Drawings, Photography, and Self Discovery
My project this year, expressed in its purest form, is drawings and film photography. But, these two art forms are part of something a lot bigger — my desire to maintain my artistic self during a grueling school year.
At the beginning of the year, I was ambitious and wanted to try a lot of new things. I wanted to make vlogs, shrinky dinks, and explore new art forms. I decided on the idea of making my own tea blends, preparing every single ingredient myself. I felt optimistic about my project in the beginning, but as my schedule quickly piled up with assignments, tests, and meetings, the amount of energy I could expend on other things such as my project decreased significantly.
I told myself I could take tiny steps towards my end goal — researching how to make tea blends, learning how to properly brew tea, etc. I was able to achieve these tasks, but the most important and time-consuming hurdle was curating and preparing the tea blend ingredients. I couldn’t find a chunk of time within my packed week to start gathering herbs and fruits, and as I kept on putting it off, I eventually accepted the fact that this project was outside of my abilities at the moment.
After this realization, I felt stagnant. Constantly overwhelmed by studying and working, I forgot what it felt like to create. But, during winter break, my daily lifestyle flipped upside down. Suddenly, I had no obligations. Stuck at home because of frigid temperatures and heavy snow, I had to figure out how to fill my time. The first couple of days, I used my phone nonstop and watched TikToks, but I quickly became sick of it. I wanted to find something fulfilling to do.
While sitting in the living room with my family, I spotted a large box of my mom’s Prismacolors under the coffee table. I then realized — why don’t I draw? Even though it seemed like the most typical hobby ever, I’ve always had a complicated relationship with drawing; I felt my skills were too limited to draw what I truly wanted to convey. But I felt so plagued by boredom that this concern of mine became nothing to me. I grabbed the colored pencils and some paper and started drawing whatever popped into my head.
My drawings consisted of surrealist drawings of animals. These drawings made no sense but made complete sense at the same time. As I continued to draw, I began to feel that I was genuinely enjoying myself. Sitting at the coffee table, I scribbled and scribbled.
During winter break, I also wanted to explore film photography more. Ever since high school, I’ve been feeding my love for the art form, first starting out with disposable cameras and then moving on to my mom’s Olympus Infinity Stylus from when she was in college. I wanted to continue to the next stage, which was my dad’s Nikon SLR camera. With my mom’s point-and-shoot, I usually bought whatever cheapest 35mm film was available on Amazon, but with my dad’s SLR, I wanted to go all out. I went to CameraMall, my favorite place to develop film in Ann Arbor, and bought a couple of rolls of Portra 400. Seeing these rolls in my hand, I felt a rush of excitement and wanted to use them right away.
My twin sister Bridgit and I dressed up, put some makeup on, and headed to the open field behind my house’s backyard. Although it was dreary outside, we didn’t care at all — we couldn’t contain our excitement from trying out a new type of film and camera. Within an hour, we used up all 36 exposures on the Portra 400 roll, and I hurried back home to put it in its container. Later in the day, I drove to CameraMall to get the film developed.
A few days later, an email with the developed images popped into my inbox. As soon as I saw the notification on my phone’s lock screen, I leapt to my feet and ran to my laptop to download the images. When I opened the photos, my breath was taken away. The photos were so precise, and yet they still carried the slight grain reminiscent of a different time. I couldn’t contain my joy and shared the photos with my family and friends.
Once I returned to school, I had a clearer idea of what I could enjoy in my free time. I messaged my friend, asking if she wanted to have a photoshoot with my SLR camera. She had always been interested in my photography ventures, so she delightfully accepted. The following weekend, we strolled around downtown Ann Arbor, taking photos at picturesque settings like Dawn Treader and Wazoo Records. It was really fun taking photos with her, and I was able to show her around my favorite spots in Ann Arbor too.
Although I’ve developed only two rolls of film with my Nikon SLR, it’s become my favorite camera to date. I’ve also discovered a new hobby — taking portraits of my friends and family. When I see the happiness in their expressions upon seeing the photos, I feel fulfilled.
Of course, I didn’t forget my rediscovered love for drawing. Drawing became a way for me to release my emotions and explore what I truly wanted to convey. Looking back on the numerous drawings I’ve made throughout this semester, I realized that I really like drawing stupid things. At the University of Michigan, everyone is incredibly intelligent and well-spoken. I’m grateful to be in such a space, but sometimes, I just want to turn my brain off for a bit and have fun, you know? So, I drew numerous goofy-looking animals and incredibly tacky parodies.
These artworks may look like I put zero effort into them—and honestly, for some of them I probably did—but I think they convey what kind of person I am much better than any textbook drawing I’ve made in high school.
Although these comical drawings make up a large majority of what I’ve drawn this semester, I still kept true to my feelings that I don’t often express on the surface. One drawing was based on a manga series that I hold close to my heart — My Broken Mariko. The series focuses on the main character Tomoyo Shiino’s journey as she struggles to come to terms with her best friend’s suicide. The feelings that Tomoyo’s friend Mariko experienced — desperation, hopelessness, and self-hatred — as a result of her tumultuous childhood resonated with me on a personal level. The English subbed version of the live-action movie came out during the semester, and I watched it with a friend in an empty and dark Mason Hall classroom. After watching the movie, I read through the manga again, absorbing every detail in each panel. Later, I saw a visual by the mangaka that I felt really conveyed the complex emotions of Tomoyo and Mariko, and decided to redraw it.
Looking back at this year, I still feel remorse for abandoning my original project idea. But, although my current “project” isn’t that cohesive and tangible, I honestly feel a lot more satisfied and accomplished than I did last year. I was able to explore my creative expression more than ever before, and find enjoyment in making art despite not being perfect.
