Sh*t I Wish I Knew About Medium

It’s killing you that I went just a little too much into the T, isn’t it?

Sh*t I Wish I Knew is your friendly neighbourhood rant box. It targets the little things, like why your shoelaces keep untying themselves or why you keep nodding “yes” without understanding what your doctor says. This is not knowledge, it’s nonsense, and this author hopes you enjoy it.

It’s where amateur shrinks come to get vetted

I’m still not sure if this is a good thing or not. I mean, on one hand you have lots of people sharing every life experience and all the lessons they’ve learned. Then again, you have lots of people sharing every life experience and all the lessons they’ve learned.

It warms the heart to see people opening up through a platform than enables and encourages creative writing. It’s amazing, really. But one thing keeps popping up constantly: the MTMP’s.

What are MTMP’s?

”Make The Most” Posts. I mean, how many times can you read the same relationship advice? We all know cheating fucking sucks by now, surely. And being optimistic and changing my toxic habits? C’mon now. You know what Dirty Harry used to say about opinions.

It’s home to some real hidden gems

…that are really difficult to find, even if you know what you’re looking for. I’ve read fiction that would put published authors to shame and short stories that were definitely not your average bus read.

Once you dig really, really deep, you’ll find them – most likely after you rid your feed of the above mentioned MTMP’s (I should really trademark this) and the occasional celebrity column. There’s no way I’d remember all the writers who impressed the shit out of me, but to all of them goes a heartfelt shoutout.

Zombie followers are still a thing

You’ve seen it with every cool little social media platform release. “The alternative to Facebook”, one claimed. “The ad-free, no nonsense social space”, another boasted. And we all fell for it once. Mostly because of peer pressure. Medium, however, was supposed to be slightly different.

Nobody wants (or needs) non-active followers. I’d rather have two people religiously eat up my content than yet another crowd of friends and colleagues that just created an account and saw a familiar name. Not to mention random people just hoping to trade follows, even though all they managed to scribble is one more “how to boost your marketing strategy” post. Sheesh.

Porn vs. politics should be a thing

“It’s a subjective, in-depth look into the intrinsic aspects of human sexuality, not a porn post!”, cried the author. Lord have mercy, man, it’s a page-long description of you going back in time to get it on with your first high-school teacher! Stop trying to convince me otherwise.

Porno essays are my occasional guilty pleasure, but not for the obvious reasons. I’m secretly rooting for them to overtake political satire pieces. ‘Cause there’s a lot of those, too. Legend has it that every day, more and more Medium users realize that their coq-au-vin recipes and motivational articles get no reads, so they switch to bashing Donnie or Hillary with cutting-edge wittiness.

Hustler vs. The Onion.

Brazzers vs. Clickhole.

Make. This. Happen.

If you’ve enjoyed my ramblings, clap, follow, comment or even get in touch. I enjoy criticism, even though I often choose to ignore it (for later regret).