The Reality of My FWB Affair that Lasted 10 Years
Why I did it, how we kept it going and what I learned from it.
My wife and I weren’t just in a sexless marriage. It wasn’t as important to her as it was to me and our family was going through major upheaval. Our kids came to us at different ages as guardians and as foster children before we adopted them.
My wife really is a person who continually gives to others and there was little left for me. I can see why. We put up with teen and early adult alcoholism, pregnancy and a slew of kids moving into their early adult years.
We had little recreation as a couple and sex to her was fine every few months. So I went online and found a friend who had some wild benefits. We pursued our fantasies in the midst of a stressful reality. And we did it for a decade.
Why I pursued a friend — with benefits
Sex to me is a form of deep expression like an artist. I’d daydream about it and online gave me a way to connect with others through erotic and deep emails. I probably wrote the equivalent of a dozen erotica novels with the women I communicated with.
I would have enjoyed a spouse who felt the same way as me, but that wasn’t my reality. I also wanted to go out briefly on Saturday nights but we battled through a slew of kids at home who were going through emotional pains and traumas. We had ten people in our house at different points and they had come to us at different ages and with different troubled pasts.
Writing this is an exercise in deep vulnerability because I truly wasn’t trying to escape my home and home life. I wanted a respite from it on occasion. In the digital age, finding someone was quite convenient.
I met Ana through that popular affair site which I’ll allow to remain unnamed. It wasn’t easy. It took time writing, hearing from women, conversing and then they’d disappear. Or, honestly, sometimes I’d disappear. The communication would simply stop because there were so many people that it was distracting.
Somehow, Ana and I connected and to my surprise she only lived a few miles away. During our first week of messaging, I learned she was in higher education and she was from Europe. She moaned over the fact that she was going to be gone for two months in the summer and wrote that I’d probably find someone else. Well, I didn’t — and we wound up meeting at a shopping mall to say hello.
Why the affair worked
We were able to have conversations even as we had our sexual meetings. Through that communication, we learned to have respect for each other. Both of us appreciated the situation that the other was in and we learned to care about each other. That’s a summary of why we stayed together on a regular basis for almost ten years.
We had sex the very first time we met — at her prompting. I learned her situation and she talked about how she loved her husband but he had nothing to offer her emotionally.
She was a strong woman who was quite attractive and she was easy to talk to. I’m not a CEO type nor am I a fireman. In real life I’m decent looking which was fine with her. She wasn’t looking for a fantasy-type man. She was looking for someone she found attractive.
Our friendship worked even though we are total opposites in two key areas — politics and religion. She’s from a communist country and said Fidel Castro wasn’t enough of a socialist or communist. She grew up without any belief in God.
Me? Imagine the total opposite of both those traits and that’s me.
We valued each other beyond our politics and religion. We truly learned to care as individuals as we sought refuge in each other.
The sex was great
Ana told me how she was sexually active in her teen years, which I wasn’t. It was quite normal in her part of the world and yet she had never explored beyond a “vanilla” type of relationship. I introduced her to BDSM and one time had her kneel on the floor of the motel where we met and directed her to crawl to me. It was difficult for her to do and she hesitated greatly, but she did it.
And after that, I was in trouble. She was a PhD and loved doing research. The experience was a total turn-on for her and touched her deeply. Through her research, she looked up articles on dominants and submissives and decided — she was a natural domme.
I learned I had submissive leanings and for the next seven years during our times together, she took on the dominant role. She bought toys like a finely crafted flogger, a high-end vibrator, a riding crop and a beautiful corset. I added to our collection with rope and nipple clamps, clothespins and candles.
We emailed to each other nearly every day and we crafted a sexual world of about three to four hours per week. She’d undress me, tease me and make me kneel for her.
We also had threesomes — two with other guys and one with a woman who was also submissive. A regular motel that most people would pass by became our sanctuary. The rooms were no frills but quite clean and spacious and some of the rooms had wonderfully tacky mirrors on the wall.
A sexual fantasy come to life. Great, huh? Except, we lived in the real world.
