The Evangelist
A darkly humorous short story about a climate crusader who forgets to walk the talk …
Welcome to the Climate Change and Ecological Sustainability Department! Nice to meet you. Please, take a seat … oh — don’t mind the plastic bags. Just toss them onto the floor. Aren’t disposable nappies just the best? Imagine having have to scrape and clean and wash and reuse the cloth ones … we’re really living the dream these days, aren’t we?
What, no little ones of your own? That’s a shame. Who’s going to carry on the family name and look after you when you’re old? Well, that’s one way of looking at it, I guess … if you believe all that guff about overpopulation and exhausting the Earth’s resources. I’m raising my five darlings to be eco-warriors, so I figure I’m actually helping the planet. My oldest, Honeyblossom Petal, recently joined an online forum to save the endangered Blue-footed New Zealand Burping Cockroach … nearly 2000 likes on Instagram and her Cockroach Twerking video has gone viral on TikTok! Isn’t she just dope?
No, I’m not really worried about all the time my kids spend on social media. I can’t monitor them every minute of every day, can I? And, let’s face it, at least they’re getting the Climate Message out there. I was driving the kids round the corner to school the other day and guess what one of them told me he heard on a YouTube video? If you feed cows garlic tablets, it’s possible to cut methane emissions by 20%, which results in a mind-boggling 0.003% slowdown in global warming over the next decade! How amazing is that?
Why don’t my kids walk to school? No way! It’s too risky, what with all the stories of child abductions you see every day on the news. And riding bikes is way too dangerous. Have you seen all those SUVs on the road? I drive one myself, so I should know! Oh, you ride a bike? Well, I suppose you can when you haven’t got kids. Kids need chauffeuring to everything these days … to school, to sports practices, to music lessons, to dance recitals, debating, theatre rehearsals, play dates …
Leaving work early to pick them up? Not a problem. We’re a family-friendly workplace here. And, before she resigned, my last assistant always caught the bus so she stayed behind until 6:30 and took all my messages. Now, where was I? Oh yes … I like to think I’m a pretty good influence on my kids when it comes to looking after the environment. In fact, I’d even go as far to say that I’m an Evangelist.
What? Don’t tell me you’re a denier! Seriously? I don’t think I’ve ever met one in the flesh. Ah … only a sceptic. Well, it’s a slippery slope. Now that you’re a member of the team, I’ll make it my mission to convert you. Okay … about that quiz—everyone’s taking it. Just log in and answer questions about your carbon footprint, easy peasy!
Well, that’s what everybody says. But I think you’ll be surprised just how heavy your ecological footprint actually is. I’m presenting a paper on this very topic at the International Sustainability Conference in the Caribbean later this month. There’s another one in California a week later, so we’ll just hang out at the resort until it’s time to go. After the California conference, we plan to rent a few cars and visit Vegas. Might as well spread the word far and wide, don’t you think?
My wife? No. She wants to stay home and look after all the kids. I’m going with fifteen of my University colleagues. We don’t mind sacrificing our time for a good cause. After all, we’re saving the world for our children!
Oh, you need to leave? To go shopping? Nice bag. Sea-grass? I hope it’s sustainable. Did you know that one in five of the world’s sea-grasses are under threat of extinction? Oh, it’s biodegradable hessian. That’s okay then. I’ve got six of those sitting at home but always forget to bring them, so I end up buying a plastic bag instead. Still, I re-use them to wrap up the disposable nappies, so they don’t go to waste. Are you going to the supermarket?
The farmers’ market? Nice for some. A bit pricey, isn’t it? I couldn’t afford to feed five kids if I shopped there. Sometimes it’s just easier to pile them all in a car and take them to McDonalds. Did you know that McDonalds’ food containers are made from recycled materials?
Likewise! It’s been great meeting you too. Oh, before you go, would you mind making some copies of my conference paper? I’ll need about three hundred … recycled paper, of course! Hey, what are you doing with that chair —
Two days later …
THE DAILY NEWS
The police department is asking for help to locate a missing man.
Mr Matthew Pleasant was last seen at about 4:00pm on Monday at the University. It is believed he was heading for home.
Mr Pleasant lives in Natureville and is married with five children.
Six days later…
THE DAILY NEWS
Police believe they have identified the man whose dismembered remains were found in an organic waste disposal bin at the University earlier this week.
Detective Superintendent Gumb confirmed that Mr Matthew Pleasant was cut into five pieces and placed in compostable bags. Mr Pleasant’s tongue is yet to be located.
“We are hopeful we might be able to locate the killer via the means of disposal of the body,” Gumb said. “The killer was meticulous and placed Mr Pleasant’s body parts in special eco-friendly rubbish bags designed to bio-assimilate in the open environment similar to the decomposition of a leaf. The technology used is new and relatively rare.”
Anyone with information about this crime is asked to contact the police …
