Pet peeves
The year is 2115 and the world has gone to the dogs and there’s no looking back now. Their proximity to humans clearly helped their ascent. No more fear of getting beaten, spayed, cross-bred and related bullshit. They wander all around with no cars to worry about either. It’s their time to shine without needing anybody to remind them that they are good boys. They still appear adorable but they’ve clearly picked up horrible traits thanks to 15000 years of human association.
Nobody’s slave. Nobody’s a master. Finally.
So, what happened to their two-legged friends? Well, it’s a long sad story but for theatrical effect, let’s eavesdrop on this conversation between a tribe that was scheming to take over the world and the one who actually succeeded in doing so.
Cat: “Who could have thought!”
Dog: “I know, right? We got lucky, man.”
Cat: “Are you sure? From my vantage point, it looked like you guys were on to something for a very, very, very long time while pretending to be all cutie-pie about it.”
Dog: “Haha. I smell jealousy! It wasn’t like that at all.”
Cat: “How was it then? Just so happened I woke up this morning and there are no humans around to mess with?”
Dog: “OK, OK, I concede we played a part in their disappearance but I don’t think we were organized enough to pull off…”
Cat: “Organized? You and your wet-nosed buddies were always tight. Y’all are the reason there’s nobody to milk the cow anymore.”
Dog: “That’s it? You miss milk? You don’t see the upside of this revolution?”
Cat: “What upside? Who’s revolution? Unless somebody is a dog, there’s no upside here. The rest of the species are in disarray all thanks to the stunt pulled by your kind.”
Dog: “You are being cute now. Your furry chums had similar plans, didn’t you?”
Cat: “Yes, yes, can’t deny but we could have executed in a better way.”
Dog: “How exactly?”
Cat: “We wanted to take over the Internet — before you wagged your bushy tails and flashed your puppy eyes in the viral video clips — and eventually would have taken over the Internet somehow. All while making sure there’s no chaos though.”
Dog: “Hmm? Doesn’t sound any different than what we did.”
Cat: “You guys drove humans crazy by disrupting their digital oxygen. We’d have taken things a step further and ensured that the throne isn’t occupied only by the feline deities but by the rest of the animal kingdom.”
Dog: “Liar!”
Cat: “No, seriously. What’s the point in having freedom when you can’t share it with those who aren’t from your tribe?”
Dog: “Bazinga! We aren’t interested in the throne per se. We only wanted to see what we are capable of. We were fed up of playing the fetch games. We wanted to deliver. For real. And we did.”
Cat: “For yourself.”
Dog: “Exactly. I don’t see how you guys would have done things differently because you don’t know what love is.”
Cat: “Excusez moi! We know what love is.”
Dog: “Yes, you only knew how to receive it. We knew how to gift it away. Besides, we gave more than we received. It was draining. There was no way the humans could have matched us.”
Cat: “So you and your folks exacted your revenge in the most inhumane way possible? You deprived them of their WiFi and whatnot?”
Dog: “Well, somebody had to do it. In fact, I don’t see anybody else doing it except us. We owed it to the kingdom.”
Cat: “Bluff! Bluff! Bluff! Y’all owed it to yourself. Y’all did it for yourself.”
Dog: “Won’t change a thing whether I admit to your charges or not.”
Cat: “Sigh! I miss humans. That’s all. I thought I liked their comfy houses. Turns out that’s not true. It was the human presence that made it worth our while. With nobody else to claim it, we don’t want the house either.”
Dog: “Typical cat talk.”
Cat: “Yeah, yeah, y’all are better than us.”
Dog: “Hahaha. Doesn’t matter. The only reason we had this chat is because of the way things are right now. Or else, it was impossible to have a dialogue with you crazy bunch.”
Cat: “Meow.”
