective communication is about doing active listening (for example, listening with intent and not thinking about what your next response will be), and talking about how people can develop creative solutions together regarding giving consent or not.
Resources empowering people with disabilities
Consent is a very empowering thing for people with disabilities. As an Abuse Prevention Advocate for people with disabilities and seniors, I know what it means to consent to do something, and one of the primary reasons I am writing this blog is that I want to make sure all people know what consent is. I have been educating society about these issues in many ways. For example, I worked with others to create a successful public service announcement about preventing abuse of people with disabilities that has been viewed over 20,000 times. I’ve also been working with the Talk About Sexual Violence project led by The Arc’s National Center on Criminal Justice and Disability and The Board Resource Center that helps health care providers have open-ended and supportive conversations with their patients with disabilities about sexual violence. Both of these projects are empowering people with and without disabilities to work together to prevent sexual violence in all its forms.
It is extremely important to me that all people with disabilities, especially people with I/DD, have access to sexual education that includes what consent means as early in their lives as possible.
If we expect people to be able to give consent, we must also provide the opportunities, tools, and education they need to be able to communicate their consent.
The sexual health and disability communities must work together to ensure children and adults with disabilities obtain effective and on-going consent education and sex education to give power to those with disabilities who can make informed decisions about their own sexuality, sexual health, and sexual relationships. I’m grateful that someone took the time to teach me about consent, because today I have the power to choose!
Kecia Weller is a Co-Chair of the National Peer Support Network. Kecia has been a disability right advocate for more than 25 years and an abuse prevention advocate since 2012. Kecia is a survivor of multiple sexual assaults. Kecia’s mission is to help prevent sexual violence in the disability community.
Leigh Ann Davis is Director of Criminal Justice Initiatives at The Arc of the United States and oversees its National Center on Criminal Justice and Disability®. She is a disability advocate and sexual assault survivor with over 24 years of experience working at the intersection of disability and criminal justice issues.
Since 2001, NSVRC has coordinated the national Sexual Assault Awareness Month campaign observed every April. This year’s theme, “I Ask,” is all about consent. Join the campaign by accessing free resources at nsvrc.org/saam. Resources are available in Spanish at nsvrc.org/es/saam.
