Passing the baton
Going back to work while my partner becomes lead parent
My partner and I are doing shared parental leave, and this week my “shift” came to an end.
Last week he finished work and is about to take over as “lead parent” for our daughter. He wrote about how he was feeling in the run-up to the switch.
Although shared parental leave is enshrined in law, not everyone can afford to take it. Among those who do, there aren’t a lot of public examples of how people make it work. So we’re both going to attempt to share our thoughts and experiences along the way.
Here’s what’s running through my head at the moment.
Ready but not ready — how I thought I would feel vs. how I actually feel
I work for a brilliant charity and I genuinely, truly love my job. I was sure that after 9 months I would be ready to get back to it. But as many a new mother has discovered, no one can ever tell you how infatuated you become with your baby.
My partner and I have always discussed gender roles and tried to do things in an equal way. When I became pregnant, it was important to both of us to share the year of leave available.
In a truly equal world, we would have split this 50:50. I would have taken 6 months and so would he. But I felt very strongly that if I had to physically carry the baby for 9 months, and if we were intending to breastfeed, I should take 9 months off to spend time with her (or “it”, back then).
In the end we went for an 8:4 split — and because of accrued annual leave, we (amazingly) have 6 weeks of overlap together. So I’ll be going back to work when our daughter is just over 9 months.
I know that sharing parental leave is going to have lasting benefits for my partner and I, for us as a couple, and most importantly for our daughter.
And we’re really fortunate to be able to do it.
But I also know that over the next few months she’s probably going to crawl, walk and talk for the first time. I might be lucky enough that it happens on a day I’m not working, but the likelihood is I’ll probably hear about it when I get home. And that makes me really sad.
Becoming a working parent
Which then takes us to going back to work. I’m incredibly lucky to work for an organisation that’s flexible, family friendly and that values its people. As much as I’m sad my maternity leave is ending, I‘m also excited to return to work.
I miss the clever, talented people I used to see and talk to every day. I miss challenging my brain and feeling like I’ve contributed something to the organisation and its really important mission. And I won’t lie — I miss being able to eat lunch with both hands.
But I know that no matter how brilliant my organisation is, I’ve changed a lot over the past 9 months and so has the scope of my responsibilities as a person. I’m nervous but excited about the challenge of becoming a working parent, and I want to try to bring my whole self to work in a way that’s inclusive and appropriate. I know this will probably be one of the biggest transitions I’ve ever gone through. Apart from actually having a child, of course. That was a pretty big deal.
In a different way, I’ve worked far harder over the past 9 months than I ever have in my life. I’m not going to miss changing nappies or constantly cleaning up after spit up/mealtimes/playtime. But I am really going to miss the smiles I get while I sing the stupid “poop song” during nappy changes. And I’m going to miss the cuddles and the stories we read when the tidying up is done.
How will I make sure that I’m giving everything I can to my team and my organisation while I also give everything I can to my family?
And what if my partner actually finds it all pretty easy? What if somehow I’ve made this all far more complicated than it needed to be, and he spends the next few months caring for our daughter whilst juggling creative side hustles and developing new hobbies?
I sincerely doubt this will be the case, but what if?
Handing over — do we need a spreadsheet for this?!?!
Finding balance between work and family is going to depend heavily on my partner picking up everything I was doing when I was on leave — and me picking up things he was sorting.
Much has been written about the mental load that a lot of women carry. That load becomes pretty heavy during maternity leave.
My partner and I have always (mostly successfully) tried to share housework and life admin. While I’ve been at home with the baby, I’ve naturally taken on more of this, and it made more sense for me to think about grocery orders, meal planning, laundry cycles, doctor appointments, nursery waiting lists etc. etc.
And I’ve handled the vast majority of the night wake ups, especially since our daughter is breastfed.
The benefits of breastfeeding are strongly promoted to parents. Those benefits are really important, but a breastfed parenting set up is inherently less equal than a bottle fed one. There is a physical responsibility placed on the breastfeeding mother that the other parent simply cannot provide in the same way.
When my partner takes over, we have to find a way to make sure I’ve actually handed over that mental load, and we will have to navigate transitioning from breast to bottle. That’s going to require my partner to really embrace organisational and domestic duties, for us both to be patient as our daughter adjusts to a new feeding arrangement…
…and it will also require me to let go of a lot of control.
Practising patience and giving space
As my partner shifts into being the “lead parent”, the thing I’m probably the most worried about is my own ability to accept not being the lead parent.
I’m admittedly most comfortable when I’m in control. I’ve spent 9 months building a nuanced relationship where our daughter and I can pick up on each other’s cues. In the same way I was building expertise in my field when I was at work, I’ve built an expertise in our baby whilst on maternity leave. And I’m proud of it.
So when my partner cuts her carrots the “wrong” way, or doesn’t understand why she’s getting grumpy, I have to find a way to be helpful, but mostly I have to let them find their own way together. It’s his turn to build those nuances and that relationship, and that is so important for all of us and the future we need to build as a family.
What I’m not worried about
The thing I’m not worried about is my partner’s ability to take all this on. He’s feeling a bit anxious, but I know he is going to be such a great lead parent.
He’s already a devoted, engaged and thoughtful father, and I know he’s going to pour his heart and soul into this next phase.
And I’m so grateful we’re in a position where we each get to understand what it feels like on the other side.
For every milestone I might miss over the next few months, I’ll understand what it felt like when he missed them earlier in her life. For every time I come home to a baby who’s absolutely delighted to see a new face, he’ll understand how I felt at the end of a hard day when he came home to a hero’s greeting.
And hopefully we will both develop a deeper appreciation for each other, and a multi-faceted, rich relationship with our daughter.
