Sh*t I Wish I Knew About Netflix

Jens Kreuter on Unsplash

Sh*t I Wish I Knew is your friendly neighbourhood rant box. It targets the little things, like why your shoelaces keep untying themselves or why you keep nodding “yes” without understanding what your doctor says. This is not knowledge, it’s nonsense, and this author hopes you enjoy it.


If it exists, Netflix will probably pick it up

A quick exercise to try when you’re in-between series or just bored out of your mind with what you’re currently on: try browsing for stuff you wouldn’t normally watch. If you’re not surprised within the first three minutes of scrolling, please find my contact details here and write to me personally.

Netflix has done everything from give hope to Adam Sandler diehards all the way to picking up Turkish dramas and some Belgian things that I believe not even the Belgians make time to watch. Since they’re so damn eager to give us everything, here’s a bunch of things I’d want to see:

A series about a Korean racer exiled as a crane operator in New Jersey.

A mini-series about the life of Gaddafi’s shoe shiner.

Andy Samberg playing a young Elton John in a biopic.

A prison cooking show (I feel this one actually may happen soon).

I can’t watch my favourite stuff, because I’m not in the USA

As a quick follow-up to the above point, Netflix finds itself lacking a shitload of binge-friendly shows. If they do have it, then it’s probably USA only, which makes matters even worse as it raised prices in both the land of the free and over here in the motherland as well.

This begs the question: why in God’s good name am I paying pretty much the same amount of money as Johnny J. Johnson over in the States, if I only get less than 18% of what he gets?

I’ve been waiting for Sons Of Anarchy to hit the ‘flix for a while now, for example. Not only is it not available in my country (and a few others I’ve visited while a subscriber), it’s now apparently leaving Netflix in 2018. Hoo-f*cking-ray, I guess!

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It most definitely does not involve any chill

Maybe I’m doing it wrong, but the whole “Netflix & chill” thing isn’t really what I pictured it would be. For one, if I actually bring someone over and we’re watching a show I enjoy, it’s extremely unlikely I’ll pause that for the sake of sexual intercourse. I’m just that kind of dude.

If we’re watching something random, just so we’d get down and dirty faster, then why bother with Netflix in the first place? Also, what the hell happens when we watch something random and we get hooked on it?

Netflix really isn’t a catalyst for sex, let’s just stop there. You’re insulting every Belgian drama director when you use their work for your filthy fornication.

It probably killed your local video rental store

…but I really couldn’t care less about that, it’s only Americans mourning Blockbuster and the tearjerking memories that came with it.

Shit, over here we had some shady dude that you’d ask about Tomb Raider, then he’d go to the back of his unregistered van and bring you back a Hungarian porno starring an Angelina Jolie lookalike. We have no such memories.

Saddle up and stream, America! Before they take your favourite shows as well.


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