Unlucky In Love
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The dating rule book
Nowadays many women in their early 20s are primarily focused on studying at University or succeeding in their career. When I was 20 years old I was lucky enough and smart enough to be focusing on both. I had a full time job and studied English at University in the evenings. However, no matter how fulfilling this was and how busy my weeks were, I was adamant to also make time for a love life. I had always etched my life with being married to a lovely man and having children and I knew that I was going to make this vision a reality one day.
As an adolescent, I would class myself as a late bloomer, I didn’t go out with anyone in my teens. I lacked a lot of confidence. Boys at school didn’t speak to me and that didn’t bother me but as I got older I decided to start dating and because I wasn’t meeting anyone on nights out I started online dating and talking to men on social media.
I had two close friends who were popular with the lads and seemed to always have men kissing the ground they walked on. I don’t know what magic they cast on the men and when I asked them how they were so successful in dating men who were out of this world and madly in love with them, they told me that it was all down to their “Dating Rule Book” and if I followed this rule book, I would also have men at my feet.
The Rules
Rule no 1- Never pick up a man’s phone call first time around – it will look like you are desperate and waiting for him to call. You need to seem like you are busy so call him back hours later.
Rule no 2- Never pay on the first day, it’s him taking YOU out and he should be a gentleman and pay for your time.
Rule no 3- After your date don’t text him first and don’t respond straight away either. This should keep him on his toes for a while.
The rules went on and on and had a similar theme of acting uninterested (even if you are) and being a little mean to keep a man keen (which was not me at all) but in my young and naive mind they were the experts and If I wanted to be as successful as them in dating I had to follow this rule book.
My First Date
I had my first date with a man I had met on Instagram. We went for dinner and all in all the date went really well. At the end of our meal, the waiter presented us with our bill. It was just so innate for me to reach out for my purse, but then I could hear the voice of my friend in the back of my head “Never pay on the first date. Don’t even offer. He’s taking YOU out” I knew my friends would ask me to brief them about the date, so I just put my purse away and sort of looked at him as if I was entitled for a free meal. Luckily, he had enough money and offered to take care of the bill on his own. As unbothered as I made myself seem out to be, I felt awful about letting him pay for the whole dinner. He also dropped me off to my front door like a gentleman and made sure I got in safe. I really liked him and couldn’t stop thinking about him and those feelings were magnified when he text me ‘good morning beautiful’ the next day. I remembered rule no 3- Don’t respond to texts straight away. I wanted to reply to him so badly but the girls would tell me off for acting desperate and needy and if I wanted to keep him keen, I had to treat him mean. So that day as hard as it was, I just acted busy. I barely replied to his messages. What kept me going was the excitement to go back to the girls and tell them how well I was doing following the rule book and that made them so proud of me which is what I really wanted. They told me to be strong and keep acting the same way.
Not surprisingly enough, after a lack of response on my behalf, the man lost interest. Despite liking him so much I could see it fizzling out but I had too much pride to call him so we just both went our separate ways.
A month later there was a second guy I went on a date with and it was similar story we went to the Cinema. I didn’t pay or even offer. After the date I didn’t pick up his calls and acted like I was too busy for him. I then rushed back to tell the girls. I didn’t realise at the time but I was yearning and craving for their approval and wanted to act prestige. I didn’t want to be the needy girl of the group that dies for a man’s attention.
This went on for months and months and within a period of three years I had met 13 amazing guys but none of them, not even one offered to take me on a second date.
This is when reality hit me and I had realised I had wasted 3 years trying to impress people when I should have been thinking about myself and my future.
I decided to get rid of this imaginary rule book which bought me no success and create my own rule book with 1 rule only– There are no rules!
No Rules
So for the 14th man I dated, I called him when I wanted to call him even if that meant me calling him ten times a day. I would text him first and I even payed for some of our dates. I did what I wanted to do and what felt right to me. I was kind to him and it didn’t make me feel needy or insecure. Sure enough, he called me for a second date and then a third and then fourth.
5 years later we are married with a beautiful newborn son and I can honestly say the best choice I made was to stop listening to others around me even if they had more experience and do what I want to do and what feels right.
Yes, I regret wasting those three years, but I believe everything happens for a reason and if I hadn’t done that I wouldn’t be with the amazing man I am with today. I would advise anyone who is on a journey to find love to do what they want to do without worrying about their image or what others think and more than anything to just be kind to others. Being mean isn’t the way to keep someone keen. In this cruel world we live in we don’t know what anyone is going through so the best thing to do is be honest, thoughtful and not play silly childish games. Someone is giving you their time,the least we could do for them, if not anything, is give them our truth.
