A couple times recently, I’ve noticed myself unintentionally saying dumb stuff about feminism in public. The reason I’ve noticed is because I have good friends that call me out on my shit. The good thing about being called out is that it often leads to a reduction in the number of dumb ideas that live in my head.

Unfortunately, while the offence occurs in public, that lovely personal growth stuff usually happens in private. In other words, experiences like these have a negative impact on multiple people, and a positive impact on just myself. Arithmetically speaking, this makes me the kind of ally that might not be worth having.

The thing is, I want to be the kind of ally worth having, but that aspiration is complicated by my membership in a group of people that have perpetrated and benefited from the systematic abuse of another group for millennia.

A lesson I need to learn a hundred times is that my aspiration doesn’t count for shit, it’s my impact that matters.

I’ve made my aspiration clear, now I’m going to change my behaviour until I see the impact that I want.

When I as an individual get judged by the aggregate qualities of the group that I happen to look like, it feels bad. If I experience that bad feeling I’m going to use it as an opportunity to empathise with other people who have that experience much more frequently than me, rather than an opportunity to be defensive of my own obscured brilliance.

I’m going to come to public conversations about feminism as a guest comes to a dinner party: with gifts and good humour yes, but ultimately taking direction from the hosts.

And wine!