Reading behind the scenes
Not very long ago, I was approached by the writer of a National Award-winning film to assist him in his upcoming project. Initially, I accepted the offer as it was certainly a huge honour for me. I wasn’t really concerned about money or fame or credit. The fact that somebody worthy thought I was worthy enough was exhilarating. However, as a few days passed by, I became more and more anxious about whether I’d be able to do justice to the script. I used to stare blankly at the screen night after night. Too much maudlin happened eventually. Sorry for the spoiler alert but pessimism drips naturally into me. Within a week, I excused myself with a hasty mail explaining why I feel I am not cut out for the job.
I was mistaken.
Irrational decisions often sprout on the land of ignorance. Being ignorant of my strengths, I focused too keenly on my weaknesses. In the end, failure enveloped my mind, pushing me toward the worst stage of life: running away from a battlefield instead of waiting for the final verdict. When you escape, you are basically worse than a loser because the loser at least had the temerity to stand a fight. I know this now more profoundly than I did while sending that excuse mail.
They say opportunity doesn’t knock twice. It’s difficult to assess this proverb but opportunities are all around us. All the freaking time. Chances are your dream job is located less than 4 km away from you but you’re too embroiled in your own world that you continue to remain unaware for some logistical reason. Makes you wonder whether it’s a cruel twist of lingual fate that there is a pity in serendipity. Many a time we take more than we need and this behaviour lends a gloomy shade to moments when we should have taken those chances. Something in us told us, “No.” And we later detested ourselves for the same. Particularly when we realized that we’d have made a positive impact.
Being nervous is absolutely all right. Even the most celebrated go-getters are. Trouble arises when you let it bog you down and sucker-punch the enthusiasm out of you. We’ve seen how the finest athletes goof up at the biggest arena because they got caught in a messy trap called self-doubt. They see it coming but couldn’t do much about it. Everybody does before they trip. Just that very few manage to own the situation.
In an ideal world, I’d have gone ahead with the presented opportunity. I don’t know whether I would have been happier than I am right now. That’s not the point anyway. It’s one thing to look up at a hill and quite another to climb up so high that you can’t locate your house anymore. In all fairness, I am made up of ingredients suited for screenwriting. I am that guy who observes a lot and feels a lot more. I am the one who is wondering — during a fabulous scene — how the hell did the writer think of that. Because there is nothing without words on an empty page to start with. Nobody goes “Let’s shoot this shit; we’ll write later.” That’s now how it works. You’ve got to have the words to deed the action, never the other way around.
People keep asking me why don’t I write a book. They say it based on the tidbits they’ve read and they aren’t being intentionally facile. It’s not their fault that they don’t understand how intense a writing process can get. I know this because I’ve tried; and I’ve failed again and again to know better. I don’t go beyond 10 pages. Be it descriptive or narrative, a writer must have it in him to push himself to the very frontiers of human imagination. I am hanging somewhere in the middle. My only concern is ageing on the wrong side of life. I ought to learn how to confront my fear of the unknown. And then, once I manage to grow out of my self-imposed stupor, I might be able to not only fight the battle but also survive to share a tale.
