Try ANYTHING!
When he first moved in, I thought Enormo Manhands was just dumb jock. Not that I have a problem with that. I enjoy watching impressively muscular males doing big things. But frankly, Enormo spends a lot of his time just sitting and staring blankly, much as I do while watching him. In my defense, though, I have an excuse — I’m writing two books, dammit! Enormo often seems to be doing something way less productive, like smoking a whole lot of weed. Or maybe eating a whole lot of weed. Because I’m not sure squirrels can smoke. Unless they’re on fire. Which Enormo Manhands, so far as I can tell, is not.
For a while I thought this massive squirrel had a traumatic brain injury from attacking my birdfeeders. The feeders are awkwardly placed, and I’ve seen Enormo fall squarely on his head over and over, trying and failing to nab a single sunflower seed. But now I’m beginning to suspect that his brain actually works quite well. That while his beady eyes drift to the middle distance, he’s actually thinking. Deeply.
A few minutes ago, I glanced outside to see Enormo doing what looked like very slow-motion gymnastics. He lowered himself into a full Chinese split, but extremely slowly, like a Sumo wrestler whose inner-thigh muscles were gradually, completely giving out. Six or seven edge-of-my-seat minutes later, Enormo lay absolutely prone, spread-eagled on the dirt.
I knew you’d want to see this, so I grabbed my phone and took a photo. It came out all blurry and dark (it’s not like I’m going to get up and move around — what am I, a war photographer?) so I also created a schematic drawing. One must be clear about these things.
After he achieved full flatness, Enormo held very still — so still he seemed to be praying or meditating. I Googled “squirrel lying flat on the ground,” to see what spiritual truths others have derived from this sort of behavior. Several online writers told me squirrels lie down flat to keep cool. Clearly, this is a projection. Have these supposed “authorities” lain in bed for hours and hours, watching a single squirrel? I think not. I can see Enormo Manhands out there right now, and I’m telling you, he’s thinking. Maybe PLOTTING. Or Calculating Odds. Or Creating Strategies. Just look at him.
I know what you’re thinking: Enormo is planning kill me in my sleep and take over my house. Sure, I went there too — anyone would. But I’m a trained researcher, so I’m not going to be content with this obvious answer. There are all kinds of other things Enormo could be doing.
For example, he could be overwhelmed. Acorn season is just beginning, and Enormo has a lot of work ahead of him. He could be hugging Mother Earth. Or recalling, with terrible shame, a long-ago failed relationship. He could be attempting suicide by hawk, or trying to look thinner, or practicing to be an area rug. I mean, haven’t we all?
I’m going to watch and see which of these hypotheses is most accurate — but wait! Now Enormo is slowly rising, like the sun. Now he’s climbing the tree with the birdfeeder! And now — this must be what he was planning! — he’s come up with a way to get sunflower seeds! Holy crap! Again, I just took a photo — a video — and again, it’s blurry. But a blurry image of genius is better than no image at all. Behold!
This, people, this is why Enormo is so glossy and muscular, why he thrives in a world so cruel it often crushes me. That immense squirrel will try anything, anything, to solve a problem. He’ll assume humiliating positions in public, fall repeatedly on his head, make himself vulnerable, risk everything.
I am inspired. Deeply inspired. Inspired to a Lifelong Commitment.
From this day forward I, too, will think and experiment and puzzle until I figure out any problem that’s bothering me. I won’t care if I look weird, fall down, fail repeatedly. I’ll keep trying new methods, exposing myself to predators, doing the splits, and dangling by my toenails. WHATEVER. Sure, people will think I’m peculiar. Right now I DON’T EVEN CARE! With Enormo as my spiritual teacher, I have faith that one day soon, I’ll find myself hanging around in the shade, flush with creativity, munching the sweet, oily sunflower seeds of success.