The real times
Home life remained intense. Different tensions emerged as our kids aged, including our caring for our granddaughter. I’d set out a schedule for the day and suddenly our daughter and her boyfriend — the birth dad — couldn’t watch the little one for some reason. I was self-employed in business development with an interactive agency.
I’d set out my time, get interrupted by the family and then get started in my own work. I’d often get an email like, I really want to see you tomorrow. Ana wanted to get together. My work schedule was flexible and that was part of the problem. She had a husband and a son who had his own needs. But she had far more alone time than I did.
Okay, I’d often write back. I felt obligated to keep our arranged meeting times otherwise the relationship would have been short-circuited. Plus, we really liked each other. I wound up working on some projects late at night.
Getting together was fun but I could feel the tension of leaving my fantasy and going back home to a wife who loved me, even if she was totally overwhelmed with others. I’d be concerned if there was a strand of hair on my clothing or I could make it home in time.
That created an unspoken tension and it was carried out in our sexual times. After an hour or ninety minutes, I’d often glance at the clock. Being flogged at Ana’s hands was great but my real world was always on my mind.
We also brought up real issues which was part of our friends’ deal. After our first two or three years, we went for a stretch were we met twice a week. Once for sex and once for coffee and lunch. I’d listen to her concerns about work and she listened to my concerns about family.
Many affair profiles will have statements written like, “Leave the drama at home.” But not ours. We were real and I can see no way to avoid the reality.
The first three to four years were the most in-depth. We lived through my granddaughter growing up and her son graduating a school for kids with special emotional needs and living at home before he went to college.
We tracked in our history. And then her mother-in-law who was aging and had on-going medical needs moved in with them and Ana had to care for her. I went through extreme family turmoil and we emailed, which felt odd since we only lived three miles apart.
Weeks went by when we couldn’t meet for sex and instead we met for coffee and to encourage each other. We’d leave with a hug and a kiss.
I found myself relived that we couldn’t meet because I was struggling to get my career back on track. And then our emails grew less frequent and our times together faded into memory.
About two years ago, I figured our times were over. I stopped by her house for lunch and we had a quick sexual encounter. Kissing and playing in her study before I had to leave. We had fun. And one month went by, another and then a year. While I didn’t forget about Ana, I was deep in my family needs and I was communicating well with my wife.
In early 2018, our family went to Arizona for spring break to a condo. My wife is an early-to-bed woman and during one of the evenings we had a nice time of cuddling, kissing and falling asleep. I woke about midnight to go to the bathroom and saw my phone lit up.
There was a text message. My son is dead. What? I practically gasped. Who was this? I was half-asleep and then I looked closely at the number. Ana. It was her. Her son is dead?
A chill gripped me. He had made it to college. She and her husband were in higher education. I lay in bed as my wife breathed deeply in her sleep. Ana had always said how she liked talking with me and she had few friends. She didn’t go to church like I did and he was her only child.
I texted back. I’m sorry to hear. So sorry.
Our vacation continued and we went about our fun things while I thought of Ana. I emailed her when I returned and she invited me over. We hadn’t seen each other for about a year. We had lost track of the calendar.
She was smoking and drinking to ease the pain. He had died in his sleep. Natural causes. No clear reason. It was like his hear had just stopped. Her husband withdrew even more.
I saw Ana again. Just a week ago. First at lunch where she told me she wanted to be a good wife and had gotten rid of the toys she and I once enjoyed. She did save the flogger and kept it hidden.
We tried it out a few days later at a motel. Not the one we went to normally but one that was cheap. I laughed how no woman having an affair would end up going there. She didn’t care. She wanted to see me. She and her husband had become a foster parent like my wife and me. The girl they had was in her teens and had major emotional needs. Ana was responding well to it.
She walked in the room and we kissed before getting undressed and having sex. She gives great head and took me in her mouth making me breathe deeply and passionately as I fought back an early orgasm.
We had fun and enjoyed the surge of pleasure and then lay quietly holding each other. She wondered if her husband would ever want to break out of his shell and asked about my sex life with my wife.
We held each other in the midst of our reality. We were still friends and our friendship was a great benefit.