Way of the Codejack: Steely eyes, balls of stone
The idea of being out of your depth as a rule rather than an exception is (maybe unfortunately) something that a software engineer needs to make peace with. This is certain true for junior engineers, which I currently am(ish). This doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy your job (or your training, whichever stage you’re at); you’re just going to need to be able to separate who you are from what you feel.
Many years ago I was a cadet in my school’s unit, and it was something I absolutely loved. I wasn’t the high-speed slender Warlock I am now though, which made things like running anywhere and climbing over high walls something of a challenge. I managed to loved it despite the entirely frequent doses of nausea, fatigue and jiggling fat.
But the bit that really made it come alive was for me when I was promoted to platoon sergeant and placed in charge of my own cadets. Bear in mind that I was 17 and at school, and in the regular forces you’d need to have served for nearly a decade before they’d even consider you for that rank. I wasn’t a soldier, I wasn’t a sergeant, and I wasn’t really qualified for the role. In spite of all that, though, something funny happened when I finally got to wear the three stripes on my arm.
I started acting like a sergeant (as I understood it, at least). I might have been young, but my cadets were younger, and the stuff that they were being taught was stuff I already knew. From their point of view, I was someone that knew the answers, which meant they had certain expectations of me. Being a steely-eyed NCO was one, and so even though that persona wasn’t me in real life, it was one that I assumed whenever I was dressed like a mobile bush.
I rose to it. We tend to rise to the things we’d like to be, but only if other people expect it of us. It’s dangerously easy to be easy on yourself and set your expectations low, which leads to a life of missing your potential. Potential is a terrible thing to waste.
Truly terrible.
If you’re thinking about attending Makers, or if you’re already here, know this: they’ve designed the curriculum to provide… resistance. That’s polite way of saying, “Stuff’s bastard hard and there’s not enough bastard time to bastard do the bastard stuff, bastards”, which could very easily make you think that you’re not really cut out for it. There’s a really rather simple solution to this.
Be a sergeant. Not an actual one, because you’re not. But what if you were allowed to pretend that, when you were in a certain place doing certain things, surrounded by certain people, you could be. Substitute “sergeant” for “software engineer”, and you’re on to something.
What if being a “software engineer” was like a costume you could put on. What if it was a set of behaviours that maybe the real you doesn’t have/follow, but when you’re dressed up like one you do. Maybe it’s possible to wear the person you want to be like a uniform that signals to those around you that they can expect certain behaviours from you today.
Instead of coming to Makers and telling yourself you’re winging it, play dress up. What specifically are the things a software engineer (hereafter, referred to by the term I use in my head, ‘code jack’) is supposed to be able to do? Here’s my personal list:
1.) Bounce
Things are hard, and most of the time there isn’t a walk through. You will smack into the walls you have around your lack of understanding over and over again, as you are constantly reminded that you really don’t know anything. You have two two choices here: break or bounce. ‘Break’ might not be conducive to the career change you’re looking to make, so choose to bounce. If you’re faced with something you don’t know how to do that makes you feel stupid (again, for the eighth time this morning), choose to bounce.
Code jacks bounce.
2.) Work it out
In a previous post, I gave the example of permitting myself to try to use a coffee percolator. The old me would have walked away, or made Czech coffee. But as a code jack, that really isn’t an option. The expectations on you are that you’ll work it out, whatever ‘it’ happens to be. Eventually it’s what you’ll be paid for, so start doing it now.
Code jacks work things out.
3.) Be steely-eyed
Inside my head, there’s mainly screaming. Outside though, I try to maintain the manner of someone firm under pressure. I’ve even put that in my CV, and it’s not blag. It’s true. Understand that people who are calm under pressure usually have learnt that the feeling of panic they might be experiencing is a reflex you don’t have to act on. Courage, composure, those are choices. Where I can, I choose to keep it inside. This has the curious effect of starting a feedback loop where your body pays attention to your actions, and decides that if you’re not freaking out having a panic attack into a brown paper bag, you must be calm. So you calm down.
Permit yourself to be steely-eyed. Pretend that you are. Pretend that, just for now, you’re allowed to be.
Code jacks are steel-eyed.
4.) Have stone testicles
Something I’ve told myself really quite a lot is that I’m clever.
Because I am.
The trouble with that is that I still struggle with things, and when that happens, I question every time whether the stories I’m telling myself about my intelligence are true and warranted. Should I really be telling myself this if I can’t scythe through absolutely everything that’s put in front of me? Taking that a level up, the question becomes, “Can my sense of self take repeated shots in the testicles when the perceptions of my intelligence are constantly, openly eviscerated?”. This one goes hand in hand with Code Jack quality 1 above, but they aren’t the same. You might be able to bounce, but what if every time you did you wound your opinion of yourself down a click? Smack into enough walls, and pretty soon you’ll give up on yourself.
So don’t. Separate You from the Problems You’re Facing. You aren’t stupid. You just need more time. Having stone testicles means you stand up the same person that fell down, each and every time.
Code jacks have stone testicles.
These are mine, anyway. They don’t have to be yours, but know that some of the qualities above are somewhat universal. Together they blend into a persona that I wear, but don’t think for a second none of it’s real.
It is real. It’s just the person I’d rather be.
