4 Free Mother’s Day Gifts Because You’re Poor

Chances are that if you’re reading this, your mom is doing much, much better than you: She owns a house, has a full-time contract job with benefits and is set to retire in the next ten years, while you’ve spent your adulthood enjoying all the financial stability of a thriving gig economy and will eventually die of Lyme disease at 44 because you can’t afford to have a doctor look at that bull’s-eye rash. Still, it’s Mother’s Day, and since whatever you get her will be worse than what she already has, go for broke with these four Mother’s Day freebies.

A Bunch of Highway Flowers

Flowers are expensive and your mom already has a flowerbed in the backyard full of the stuff she actually likes. Those wildflowers you snatched while illegally stopped in the emergency lane are the perfect way to to say you love her enough to risk a ticket for vehicular negligence.

A Homemade Treat

Moms love anything homemade, and their kitchens tend to have way better equipment than the studio rental hotplate where you’ve warmed your ramen for the past 8 years. Just be sure that if you’re planning something fancy, she agrees to throw in. Maraschino cherries don’t grow on trees.

A Walk

There is no gift like the gift of nature, mostly because nature isn’t a gift. Since you haven’t been able to afford to replace your alternator since the Obama administration, ask Mom to give you both a lift to the nearest park, where she can enjoy the fresh air and you can obsessively check yourself for ticks.

A Cleaning Day

While it’s true that your mom occasionally hires a cleaning lady to do a really thorough scrub-down once every couple of months, it’s probably a bummer to have to pay for it, you know? Roll those sleeves up, Junior, and tell Mom to take one of those paid vacation days to stay home and watch you fulfill your destiny of cleaning up the messes of baby boomers for no money. She’ll be so, so proud.

Think Free this Mother’s Day

Your capacity to show you care knows no limits, except for the limit of how much money you have, which is none. Our four fantastic Mother’s Day gifts are a free way to capitalize on the fact that, much like JLo, your mother’s love don’t cost a thing.

What?

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