My First Day Break-up
He came over and his immediate statement were those dreadful four words, “We need to talk.” As soon as he said that I went into full-blown psycho-girlfriend mode. I begged, bargained, ugly cried; I think I even grabbed his leg to keep him from leaving. Everything the experts tell you not to do during a breakup kicked in as if by instinct.
I had felt something was off for several weeks but attributed the off-feeling to the ups and downs of relationships. It’s normal I told myself; things will get better soon I told myself; I’m making a big deal out of nothing, I told myself. But in reality, all of the signals for an impending breakup were there if I had paid attention. According to Laurel, Maryland relationship expert and licensed therapist, Dr. Kia James, there are signs of an impending breakup in every relationship- feeling distant, spending less time together, more critical, less intimacy, are just some of the signs according to Dr. James. I had noticed every sign in our relationship. Ok, fine, I had ignored the signals, but the more important issue to me and to all of my fellow dumpees is “what now?” How can we survive the first 24 hours post-break-up?
After I collected my body from the floor, I determined that I needed to have some kind of plan to not only regain my dignity, but also to keep from texting my ex every 10 minutes. I needed to survive these next 24 hours of hell. Fayetteville, Georgia clinical therapist, Amy Jaynes, recommends doing nothing for the first 24 hours after a breakup. “The first twenty-four hours of a break-up are full of raw emotions, and emotions can impede rational thought. So, in the initial stages of a break-up it’s important not to make any critical decisions or to do things that you will probably later regret,” according to Jaynes. “No extreme haircuts, no one-night stands, no quitting your job and moving to Bali.” Here’s what I did, and by no means will this work for everyone.
Music: Lizzo has some fire self-love, women-empowerment, f#@k men, songs. “Siri play ‘Good as Hell’ at full volume.” Sing, cry, shout, jump, dance, and run around your place like a crazy woman. Be sure to avoid songs associated with your relationship. Do not, I repeat, do not, listen to “your” song. Create a playlist of cheesy breakup songs and tell yourself, that you will laugh at it six months from now when you’re dating again. According to Dr. Shahram Heshmat in an August 2019 Psychology Today article on music and emotions, “Positive emotions dominate musical experiences. Pleasurable music may lead to the release of neurotransmitters associated with reward, such as dopamine. Listening to music is an easy way to alter mood or relieve stress.” But he cautions that music has a powerful association with memory and can trigger associations and connections. So again, avoid playing songs associated with your ex.
Friends: We’ve all heard that misery loves company, so I texted my girlfriends to tell them what happened. Not even an hour went by before they were all at my door holding the essentials, ice cream, chocolate, and a big bottle of wine. They gave me a group hug and they all had a break-up philosophy. My feisty friend, Alessia Siano believed that a post breakup you should go into full attack mode, she immediately said, “Girl he was ugly and didn’t deserve you. You look better than him anyway.” She also went through a list of his less than flattering physical attributes, including his funny-shaped head, weird left eye-brow, and dinghy teeth. My more laid-back friend, Leah Banks, said that self-care is important after a breakup. She mentioned something about candles, a bath, and meditating to find out what the Universe was trying to tell me, but I stopped listening halfway through. Although she did not agree with all of the advice my girlfriends had, Dr. James advised that support from friends is critical during a breakup. “Friends offer much needed support and comfort during a breakup. Often times they were there throughout your relationship and can offer an objective perspective about what happened. And more importantly, they can be there to simply listen and give hugs.” According to Dr. James, although a break-up is very personal, you shouldn’t go through it alone. “The hurt won’t go away overnight, but a strong support system of family and friends can help you tolerate the pain.”
Distraction: “It’s Tinder time.” Okay, so this isn’t the best form of distraction, and my heart was wisely telling me not to pick up my phone and download Tinder. But my hands of course didn’t listen to my heart and my impulsivity caused me to get tipsy and swipe right on every blue eyed, brown-haired European guy that I could find on the app. Fortunately, my fingers got tired and my phone battery died. The more important point is that healthy distractions can help early in a break-up. Exercise, hobbies, volunteering, exploring new interest can all help you focus on something other than your failed relationship. But Dr. James advises against unhealthy distractions like binge eating or drinking, shopping sprees, or casual hook-ups. “Distractions are not meant to mask or ignore emotions, and although it is important to acknowledge even negative emotions, positive distractions can help someone who is heartbroken reconnect with other important aspects of themselves other than the relationship.” I also found that research was important. Perhaps it’s the writer in me, but I found the internet and social media comforting. I spent hours reading about other people’s breakups and articles about surviving breakups. Some of the information was helpful, some laughable, and some plain scary. (no, I’m not going to slash his tires or write “loser” in blood on his front door.)
Looking back on my breakup, the best advice I have to give anyone going through a traumatic breakup is that there’s no easy way to get through it, but you will get through it. You will survive. After months of self-healing and self-reflection, I have ended up here, 3 months later, single, happy and most importantly okay with the breakup.
