Spring-Specific Shoe Hazards and How to Avoid Them
As Game of Thrones’ Melisandre never said, the spring is dark and full of terrors that are coming for your footwear. Here are five common hazards that you and your vulnerable shoes will encounter this spring, and what you can do to avoid them.
Cobblestone
Spring weddings mean idyllic outdoor locales, delicious fruit-flavored booze and unevenly paved paths, the final boss level of which is cobblestone. As pointless as it is terrible, cobblestone is the ankle’s natural predator; it spends its days waiting to feast upon the feetbones of bridesmaids who don’t usually wear heels but it’s a special occasion, you know?
Avoid this hazard by opting for pointy flats and staying away from Europe.
Puddles
April showers, and showers and showers. It’s science. There’s rain everywhere, and that’s just the way it is. Springtime raindrops and the puddles that come with them have been a problem since the dawn of time, when early cavemen tried to stay dry by wrapping their feet in layers of newspaper until they accidentally invented paper mâché.
Avoid this hazard by wearing rubber boots on rainy days instead of your nicest, newest white sneakers, you actual monster.
Ball Pits
I genuinely can’t tell if I want to wear this look, but apparently one of the hazards of pairing track pants and fishnets with clear platform boots is someone thinks you’re a clown and throws you in a ball pit. Again, to be completely clear, I’m not sure if I’m complaining.
Avoid this hazard by steering clear of children’s parties.
The Sky
Look, we’ve been there. Sometimes you’re walking along and all of a sudden you come to the edge of the universe, with nothing underneath your feet but the winds of change and a bunch of eagles flying around. But listen up, friend. Shoes aren’t designed to walk through the air. Get with the program.
Avoid this hazard by keeping your shoelaces tied, avoiding multi-story buildings and maybe looking into that magnet boot technology from the prison in Face/Off.
A Sand Dune
On days when all you want to do is show off your kickiest spring ankle boots, a sprawling wasteland of sand mountains can be a real buzzkill. What are you doing in this desert? You’re gonna get so much sand in those leather boots. Where are your socks? You don’t even look like you’re wearing sunscreen. You’re totally right to be screaming; this whole day has been a nightmare.
Avoid this hazard by saying no to experimentally minded fashion photographers on Craigslist.
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