5 Windsor Ghosts to Invite to Your Horny Royal Wedding Afterparty
Celebs from Kesha to Lucy Liu have claimed to have had sex with ghosts, so now’s your opportunity to use that royal wedding invitation to conjure up some post-nuptial paranormal activity of your own. “Until death do us part” means that St. George’s Chapel is absolutely swarmed with single spirits looking to party, so feel free to get in touch with your spirituality by exercising the demon of one of Windsor Castle’s top five posthumous hotties.
Edward VII
Dirty Bertie might not have the constitution to be Mr. Right, but he’s more than equipped to be Mr. Right Now. It’s suspected that Prince Albert died from worrying about Ed’s scandalous lifestyle, so uh, be sure to chug some water before y’all do the horizontal dance macabre because this ghost fucks. Bertie once complained to a mistress that he had spent enough on her to “buy a battleship,” to which she said, “You’ve spent enough in me to float one.” He also had a fuck chair.
Princess Charlotte of Wales (1796–1817)
Princess Charlotte is a royal rebel with a taste for trouble, especially when it comes to a man in uniform. No stranger to sneaking out at night or blowing kisses to the Whigs to spite her father, this adventurous beauty had a strict and sheltered upbringing and makes up for it by falling hard for most of the men she meets — imagine how keen she’ll be to rattle your chains once you tell her what an iPhone is.
Henry VIII (1491–1547)
Henry VIII is a man who knows how to keep the party going, which is why divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived makes such a sick beat when you loop it into a synthesizer. Windsor’s resident wild card is a fan of both jiggery and pokery, codpieces, and telling the pope where to stick it, but he also called Ann Boleyn’s nipples “pretty duckies” so that’s something to consider before you let him haunt you in the biblical sense.
Elizabeth Woodville
More like Elizabeth Wood-We-Ever-Ville. Popularly considered to be the most beautiful woman in Britain, she was described as having “heavy-lidded eyes like those of a dragon,” which is a pretty dope compliment even by today’s standards. Liz is a political history junky whose hustle is hard enough to have helped her both start and stop the Wars of the Roses, so you’ll need to bring your A-game if you want to go beyond her veil.
Prince Albert Victor, Duke of Clarence and Avondale
A sensitive, romantic soul with a mustache that gives you something to hold onto, Prince Albert Victor is also in the market for some no-strings phantasmagasmic rebound distraction. Al enjoys writing letters and probably definitely isn’t Jack the Ripper, but before you go to the bone zone you should know that this brokenhearted fuckboy never got over his Catholic girlfriend; unless you have special dispensation from the pope, you’ll never measure up to The One.
Get Haunted
St. George’s Chapel is the final resting place of some of history’s hottest singles, but just because they’re dead doesn’t mean they’re sleeping. Get into the royal wedding spirit by letting the royal wedding spirits get into you for a spiritually fulfilling hookup of transcendental proportions.
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