How much alone time is ok?

Day 13/90 — For those 50% of the human population that need space.

People who get to know me are often surprised how introverted I actually I am. I’m at ease with people, not shy, have no problem chatting, talking, and being fun, but I need a lot of time off. I write ‘a lot’ because I’ve come to believe that the amount of time I need to fully recharge is much longer than for most of the people I know.

How much is too much? Exploring my inner introvert.

The best thing that can happen to an introvert

The best thing that ever happened to me was being introduced to the concept of introversion, realizing I was introverted, and suddenly being able to understand what was going on in my life. I now understood why I was constantly feeling drained, why sometimes going out to meet friends felt like going to war, and why I got way too excited about gaps in my schedule and last-minute cancelations.

I had been feeling demotivated, anxious, and drained for many years until someone introduced me to the concept of introversion and I suddenly realized — it’s ok to not be social 24/7, to have a need to be alone. It’s a basic need for me and about half of the rest of the human population.

Over the years I’ve become more and more open about sharing my needs as an introvert. I’ve criticized dysfunctional office spaces and I’ve deliberately cut time in groups, big events, and stopped volunteering to take part in social situations.

Functioning in today’s society as an introvert requires skill. Here are some situations that can be tricky.

A social introvert

Before I meet friends, I gradually compare the amount of energy I will spend doing so with my current energy levels and the time I will have to recharge. If my energy is already low, it’s likely I’ll decide to not see anyone. If my energy is ok now, but I know I have a busy (read: socially demanding) week ahead, I may also decline.

I don’t love my friends less than I did before. But nobody needs a friend who doesn’t want to be there. So I make sure that when I spend time with my friends, I’m excited about it and have my full self to give.

A working introvert

I’ve written several posts about how to thrive at work and have a successful career if you’re an introvert. For me, the most important thing is to openly share your needs. Explain to people that your performance will increase if you get more alone time. Be persistent about trying to reduce meetings. Champion an organized, online-based work structure that makes working remotely effective.

An entrepreneurial introvert

I had to make an extra category for this, because as an entrepreneur, there are definitely more challenges in my work life now than there were when I had a typical 9–to-5 job. An entrepreneur usually doesn’t only work longer hours, but also has to emphasize networking. This means work requires more socializing. I’m being honest with you here: ever since I shifted my career towards being an entrepreneur, I spend most of my socializing energy on work. I see friends less. It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make for now. It’s a sacrifice you should be aware of.

A creative introvert

Here’s something I’ve stumbled upon: of my very introverted friends, all are committed to some form of art — they paint, write, dance — the time they spend creating gives them more energy and pleasure than the time spent with friends. They openly admit this. So do I. That’s why I’m writing 90 articles for 90 days on Medium for an almost non-existent audience, instead of spending that extra hour on socializing. One gives, the other takes. Both of course induce pleasure. I’m not saying an artist has to be introverted. But it’s likely that there is a correlation between art and introversion.

It’s a trap!

But lets get back to the original question: How much time alone is ok? When does the introvert just become anti-social?

I’d argue that most introverts intuitively know when they need to leave the house more. However, I’ve also noticed that it’s easy to slip into full-blown anti-social behavior if one doesn’t actively fight against it. This is due mainly to the fact that the introvert usually declines hanging out with people more often and hence — someday people will stop asking. This means the introvert now needs to take the initiative to get back into the social game. If she doesn’t do that, her alone time can quickly become eternal.

How much alone time is acceptable is proportional to each individual’s needs. I probably need at least 4 hours a day to feel good. Those hours are often spent writing, reading, or working out. Sometimes I need more. In a constantly connected world, 4 hours is a lot of time to need by oneself. But is it too much time? How many days or weeks is it ok to go without hanging with friends? How many dinners can you decline? How many calls not take?

I guess every self-aware introvert asks herself these questions on a daily basis. One thing is for sure — spending time socializing is still seen as more important, more normal, than spending time alone. This needs to change.

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This is day 13 of 90 days that I will be sharing something I’ve learned here in this publication. Don’t miss it.