Sh*t I Wish I Knew About The Common Cold

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Sh*t I Wish I Knew is your friendly neighbourhood rant box. It targets the little things, like why your shoelaces keep untying themselves or why you keep nodding “yes” without understanding what your doctor says. This is not knowledge, it’s nonsense, and this author hopes you enjoy it.

It’s the one dilemma humankind will never solve

”What? It’s like the most basic and easily treatable forms of illness” you will gasp, wondering why on Earth you decided to read this rant. And you’d be exactly right, it is. It’s an atom size, bullshit concern compared to other issues at large.


You know what caused your cancer. You know exactly how you shattered your femur. You already know which other kid at kindergarten gave yours the pox.

Do you know why you caught this cold, right now? There’s a billion fucking reasons that collide like angry asteroids when it comes to the cold. Pinpointing one is like solving a 2500-piece puzzle that’s sitting face down.

It doesn’t care what season it is

Of course you blame winter. That’s obviously when the unforgiving white frost outside turns your nose into a running tap and your throat into the fires of Mt. Doom. It’s so unavoidable, it hurts. Grandma’s knitted scarf will only shield you for so long.

I’m the summer cold type and damn, it’s absolutely mindblowing (or noseblowing, whatever floats your boat). Avoiding the cold in the cold of winter comes like a natural instinct, you’re not particularly trying to do it, you build up the reflex.

But come summer, you make the difficult choices: do I crank up the A/C in the car after I came in from the smouldering heat outside? Do I drink that lemonade that has more ice in it than DJ Khaled’s jewelry box? Summer colds are the absolute worst, because you kind of do it to yourself. It’s a choice between momentary comfort and long term possibility. Which one do you go for?

It ranks high as an all-purpose excuse

And it will rank up there for a long, long time.

Bad Tinder match? ”Sorry babe, I feel I got this cold coming up…”

Not feeling a working Monday? ”Hey Tiffany, can you please cancel my stuff today, I think I’m coming down with a cold.”

It works for skipping class, family reunions, weddings that you don’t have a plus one for, and the list goes on. Sure, in time you’ll need a convincing fake sneeze to go with it, but it gets the job done.

It facilitates a fucked up fashion sense

This probably goes under excuses as well, but it’s too big of a deal not to be taking the spotlight for itself.

I’ll just say this: no one ever, ever judged another human being for wearing track pants, an oversized scarf and their old, oversized college hoodie if they saw them just barely clinging to dear life because of the common cold.

Then again, considering what goes around as fashion today, you might just end up an involuntary trendsetter.

If you’ve enjoyed my ramblings, clap, follow, comment or even get in touch. I enjoy criticism, even though I often choose to ignore it (for later regret).