A Modest Proposal for Radical Firearmists
“We have hit a tipping point,” the candidate intones, “where we can no longer abide these extremists within our borders and therefore must take drastic measures. Each day our children are gunned down in our city streets. Every month social media channels fill with outcry after another radical firearmist murders innocent people in one of our schools, one of our malls, one of our nightclubs, one of our churches. This is not a race issue. This is not a gender issue. This is an American issue.”
The crowd applauds as the candidate beams.
“Firearmists say, ‘But we are the responsible firearmists. The majority of firearmists are peaceful. You can’t take away our rights because of a few lone firearmists. Those people don’t represent us.’ ”
The candidate allows a dramatic pause.
“People, this is a religion of violence. Read their texts. Read their websites. They are unwavering in their beliefs. Attend one of their events. Listen, really listen, to the way they talk about firearmy. What else is a gun for besides killing? Shooting range targets are made to look like our fellow human beings.”
A cry of “Damn psychos!” erupts from the back-right of the auditorium. Murmurs of agreement.
“Friends, they know who the bad apples are. They’re part of the same community. They don’t tell law enforcement. They keep their secrets to protect their own. Until we figure out what’s going on, people, we need to start over.”
The candidate lets the clapping and cheering and whistling finish before speaking again.
“If elected president, my first action in office will be to deport all firearmists, no matter if they have a record or not, [voice rising over the applause] whether they have ties to firearmy extremist groups, whether they’ve even pulled a trigger, we cannot afford to take the chance of having these people in our country. We cannot have these people within our borders. The threat of radical firearmists in the United States is our clearest and most present danger. My job as president will be to protect the American people, and that’s what I’ll do.”
The crowd goes mad.
[Caleb Garling is a writer in San Francisco and the author of The St George’s Angling Club, a novel about the outdoors.]
