Mess in head

I want to figure things out. 
What happened to me? I wonder.
I think I’m not an optimistic person to begin with. It’s not a big problem to be a little self-doubt, but it doesn’t do me any good if I keep losing confidence.

When I see the problem happens, I really want to fix it, but before that, I need to fix my vulurable emotion first. He and I have gone through a lot of things, I am trying very hard to think about the bright side, I 'm thinking very hard to make changes in my mind and accept that he can’t be what I want him to be, and me the same. I don’t know if couples are just meant to be together and are suitable for one another at the very beginning. I surely don’t know. But deep down, I have told myself hundreds of time that I’m going to go to the destination with this guy. But when shit happens, you know, it’s hard not to give a shit.

Yes, I cried a lot. I care about him, I care about our relationship. Maybe I care too much about how I can change him somehow instead of changing my own mind. However, now I don’t want to cry. It’s not so sad we had an argument and we are disappointed at each other. This doesn’t matter. I guess I’m somehow used to this shit. I used to regard argument as something common and makes us reconsider about the relationship and make adjustments somewhere. But, unfortunately, this shit happens all the fucking time. And I begin to doubt, is there really a solution for this? Do we really need to change for the other? Is it necessary? What if there’s someone out there for us,what if he/she is not THE ONE. I don’t understand. I’m so frustrated. Sometimes, I think maybe I choose to be frustrated and find myself troubles.

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